The Indie 500

Here's a link courtesy of Ronnie. It's nonsense but it's had us whingeing away. There are very few bands on it before 1991 and to put every single by Snow Patrol, Blur, The Killers, Razorlight etc is just silly. Someone ran out of ideas somewhere along the line.

You Take Her Over Any Sweet Jumps?

About two years ago the film that everywhere you went people asked you if you had saw was Donnie Darko. In the next few weeks I reckon people are going to be saying the same thing about Napoleon Dynamite. From seeing the trailer, just the two words 'sweet jumps' is enough to crease me up.

I Heart Huckabees

I did a lengthy post about my action packed weekend yesterday, but alas it didn't publish. Probably for the best. So I'll just say quickly, I highly recommend I ♥ Huckabees (4/5). I struggled to describe it to folk before I saw it and I still struggle now. It's certainly not to everyone's taste, but it had the right mix of quirky and funny for me. There's some great performances from Jason Schwartzman, Mark Whalberg, Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin. There's also a wonderful soundtrack from Jon Brion.

"Punk's Morecambe and Wise"

Today's Guardian has a good interview with Shane MacGowan and The Pogues. Which reminds me, I agreed to go and see them next month, but I probably won't.

"The Drum Tech Lost Them on the Tube."

There's a really good interview in The Guardian with The Beta Band.

He's a tit, he really, really is...

Loathe as I am to comment on this, I am finally fed up with this old firm shite that’s been flying around.
The SFA announced today that Bob Malcolm will be hauled in for making a gesture after we won a penalty last Saturday, on top of indulging Martin O’Neil’s pathetic and hypocritical claims of “racist and sectarian abuse” being directed at Neil Lennon.
No action is to be taken against Lennon of course, for spitting on a Rangers scarf and gesturing to the home supporters, or O’Neil for calling everyone who follows Rangers racist bigots. Or whoever it was who assaulted Peter Lovenkrands in the tunnel at half time.
O’Neil also remarked that Peter Lovenkrands should have a look at himself for diving to get Alan Thompson sent off, an interesting comment when you consider that’s not the line he took when his best bud Neil Lennon did the exact same thing to get Juanjo sent off earlier in the season.
Perplexed as I am that the authorities seem to want to indulge this hypocritical and childish conduct, it does please me in one way.
O’Neil commented after last nights draw with Barcelona that he “takes flack every day”. This is plainly not the case. O’Neil has been uniformly praised for his achievements with Celtic, for the most part quite rightly.
But on Saturday he watched his side throw away their dignity and quickly followed suit himself.
Celtic will be hard pushed to retain their championship this year. Without Larsson, I doubt they have the quality and it has become obvious they don’t have the bottle. It has also become clear that O’Neil himself, once touted to take over from Sir Alex at Manchester United barely has the balls to do the second biggest job in Scotland.
What doesn’t please me though is O’Neil calling me a racist bigot. That’s not funny and not appreciated by me or any other Rangers fan and he should be encouraged to shut his daft face and to remind himself that as Celtic manager, he has quite a stake in the bigotry business himself.

No Hugging No Learning

Seinfeld comes out on DVD in America today, so there's bound to be a lot about it in the American press. And this post bears this out, as it's a bit of a Seinfeld special. First, here's a pretty good article that lists ten of the best episodes. I wouldn't argue with any of them, though they may not be my 10 faves.

Of the episodes selected from the current DVD collection, I would say that The Pen, was the episode I was left with a new respect and appreciation for. It's just a brilliant example of how to write a sitcom and how Larry and Jerry adopted a fearless approach to their show.

Anyway, if you have all day to do nothing but read articles on Seinfeld.

USA Today
MSNBC
Ottawa Citizen
AOL Online (The Best Seinfeld Moments)
The Hollywood Reporter
Houston Chronicle
News Leader
Ottawa Business Journal
People
E Online

Fantasy Update

Another week in the Fantasy League then. Atop the table sits Fizz's Big Fanny Failures on 405 points. Samuel Eto'o chimed in with a goal for him in Barcelona's win over Real Madrid. Just two points behind is early pace setter Ronnie's von brauns. Ronnie suffered a blow in midweek with his striker Milan Baros picking up an injury that will sideline him for 4 weeks. So temporarily down to 9 men he picked up some points through his Middlesborough duo of Downing and Jimmy Floyd.

