YOMG @ Blackfriars DVD

We now have a copy of the show at Blackfriars last month on DVD. Just the one copy mind. It's a riot to watch (even if you happen to be in it) and we'll probably bundle it with the other show when we get around to having copies made up.

If you're lucky enough to be having a screening in the near future, just to whet your appetite here are some stills from the DVD below. Starting and ending with our audience. Can you see yourself?

Cheery Bananas Gold: The Archer Diaries

A few years ago a brilliant thing happened. Jeffrey Archer was sent to prison. The smug twat then had the gall to write a diary about his time in chokey. Fraser wrote a parody of said diary (as did a couple of other folk, but they didn’t nail it like Cheery B nailed it). Apart from one line it’s a spot on parody of Archer’s diary writing style.

DAY ONE
The judge cackles like a wizened harpy on pronouncing sentence. Why does he hate me? The public gallery erupts with cheers as I, Lord Archer, am led away to jail as if I am a commoner and not me, Lord Archer.
As I am led downstairs to the holding cell, the courtroom is in uproar. I can hear champagne corks pop, my fragrant wife Mary being crudely propositioned by a hairy bin man, the strains of “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang.

My mind is swimming with confusion. How can I, a wealthy well-born man, be sent to jail like a common criminal?
Still incredulous, I consult my barrister:
“ Ok,” I tell him, “I lied in court, took five hundred grand compensation that I didn’t really deserve and stepped on the reputations of several innocent parties in order to make it look like I didn’t have sex with a whore but that’s hardly a crime is it?”
“Well yes, yes it is.” He replies, rather un-helpfully.
I mention the possibility of getting an asylum seeker to take my place in prison. My barrister sighs and walks away, shaking his head.
“Just until my appeal!” I call after him, to no avail.
Prison officers lead me into a white van. I shiver with anticipation. Surely the manhandling of my extraneous body parts can only be moments away. I am placed in a small cubicle on my own, leaving me with no option but to manhandle myself.

I am driven to Belmarsh Prison, a forbidding Stalag meant for rapists, murderers and thieves, not for people like me, who have hardly done anything wrong at all.
I am ushered from the van by a female prison guard, a blubbersome vision with a pie in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Just the very idea of the working classes touching me is enough to send a shiver down my spine. After a terrifying spell in a holding cell during which an ethnic actually spoke to me, I am taken to reception. I fear that they are about to strip me and barter for my clothes as the Romans did with Jesus’ possessions as he hung on the cross. Naked and vulnerable, I shiver before them, completely at their mercy. Can it be long before one of these gum-chewing uniformed apes with a badge notices my finely turned calves? My belt and tie are taken but thankfully not my anal virginity, not yet at any case.

I am sent to the medical wing and placed on suicide watch. The thought of killing myself has never entered my head. I mean, why should I? I am an innocent man, nearly.

DAY TWO
I shudder awake from a dream wherein I have become a bitch for the entire population of D Wing. A few of my old Eton chums are there also, egging the commoners on and taking turns at my shop-worn bum-hole. I sigh upon waking as I realise I have my made a mess of my feted bed-sheets. I wearily notice that no breakfast menu has been supplied, then am dumfounded when told that none will be supplied and I am to dine with the ordinary criminals in the canteen. I approach the grizzled looking chef upon entry to the hall and order Eggs Benedict, some coffee and the Financial Times. The ringing laughter of my fellow inmates echoes through the hall for several minutes, during which time I soil myself. Shivering and dismayed, I am invited to avail myself of a plastic tray upon which is dispensed the kind of ominous looking slop one would only expect to see in a glue works. I decline, hoping my fragrant Mary has remembered to send me my favourite biccies from Claridges.

DAY THREE
The following morning I am made to exercise in the yard with all the other prisoners, yes, me, Lord Archer.

I am forced, through fear of my life rather than anything else, to converse with some prole; a petty larcenist named Reg, Mo, Manny, something unswervingly gruesome like that. He advises me to watch out for the man pacing steadily ahead.
“He’s a right naughty jackdaw,” drools the prole, “Slit your throat for a tanner he would.”
I freeze as I see the man approach me, fear gripping me like a curly worm. “I wonder if you could help me,” he stammers, obviously in awe of me, Lord Archer. He then lifts his hand to show me that he has a thorn imbedded in his palm. I skilfully remove it and pat him on the head as he begins to mewl like a little horse.

“I’m a huge fan of your books.” He says, before offering to murder my former secretary who testified against me during my trial. I smile and tell him that civilised men are above such acts. Still, it’s nice to know that I only have to say the word and the bitch is dead.

