Oooh Funny Man

Last night I was out making wisecracks in some nightclub. This time I played The Stand in Glasgow. It went quite well. I got a good response and felt quite confident on stage. Some of my jokes are still slow burners though. The pound shops one-liner seems to take a moment or two to compute especially. The compere was Tony Carter who managed to forget my name. he could only remember that my surname had something to do with shoes. “Tom Shoes!” He did apologise quite profusely afterwards though. I wasn’t really all that bothered and other than that he was quite a good compere. He did though introduce himself at the start of the second part of the show as The Dead John Peel. Seems that was the only impression he can do. The same dilemma happened to me when Mother Theresa died.

Although it did go okay, I really do think I prefer The Stand in Edinburgh. I’ve played them both twice each now and the Edinburgh one just has a better atmosphere to it.

As for the other acts, well as per usual it was patchy. When you come up with a joke about leukemia what goes through your head? Do you think it’s funny? Think it’s an original thought? Are you aware that it’s not funny and firmly belongs in the 1970s? Two things to remember whenever you’re doing a piece of material that may be offensive. 1.) Have a fucking point. 2.) Don’t pick on people weaker than you.

The girl on after me, Susan someone or other was quite funny right enough. I guess I could describe her as a kind of female Peter Kay.

The star of the show though was an act called ‘Gayle.’ Only a few people will know what I’m on about here but I haven’t laughed as hard or as self consciously since the shaved teddy, which the spectacle brought to mind. ‘Gayle’ was a 4’5” middle aged man dressed as an 18 year old girl in fake breasts, T-shirt, tartan mini and boots complete with an ill fitting wig. It was the first time I had laughed at someone in a comedy club and felt quite bad about it. It’s pretty hard to describe ‘Gayle’s act, it revolved around sex, especially sex with ‘Leonardo.’ ‘Gayle’ was waiting for me backstage when I came off, which freaked me out a wee bit, as her act had finished about 20 minutes before. It’s kinda hard to take compliments off someone who you think might actually be mental. He was just wandering around in costume for the rest of the evening, chatting to folk and scaring them off.

My sole supporter last night was Pretty Boy Paul. I was just glad that someone was there to witness ‘Gayle’ with me. Jo couldn’t make it as she was on the guestlist to see Sting in Milan. “So I guess you’re not coming to see me at The Stand?” I can see where her loyalties lie.

Onto sadder news now as I regret to report of the untimely demise of Graham Hosie. I have no idea how Mr Hosie met his end, as I can only presume he has passed due to this e-mail he sent me a few weeks ago.

“No I will be a definite for the 30th of Nov at the Stand, that is a promise I intend to keep unless I'm dead. G”

I will be sending The Widow Hosie a bouquet of flowers post haste and asking her out after an acceptable period of mourning. However perhaps he was just in the huff after me picking him up on his Ted Demme/Jonathan Demme fuax pas the other day there over on TING. “No, Tom they’re like a cinematic Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased).”

If I was doing a gig in the bar of the UGC you’d make it Ho, eh? That is if you could fit it in between a double bill of Telles sont mes Pousses with Gerard Depardieu and Emmanuelle Beart and Registration Suspended starring Richard Greccio, Susan Dey and Cheech Marin. It’s no problem for Grant to fit me in to his busy schedule! 4th December Hosie! 4th December!