In third place is my own Serenity Now on 384. My Juventus defence duo were in cup action this weekend, so I had to look elsewhere for my big points. Eto'o and Klimowicz up front provided. Lokomotiv Sausages are another team to benefit from Samuel Eto'o's lovely finish into an empty net on Saturday night and on 350 points they sit in fourth. Atletico Madrid keeper Leo Franco and Cafu of Milan are his current two biggest scorers.

Karen's West Bam United on 330 also suffer from the loss of Baros, but Kevin Kuranyi hit a goal for Stuttgart, though Petr Cech in the Chelsea goal let her down a bit. Neltic FC are in 6th with 309. Muzzy Izzet? The now out of the game Finidi George? With 2 transfers remaining for the month this Keith's Work based supremo should be getting elbow deep into that transfer market.

Second from bottom come CSFPG FC yet to break the 300 barrier, stuck as they are, on 298. If it wasn't for Lampard and Ljungberg this side would be dead and buried. Nicola, move into the transfer market for goodness sake. Having said that she's only scored 1 point less than I have for the month, but the potential in the side is there, with a good few pounds and pence in the transfer kitty and 2 transfers sitting. Don't waste them like last month. Propping up the table is Keith's Do you smell gas? His boss Mourinho weighs in with 54 pts and his St James Park ground help him out with 42. Ledley King at the back and the surprise Gary Holt in the midfield chip in with 33 points apiece. Eto'o also bagged a goal for the gas boys, but there's just too many players not pulling their weight in this leaden side.

Based on this month's points only the league would look like this:

1. Big Fanny Failures 118
2. West Bam United 96
3. Lokomotiv Sausages 91
4. the von brauns 82
5. Serenity Now 72
6. CSFPG FC 71
7. Do you smell gas? 61
8. Neltic FC 56

Still a long way to go though.

Ha Ha Hamilton

Last night we were both in Hamilton at Bar Strada for another gig. When I stepped out into the wind and rain, I did wonder 'what's the point?' and when we got to the gig, that was reinforced as even though we arrived about 8 there was only a handful of punters. However a few more folk arrived, though the two of us still thought it was going to descend into chaos as there appeared to be a bit of a drunken rabble going on.

It turned out though to be a really good gig. Although there were only about 20 folk in the crowd they gave us a good reception, I enjoyed my spot. My stuff went down well and although I could have performed better I was pretty happy with it. Fizz went on after me and he too went over well.

The evening was headlined by Vladimir McTavish, who was pretty funny and very complimentary of both of us.

The real star of the show though was Frankie, a guy who was asleep at the bar when the show started. Every act including myself indulged in some sort of banter with him.

Play With Rabbits

You may (or may not) remember Fizz's Alasdair - Awright Guy or Irritating Pipsqueak dilemma the other week. Well we've found out a couple of less than interesting things about him. First of all playing The Gotan Project, gets him positively incensed and second of all he has a mad website all of his own. Bless.

You Owe Me Glue

Well, we've went with the title that we've had kicking about for ages.

Oozing like hilarious goo from the brains behind the infamous Cheery Bananas Magazine “You Owe Me Glue” is a collection of darkly tragic funnies written especially for the festival. Come see the only live sketch comedy show bold enough to say “Yo’mama” right to your stupid face.

You can keep tabs on our sure to be hilarious progress at the website.

"Women to Zak Were Like Scallops..."

Is anyone reading The Infiltrator? If so feel free to offer your opinions and suggestions for where it may go next to its author.

"If Only Smart People Like Your Shit, it Ain't That Smart"

Here's a great interview with Chris Rock by The Onion.

The Laughs Keep Comin'

First off thanks for all your suggestions for a name for our show. All zero of them. Actually, no, we did have one suggestion, but Fizzy and Tom's Laugh-In probably isn't going to cut it. So you have one day to stamp your name on comedy history, as we pretty much have to confirm the name by tonight.

Second of all the Tom and Fizz double act rolls on. Fraser 'You'll Never Get Me in Lanarkshire' Campbell has another gig lined up in Hamilton and you can come back to O'Neills on Saturday 4th December to see the pair of us again. We're both currently threatening to perform 'new material.'

If it Wisnae For Yer Wellies, Where Wid Ye Be?

As a follow up to Fizz's last post, I too read that Billy Connolly interview this morning. He's entitled to wish to be called whatever he wants, if he wishes to distance himself from guys like Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon or Bill Bailey then that's up to him. However portraying comedians who go out with written and re-written prepared material as a lesser art form only encourages the huge number of folk who step onto a stage and ramble for however long they're allowed, with no respect for their paying audience. The people who can do this to some success are few in number.

