The First Rule of Fight Club

There were some hilarious antics on the 62 last night. It's not uncommon for rows to develop up the back of any bus I tend to be on. Generally after about 9pm there's at least one bam on any bus you get on in town. However last night I could just feel that the bitter dispute over fuck all was going to turn nasty. I was not disappointed.

The row was between two pissed up neds, one your typical shellsuit, baseball cap and Celtic top, the other a bigger guy in a T-shirt. There was a guy in a tracksuit with a a brilliant second prize across his face, who was loudly trying to mediate.

Anyway after a few minor scuffles that the lad with the mars bar adverted it all kicked off. The boy in the shellsuit, having had enough lip off the other lad, stood up, pulled his shellsuit trousers down to his ankles and ordered him to "suck my dick." At which point the bigger guy punched him round the head. A scuffle ensued and they traded a few blows, though Shellsuit had to resort to spitting. As the rest of the bus shouted "Get off the bus" they made their way down the passageway off the bus, with the bigger guy landing a few punches and headbutts as they went.

Now the passageway on the bus is quite narrow, so the obvious disadvantage one of them had, in that he had his trousers at his ankles, was not apparent until they got onto the street. As they got off the bus Shellsuit tried to pull his trousers up, only to be kicked up the arse and bounced off a shutter. He then made a second attempt only to be clattered into the bus shelter.

By this point Shellsuit decided to stop trying to pull his strides up and just make a run for it. With his trousers still at his ankles he attempted to bomb down the street. Of course he didn't get very far before being clobbered again. Unphased he resumed his comedy dash down the street, only to be very quickly caught and thumped. This routine continued for as far back as I could see from the bus window. It was as if they were acting out an Irvine Welsh adaptation of a Brian Rix style farce.

So remember the first rule of Fight Club - Never start a fight with your breeks at your ankles. It might not have been clearly set out in the guidelines but in Fight Club - Trousers are Compulsory.