DAY FOUR
Locked in my cell I go through my massive post-bag of letters from well-wishers. Among them are calls from my fans that I should be set free, compensated and made King of the world. A few former cabinet colleagues have written to tell me that upon my instruction they will undertake a bloody revolution in my name and see me named Lord Protector of England. I must write quickly to tell them to hang fire, for now.

I spend the rest of the evening reflecting on my plight. Will I, like Oscar Wilde before me be banished to a secluded life on foreign shores? In his day he was jailed for simply being a homosexual, an obvious injustice, and one day when lying in court is no longer an offence my jail term will seem every bit as absurd.

I am stirred from my fitful slumber late in the night by pounding rap music. I still can’t believe they have me in here with blacks.

DAY FIVE
The next morning I busy myself by preparing the first few chapter of my explosive expose of the prison service for my publishers. A kindly prison guard offers to post them for me. Like everyone else I’ve met since coming in here, he is a huge fan of my work. He doffs his hat in proper deference to me as he leaves.

DAY SIX
In the exercise yard as I watch the muscle boys work out with no more than an idle interest, I am warned that my life is in danger. Apparently the newspapers are offering a cash reward and use of glamour model Jordan to the first man to stab me.

DAY SEVEN
The next day I give a talk to the creative writing class about how I became a writer. How thrilling it must be for these unwashed feeble-minded souls to have me, a genuine hack writer talk to them as if they are real people! The last time I gave a talk of this nature it was to a conference at Las Vegas – I was treated like the veritable Lord I am and paid a handsome £50,000. Today I am talking to a tiny band of bored looking lags and being paid just about enough to have someone administer a Chinese burn to anyone who annoys me.

Later in the canteen I am told that my favourite, Shepherds Pie is on the menu. As I observe the slop that is placed before me something goes off in my brain.

“I eat at the Ivy!” I scream, “The Savoy! You call this Shepherds Pie? It’s a disgrace!”

With that, I storm back to my cell, where I consider a dirty protest. Considering the smell, I decide to limit my campaign to writing a strongly worded letter to the director of the prison service on the subject of correct preparation of a shepherds pie and include my own recipe for his consideration. Within moments of me finishing the letter, my cell is surrounded by gun toting officers in flack jackets demanding that I give up my protest and eat something. I exit my cell somewhat gingerly, but am jumped from behind by two guards while a third forces a boiled potato down my reluctant throat. It’s a heavy price to pay for my rebellion. The potato is damp and mealy and sits on me heavily throughout the night. It is the end of my first week in hell, but, if the truly terrible state of the food is anything to go by, I fear that my ordeal is only just beginning.

Gervais for Arrested Development

Ricky Gervais is going to appear on Arrested Development and it seems that the cast paid for his air fare so he could do so.

Hawaiian Dick

Our mate Jules has found herself a pen pal in Australia, so that she can spend her working hours chatting online. The interesting thing is that he is a cartoonist and the publication he provides the artwork for is an acclaimed comic called Hawaiian Dick.

A 1950s set detective serial based of course in Hawaii it’s currently in development to be made into a film starring Johnny Knoxville.

Cheery Bananas Gold: Franco

Since Cheery Bananas has recently achieved some critical acclaim, we’ve been talking about doing another one and there’s even the possibility of us writing some Cheery Bananas style stuff for a much bigger fanzine.

Anyway I thought that perhaps some folk might like to read again (or experience for the first time if they haven’t seen it already) some Cheery Bananas gold. (You could go and find all this on the web yourselves, but who are we kidding, right?) As such I’m going to start you off with The Diary of Franco McLaverty.

Franco was/is a washed up footballer. He had it all in his day but now his day is long gone he can’t understand why the good times have left him and he’ll try anything to get it back.

Although the basic idea was originally modelled on the public persona of Frank McAvennie the driving force behind the character’s idiocy is much closer to that of Paul Gascoigne.

This first diary was written, I think, in early 1999. It was the first writing I had done that had achieved some acclaim from other people. If you’re enjoying it I’ll publish the archives every day, if not I’ll make it weekly.

The Diary of Franco McLaverty - Washed Up Footballer Vol 1

Monday: It's tough being a celebrity know? I'm oot the night wi the new burd an that an aw night we wur hounded by they tabloid newspapers. Every time I turn up for a film premiere or the unveiling of a new kind of biscuit, I've goat they whit de ye call them Pappiossio photie guys roon aboot us. They're ay shoutin 'Haw Franco get yer burd tae geez a flash o her paps. I'm only too happy tae oblige. 'She's goat beautiful paps,' I says but afore ye know it, its aw ower the papers . 'Franco's spotted wi the biggest pair o Tits since he played in a 3 man Celtic attack in the mid 80s.' It's no funny likes. I'm a respectable businessman. I've goat a nice wee Massage Parlour an Sauna oot in Easterhoose. The guid bit. It diz a nice wee bit o business. Respectable nat.