Let's just look back at The Big Yin's career a wee moment. Surely he's not attempting to convince us that he made The Crucifixion up on the spot, or The Jobbie Weecha? He's not saying that he went on to Parkinson that first time with no semblance of an act?

Woody Allen is rightfully acknowledged as one of the greatest stand-ups of all time. When he first went on stage he read his material out from sheets of paper. He soon learned that didn't work and memorised it all, but he wrote it, every word. As does Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright and many others. Even Bill Hicks, wrote and honed his stuff, even though he made it sound like it was all falling out his mouth for the first time. Of course he could if he wanted to speak off the top of his head, but it wasn't always guaranteed to be funny. Stanhope too, writes his material down and hones it as he goes. When we saw him at the Festival the reason he wasn't so funny on the night I was there was because he was constantly interrupted and had to devaite from his prepared stuff to deal with the fannies in the audience.

Perhaps the reason that Billy Connolly's not had a noteable and quotable piece of material for about 15 years is becAuse he knows he can get away with going on stage and talking about various subjects with not that much preparation. The suggestion that if you write stuff down beforehand makes you less of a comedian or less funny is a shabby argument. Sit through twenty minutes of 'So the war in Iraq then. If it's over someone forgot to tell the Iraqis. Someone heckle me...so anyway...' and see if you think that's funnier than watching Chris Rock or Denis Leary do prepared material.

Standing Up

I’ve just been on the comedy site Chortle where Billy Connelly has been on slagging off “stand ups”, not viciously really but the implication is that if you are a natural patter merchant who does stuff off the cuff, it’s better for an audience than prepared material.

I can see his point.

There’s nothing like a Raymond Mearns or a Billy Connelly on top form, and the freshness in the way the stuff comes out is better than it is with prepared material, there is no barrier between performer and audience.

I’ve encountered this problem – occasionally people have interrupted my act, trying to join in and help really, and I’ve had to break the flow of what I was saying to respond.

Afterwards I’ve had to try to remember what it was I was saying. It breaks the flow, makes the act seem stilted and it does give the impression to an audience that I’m talking at them rather than to them.

So I take the point.

The only problem is it applies only to the guys who are good patter merchants. Unfortunately the comedy scene is cluttered with gibbering fannies who spend 10, 15 and even 20 minutes spouting utter pish.

Not naming any names, but I have worked with a few.

I would much rather watch someone with some well thought out, prepared material that some guy gibbering on about his holiday in Spain with his mates for ten minutes at the climax of which he fails to tell a joke.

I can’t ad lib, or don’t very well at least. So what’s wrong with putting a bit of work in?

And it is work. You write it, you change it, you learn it and you learn to perform it. It’s not a doddle. And all the best guys in my book do it that way. Maybe it’s a British thing. Most of the comedians I admire are American, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock etc. Don’t tell me they don’t have prepared material.

I have been told by Raymond Mearns that I am “not a comedian”, although he did say he liked my stuff and Connelly is spot on when he says that most stand ups really want to be writers, not comedians. That’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t waste people’s time while I’m on stage talking a lot of unfunny pish and I don’t hassle folk in the audience with that “Where ye fae? Wishaw? Wishaw’s a hole, you must be a pure plum!” rubbish you get from so many of these so called patter merchants.

At the end of the day, if you can make a room full of people laugh, who cares how you do it?

Name Our Show

Here's a challenge for any of our readers. We are staging a sketch show for the Glasgow International Comedy Festival next March. We need a name. We have a couple kicking around, but none that we're totally thrilled by. So suggest a name for the show. You want a prize but don't you? Well if we use your suggestion, how about we give you a free ticket to the show?

John Pinette

You know how we love anything Seinfeld related here, so I liked this feature. I enjoyed the irony at the end. Here is the big man's website.

The Hilarity Continues

My comedy comeback continued apace last night with a gig at The Stand in Edinburgh. This was much more like it for me as I went down really well and enjoyed it on stage. I even felt like I wanted to do more. I was on first, as I had predicted on my way there. Generally I quite like being on first, as for one thing if it goes well you can enjoy the rest of the night. Some of my jokes were slow burners, but everything got a laugh.

As for the rest of the evening, as these nights tend to be it was a bit of a mixed bag. My mate, the ever unpredictable, Tony was on. Mad dancing, a toy drum kit, a brilliant bit of improvisation with a lighter and a terrific closing line made him the best of the evening for me.

Other acts on the bill. The double act who spoke in faux American accents all night long absolutely done my head in backstage. An Australian guy who was flashed 12 times to finish up was probably the most excruciating part of the night.

It was the second time I've played the Edinburgh Stand and the second time I've went to The Basement for dinner beforehand. I dunno if I like the idea of forming some sort of pre-match ritual, but perhaps I have.

On this occasion my solitary supporter was Jo and lucky I took her as she offered a detailed critique, not so much of this performance but of gigs previous. This time I didn't do any of the things she said I had a bad habit of doing. Like swinging back and forward for example, I had no idea.

As for the secret details of forthcoming gigs, I am on in Hamilton next week and don't worry I don't expect anyone to come along to that one.

A Date With...Hilarity

Aye, well done us on our stand up comedy come back on Saturday night. Tom's first gig since may, my own first since January. I though we both did pretty well, even if I had a pretty nervy opening when my tried and tested "Crunchie" joke fell flat on it's tired old arse.

Good night all round really considering we lost our headliner, had someone turn up out of the blue and only secured a compere at about half eight that night. It was also great to see so many folk turning out to fake laugh at our stuff.

Tom is back with a few more dates in the next few weeks - see the big man for secret details.

ODB

I thought I'd post ODB's obituary, if only for the last line.

The Laughter Returns

As some of you will know, both Fizz and I made our stand-up comedy comebacks on Saturday night at O'Neills. Appearing on the bill together for the first time, we had the dual roles of performing and organising the gig. Without a compere until 8.30, when Simon McKinney was drafted in at short notice, we also had an unexpected arrival in Bill Bruce, who we managed to squeeze in as well. We also had our headline act Des Clarke replaced late on by Gary Little.

As for us two, Fizzy's nervously anticpated comeback went off with a bang. Despite the fact that he was confused as to when he was going on, he rose to his name being called with great aplomb. His stuff old and new went down a storm.

For my part I thought I performed poorly, although I did still get the laughs.

Cheers to those who turned up to support us, Ronnie & Claire, Iain, Grant, Tommy, Cathy, Johnny & Pauline, Jon, Gregor and Jason & Lindsay.

Steven Wright

Here's a feature with Steven Wright.

Caroline's

Here's a bit about the comedy club that Jerry Seinfeld started out at.

Armando Iannucci Shows

I have just discovered that you can download some epsiodes of Armando Iannucci's mid 90s radio series. It's from a Lee & Herring fan site and I think the episodes relate to guest appearances Lee and Herring made on the show.

Fuck the Bus Company

When I purchased my weekly bus ticket this morning, the bus driver practically sat bolt upright in his seat, implored me not to put my tenner in the chamber but in his grubby paw. He then told me to keep the additional pound, advising me to "Fuck the bus company."

Obviously a man not shy of dipping the takings for himself. I wasn't sure how keen I was on this deal. I get my bus ticket with a quid off, but he pockets a tenspot. If I was offered that sort of deal beforehand I don't think I would have taken it. I end up with less than 10% of the scammed cash.

He printed me off a ticket in the normal fashion. I did wonder how his scam works, surely the tickets put through would have to relate with the money in his takings. Anyone any ideas?

An All Day Session

Yesterday I went out on a day long drinking session with Jo and Moira. That said it wasn't booze the whole way. Having found half of Byres Road shut due to waterworks and renovations we finally ended in out of the rain in the new Bar Buddha in Creswell Lane for breakfast.

From there though we headed for the movies and saw (oh my good God) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (1/5). It was much as I had anticipated and is indeed the first film all over again. My favourite bit though is when the Thai authorities allow Bridget to open the minds of the Thai women in prison with Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books, Galaxy chocolate and lingerie. Despite the fact that one of Britain's best comedy writers, Richard Curtis has had his hand in this, it smacks of the boring rubbish any day dreaming housewife could knock out in 90 minutes. Start with an insecure woman prone to jumping to conclusions, chuck in some daft fantasy about a dream wedding proposal, a few know-it-all friends, a cad and a (shock) happy ending and there you go Bridget Jones 3. As we left the cinema my sarcastic comments of "What an ending! That was like The Sixth Sense! What a twist. I'm floored," weren't welcome.

Back in the real world we spent most of the afternoon in The Universal on Sauchiehall Lane. We had our tea there and I was pleasantly surprised by how good their food was. In the evening we drank cocktails in Gong. The Tooty Fruity proved popular. When that shut we finished off in Oran Mor. I think we were all surprised we had lasted that sort of pace.

By the end of the night we had amused ourselves by playing games such as Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and this easier version of the same game. Though Jo did comment several times, "Tom, I've never heard of any of those films."

I can't say I'm really looking forward to my return to the workforce next week.

David Boring

Yesterday I bought and read, within about 90 minutes David Boring by Daniel Clowes. I don't read many graphic novels and I think this may be the first one I've bought. It was really good, if quite dark and seedy.

Hark The Closet Tory...

Well, it looks as if the Government is going to ban smoking in pubs and restaurants from 2006. For me, that means an end to enjoying the pub, in the same way as a ban on smoking in cinemas meant I pretty much stopped going to see movies.

I understand and totally sympathise with anyone who has genuine health concerns about smoking. I have no beef with not smoking at the movies, neither do I have a problem with not smoking while people are eating. But while having a drink? That’s like saying no sniffing glue while you spike up with heroin.

There is nothing to reconcile the hypocrisy of banning one damaging activity while one is in the act of committing another.

Besides, this is not the real issue here.

There is no more a case for banning smoking than there is for banning crisps or drinking alcohol, and that’s what this is really about. It’s about denying people a right they once took for granted. With this ban in place, what is there to stop health officials from banning fatty foods or alcohol, further eroding a person’s right to live as they choose?

What I really resent is the nanny attitude that still exists within the Labour movement, where you pay taxes and national insurance all your life and then get shit from NHS doctors and politicians if you take up any part of the Health Services precious budget because of your diet or lifestyle.

These people have to be reminded again and again that the system only exists because of the money that we break our arses for in our shitty jobs every week.

This attitude that working class people don’t have the wherewithal to look after themselves and must have legislation designed to help them live longer rammed down their throats is grossly insulting, and likely to be the tip of the ice berg.

Why do they want us to live longer anyway, you have to ask yourself? So we can work longer and keep their sorry little racket going, that is why.

Nanny knows best, and while these Labour doyens enjoy an excellent quality if life on our dollar, they’re not worried about any health problems they might face in the future. They’re all members of BUPA.

The hypocrisy and arrogance displayed in this upcoming legislation is incredible and begs the question: “What are they going to ban us from doing next?”

Write up North

On Saturday I went up to Inverness, where Jennifer and I went to a playwriting workshop run by Liz Lochead. She was quite entertaining, although probably performed a wee bit too much and therefore there wasn't enough time for questions.

Jennifer also provided me with a brief local history lesson.

In Some Schools...

You must read this hilarious article with Big Ron Atkinson. His attempts to talk himself out of the whole racist thing had me laughing for ages. His forthcoming TV show on racism reminds me of that episode of Father Ted when Ted, having offended Craggy Island's Chinese community, organises a slide show to prove he's not racist and only proves that he is in fact an ignorant, big fool. That's pretty much what Ron succeeds in doing here.

Sugar Rape, Anyone?

Here's a feature on Chris Morris and his rumoured new series. And here's another.

All Change in the Fantasy League

A disastrous weekend for league pacesetters The Von Brauns and Serenity Now has seen November start with my own Big Fanny Failures replacing Ronnie at the top of the league with Tom pushed down into third.

While Failures managed an incredible 61 points this weekend thanks to my policy of spend and re-build, Ronnie and Tom pulled in 6 and 5 respectively, thanks in part to injuries, bookings and the sending off of Man U firebrand Alan Smith.
Not a man to stand for being let down in that manner, Tom has already replaced him in his team with Barca front man Samuel Eto’o, although too late to capitalise on his goal scoring performance this Saturday.

Ronnie has also made changes, looking to free up some cash for a third striker, bringing in Boro’s in form Stuart Downing, as good a cheap option as there is in the game perhaps. However, Ronnie will have been rocked by news that after just 13 games, the departure of Tottenham coach Jacques Santini has left him without vital managerial points for the rest of the season.

Further down the table, Neltic FC, West Bam Utd and Locomotiv Sausages have all pulled back to within genuine striking distance of the leaders. Particular credit must go to West Bam, who looked dead and buried just a few weeks ago.

Below the chasing pack are two teams in serious trouble. CSFPG FC’s dramatic slide down the table seems to be the only thing going for Keith’s “Do You Smell Gas?” with Nicola’s team in dire need of an overhaul.

So, an amazing weekend in the Iomartership, with the team who finished the first week bottom going top after some wise spending in the transfer market. Extra transfers are available on the website at £1.50 for two.

Who Are The Digerati?

Cos we were pub quizzing last night we missed Ronnie's band rock out at Barfly. Anybody go? Anyone like to report on it?

Ron has just posted some photos on his site.

Taking the Quiz

Last night at The Rock we helped Cathy with their pub quiz. We finished a commendable 5th out of 20. However we were lying in second place going into the final round, so it turned out to be a bit disappointing. We scored a perfect round on the Films section.

As I was going to the toilet the guy coming out pulled the door just as I was about to push, 'sorry,' he said, 'no bother,' said I. The notable thing about this encounter is that the guy in question was Colin McCredie, who punched Ewan McGregor in a toilet in Shallow Grave. Maybe he wouldn't have tried the same thing with me, but who was willing to risk it?

Does anyone know where Napoleon died? Fizz did, but sadly no one lsitened to him.

Poor Cathy

Cathy is still experiencing flatmate woes.

I got up this morning and there was a full A4 size note ranting that I had left the window unlocked in the lounge and how unimpressed she was by my window behaviour and what a mar it was upon our flat security. It was quite nasty actually. But the thing that really got me about the rant was she had forgotten to lock the front double door to the flat last night! Security my arse.

I wrote a very pleasant note back saying the last time I opened that window was 2 months ago so it has either been sitting unlocked since then or someone else did it. I also pointed out that I would rather my last few weeks in the house be pleasant and the tone of her note was in no way encouraging.

Needless to say she sent me a grovelling text saying sorry it must of been the girl who stayed on the weekends fault (you know the one that left early because **** is a psycho).

She's moving out tonight.

?

Why the fuck is this considered news? Is every fucker just phoning it in now? Last week The Sunaday Mail thought that the biggest story in the world that day was that the latest lottery winner is a shiftless bevy merchant. Can anybody explain to me why people get into journalism nowadays? Surely it's not to report on what some daft bint watches on the telly or interview some jakey who's hit it lucky?

Bullet In The Head

So, the BNP have managed to get Jeremy Hardy banned from performing in Burnley for suggesting that the world would be better off if the BNP and its supporters were “shot in the back of the head”.

They claim “thousands” of their supporters would have been offended by his remarks.

Awwww, poor wittle Nazis. Did big bad, Jeremy Weremy make woo cwy?

I’m sure the oft cardiganed japester isn’t all that bothered as Burnely is a fucking toilet, but where do these malodorous clods get off complaining about being offended by Hardy’s comments?

We tolerate these wannabe ethnic cleansers and allow them freedom of speech because to curtail their rights would affect us all. No one gives a fuck about what offends you, you cunts. Your very existence is an affront to human decency. We put up with you, not the other way round.

Oh and by the way, half a dozen overweight dribblers who couldn’t get a ride at the fucking shows fisting each other off in a basement over a can of warm strongbow isn’t “thousands” of people.

Being shot in the back of the head is the very least the BNP and those who vote for them deserve.

"When Will People Learn? Democracy Doesn't Work!"

So, it looks like the worlds "greatest" democracy has decided on another four years of illiterate warmongering.

Despite it becoming common knowledge that Bush has consistently lied to America about the threat of terrorism and has managed to embroil his nation (and ours) in an idiotic, unwinnable war, Americans have turned out in their droves to endorse interventionism, black propaganda and wholesale death.

To me, America has now become a joke nation. They have voted for an idiot one too many times.

America has now become so addled by the lies and the battering Bush and his ulta conservative cronies have dished them out that the nation seems to have behaved exactly like the the kind of daft bint you see all the time on "Trisha".
Sporting two black eyes and confronted by her man's illegitimate love chidren by her kid sister, Trisha advises her guest to show some respect for herself and leave.
"But I love him" she replies.

America has come down with a bad case of Helsinki Syndrome, swooning over a gang of thugs who are holding their country hostage.

It would appear that what Bush has managed to achieve in this election is a remarkable 4 million vote swing in his favour, thanks in part to tacked on anti-gay and abortion amendments but assisted not least by Bin Laden sticking his head above the parapet last week.
It seems it "reminded" Americans that the so- called terrorist threat still exists, even if all it actually proved was that Bin Laden is still alive and has access to a video camera.

Of course, Bin Laden will be jumping for joy at the result. The Joker cannot exist without Batman.

It's Indecision 2004

I guess I'll stay up late tonight to see how America dithers over their next President. I have the feeling that Bush will get in again. I'll be tuned to the BBC and CNN...for a bit anyway.

Even More on Our Show

The lovely Sara has written a little bit about Saturday's show as well. And very nice words they are too.

The Infiltrator

The first two chapters of The Infiltrator are up. Click the permanent link on the left hand side links bar.

The Seinfeld DVD Marathon

Fizz and I both snapped up the Seinfeld 3 season box set last night. At 50 quid a throw we're quite happy that it's a bargain. Packed with extras, last night I crammed in the alternative version of the pilot along with episodes 2 & 3 and the Inside Look features for all 3 episodes.

My favourite stuff was the Tonight Show appearances including Jerry's very first spot on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show from 1981. Weird, how young and orange he looks. And not as funny. Though still made me laugh. I then settled down to the hour long documentary of how it all began. Great stuff, I only have 37 episodes and 24 hours of extras to get through now.

Fizz on the Telly Again

The big man has just revealed that he's back on the box. He's been head hunted by SMG to provide Rangers TV with his Greatest Ever Rangers Eleven. He goes into the studio on Sunday morning. Naturally surrounded as he is by Celtic fans and me, a non-Rangers supporter he's had suggestions such as Mel Sterland, Colin West, Avi Cohen, Gordon Ramsey, Terry Hurlock, Stephane Guivarc'h, Dale Gordon, Marcus Gale, Peter Van Vossen...

Mutu Ado About Nothing

So, where are we all on the Mutu affair? For anyone who is interested, a 25 year old footballer who admitted taking recreational drugs has been sacked by his club (big spending Chelsea) and is probably going to be sued by them for loss of a potential transfer fee.
Why didn’t they support him? When Arsenal supported the oft steaming/drunk driving Tony Adams a few years back, they were rewarded with the backbone of a double winning side, the player was allowed to wrest back his dignity and good name from the jaws of ignominy and Adams has now gone on to become a respected figure in the game. Adams now runs an addiction charity for addict sports stars and must be up in arms about the way Mutu is being treated.

Lets get the first thing right, he never tried to cheat at football. He took drugs like millions of people his age do as part of his recreational life.

The follow up point a lot of people have been making to this has been that as a footballer, he is a role model to children and therefore should exhibit only completely above board, exemplary behavior.
What a crock of hypocritical shite that is. As adults, we should all be examples to children and we certainly shouldn’t be foisting the job off on a group of entertainers. This blanket, knee jerk bullshit about drugs has to stop, it’s fucking ridiculous. Practically everyone does drugs if you count alcohol and why shouldn’t you count alcohol? It’s a drug. To hear someone like Chick Young, a guy who wallows in his reputation as “a bit of a lad” (a bit of a fucking tit more like) slam Mutu makes me sick to my stomach.

We are now in a ridiculous situation with drugs. It’s the same kind of blanket “well, thems the rules” crap you get regarding porn, where people caught downloading it are instantly sacked by other people who dishonestly pretend they have never looked at pictures of people fucking in their lives.

Everyone knows that everyone else is on something – the trick is not to get caught or at least not to get in trouble with it. This means that a drunk or a drug user who has become adept at hiding their problem gets deeper and deeper into the hole, often endangering their co-workers in the process while those who are caught and forced to confront their addictions are denied help exactly when they need it the most.

And my other point? Doing a few lines of coke ain’t the worst thing you can do in life. It should not be treated as such and getting into trouble with drugs shouldn’t cost you your livelihood. As I’ve said before, until we get past the hypocrisy of condemning people whose only crime has been to get caught doing something we all do we will never tackle the genuine problems drugs cause, either in sport or more importantly among people in general.

"This Film Comes out of my Own DNA."

Have a look at this great article on David O. Russell and his new film I Heart Huckabees.

It's Out! 2

Here's a really good comprehensive review of the Seinfeld DVD.

Here's an interview with Michael Richards.

Some More on the Show

Further to my previous post on our show, there's a little bit about us here.

It's also been proposed that a CD of the night will be released shortly. It should retail for about ten pounds with the profits going to Gartnavel Hospital.

Praise Be To Tom

Well done to Tom for doing a lovely job of producing his friend Gail's memorial night. Really well directed by Tom's pal Claire as well; she managed to do a lot with a tough assignment.

All aspects of the show were handled admirably and the big man deserved his high praise from TV's sexy house doctor Anna Ryder Richardson.

After his enjoyable brush with Nigella Lawson earlier in the week, I'm now expecting him to be singled out for praise on his web design skills by Cameron Diaz any day now.

Save Our Cathy

Our pal Cathy has just sent me a sad yet hilarious e-mail that I should just share.

My flatmate **** has steadily been going mad. She has been drinking a botle and a half of wine by herself every night and is pretty much constantly drunk.

I came home from work on Friday to find she had thrown up in the bath tub and left it there. I can understand when your sick it is hard to clean up but she somehow had the energy to paint a crazy design on the bathroom wall with some dodgy green paint. She then came out of her bedroom and said she has been diagnosed with a heart murmur and she is going to have a heart attack. She also said she had been feeling ill so she drank all my beer.

She had a friend stay on the weekend and I felt very sorry for her as **** was supposed to pick her up at the airport, instead when we arrived home on Firday she was sitting out the front of the flat drunk. The house was totally trashed on Saturday night.

Poor Cathy. The bad news for me and Fizz is that the lady in question is a producer who we were getting ready to meet with, to pitch her ideas, though it sounds like all we have to do is bring 2 bottles of wine pitch our new sitcom 'Flatmates Going Mad!' and the contract is signed.

Yes, Soup For You!

Being off work there was one thing I missed and that was my daily visit to the Kelvin Cafe. Fizy swears by their soups and I have just finished an outstanding large cup of Smoked Salmon, Tomato and Basil. The soups there are so good I reckon she could easily compete with Seinfeld nemesis The Soup Nazi.

Count Me In I Suppose...

Well, thanks to Tom's encouragement I'm ready to add to the list of projects I'll start but probably never finish.

You may read the adventures of our hero The Infiltrator, the Scientist/Occult Detective who is part Shaft, part Albert Schweitzer and all man here.

It's Out!

You must all know by now that Seinfeld is out today on DVD. Fizzy and I are leaving work early in order to snap up all 3 seasons. Of the extras I'm looking forward to the hour long documentary and 'Master of His Domain' unused stand-up from Jerry.

Here's an article on it from yesterday's Observer.

The Iomartership Update

We've not had a run-down of our Fantasy League for a while. So here's one now.

Ronnie's Von Brauns are still out in front, with 321 points. Despite being only a ten man side his lead shows no signs of slipping. Milan Baros and Jimmy Floyd up front are really producing the goods and at the back John Terry and Ledley King are keeping things solid.

I'm in second place a mere 9 points behind with Serenity Now. My Juventus pairing of Thuram and Cannavaro are putting together a great scoring run with 50 and 54 points respectively from only 9 games. I think I'll be making a move in November's transfer window though, as I try to find a third defender with that sort of form.

In third place is Fizzy's Big Fanny Failures 25 points further back on 287. He will have to make a move in the transfer market as Liverpool's Djibril Cisse has been ruled out for the season after a nasty leg break at the weekend. A huge blow for the mercurial Southside gaffer as Cisse is his biggest points scorer.

In fourth on 259 is Dave's Lokomotiv Sausages. Okocha and Ferguson in his midfield deliver, while his new strike partnership of Reyes and Berbatov are taking a little time to get going.

Fifth place belongs to Neltic FC bossed by 'A guy at Keith's work.' He will also suffer from the loss of Cisse, though he has decent returns from Mellberg at Aston Villa and Scotland's only Nigel, Portsmouth midfielder Quashie.

Making a spirited fightback to climb up the table into 6th spot on 234 is Karen's West Bam United. An inspired move to drop Fulham's van der Sar and bring in Chelsea's Petr Cech has saw her turn minus 7 into 37 valuable points. Milan Baros is her next biggest scorer on 33. The third highest points scorer this month I think Karen will climb higher.

Second from bottom comes Nicola's CSFPG FC. This girl has been neglecting her side. Lampard and Ljungberg are still holding it together, however a minus 5 for Diarra in defence and poor showings from Lloyd Dyer (9), Koumas (9), McManaman (6) and Ameobi (7) have seen her early promise become relegation fodder. Someone needs to move into the transfer market.

Propping up the table on 198 is Keith's Do You Smell Gas? Well we smell something. His highest points scorer is his boss Mourinhio with 42. He also has to replace Cisse.

So there you have it, still going to be tough to overhaul Ronnie, but the league is shaping up into an interesting contest.