Tuesday: The night I'm oan the telly. Fitba oan Channel Five. Aston Villa ur playin in Europe. The presenter guy's aw posh nat. He diz ma heed in. Gie it a bye I tell him. The other two boys oan the panel wur sound. Big Worthy who played fur Spurs an yon black boay canny mind his name. I hud some no bad bits o patter. The Producer thought I wis sound. There wis a no bad lookin wee researcher bird floatin aboot an I goat her nummer. I might no huv the flair in front o the six yerd boax any mair but whin I git in range o they wee hairy boax I canny fail tae score.

Wednesday: f***in bang oot o order that's whit it wis! Bang oot o order I'm tellin ye. I goat Jailed! Jailed! Tin pailed. Ye believe it? I wis bevvyin aw day wi Chazza. He's ma guid mucker by the way. Ye ken whit it's like when we get thegither. Swallyin Champagne an snortin the auld white pooder. I tried tae sign fur a club in Columbia wan time, jist as the career wis rollercoastin tae its end know? Ma agent thought I wis aff ma heed. That's whit I'm goin there fur I telt him. Anyroads me an Chazza ur at this fancy restaurant an we're gien it big licks by the way. Anyway it's aboot seven o cloack an I'm right in the mood fur hittin a club an findin some fit young Manto. Anyway wan o the exs comes in. She sees me an huz a berky. She's flingin grub at us an everythin. Chazza's tryin tae calm her doon, but she jist nuts him. It wis quite funny actually. Then hur man comes in an huz a go at me. Aye well I slapped him wi an ashtray when he wisnae lookin. Afore ye know it the bizzies huv arrived an me an Chazza ur off doon the Copshop. I'm only glad they Pappawhitsit boays wurnae aboot. They let us oot eftir being aw patronisin an that. No a guid night oot. Chazza hud the guid suit pure ruined.

Thursday: Oan the telly again the night. Oan that Sky daein a 'Match o their Day' thing. I picked the gemme where I scored two against the Huns. I'd nipped this wee scrubber in the Bridgeton bar the night afore. Didnae huv a scooby where I wis whin I woke up. Jist made it tae the grun in time fur kick aff. They were aw 'Whit dae ye remember aboot the gemme?' I wis like, 'I telt yeez. I scored twa against the Huns…nipped this wee burd.' I mean whit is it they want aff ye? I mind whin I wis in Belgium fur a World Cup Qualifier. Whit a laugh Chazza an me hud. We flushed the Gaffer's daft dossier oan they Belgium jokers doon the lavvy. Aye he wisnae laughin. We goat humped five-wan. Come tae think o it, that wis ma last gemme fur Scoatlin.

Friday: The weekend is here an if the week so far huz been a laugh then the weekend is odds oan tae be a pure hoot. I fly up tae Glesca the day. I nip intae The Gentle Touch. I wanted tae call it Boots an Studs seein as how I'm wis a fitba player an that. They widnae let us. I set up the business wi Scotty the physio when I wis wi the Saints. It gies the auld boay an interest.

I'm meetin this film producer boay in Princes Square tae chat aboot a film o ma life. They're talkin aboot getting yon Ewan McGregor boay tae star as me. I'm aw fur jist playin masel. The guy's aw pure showbiz. I cannae stick him the fanny. I want the best lookin burds possible in it I tells him. I only nipped the best. I think they're gonnie git that Boabby Carlyle tae play Chazza. No a bad bit o castin. The boay says that he's no happy wi the idea o me playin masel. I'm no bothered but cos I'll be writin the script.

I'm meetin a couple o boays that I used tae sweep the roads wi the night. Huv a few beers, see whit burds ur aboot, bit o a laugh and that. They take us tae a place called Gentz. I wis like, 'Whit is this a toilet or somethin?' Turns oot it's a poof's pub! Benders an that. I mean I've nothin against them like, but I'm no huvin this. The Evenin Times would huv a field day if they foon oot. It turns oot that auld Ronnie, that worked the roads wi he's turned poofter. I says tae him, 'Ronnie, I've nothin against poofters like an if you want tae be wan that's up tae you but dinnae you ever speak tae me ever again.' I've goat a reputation tae maintain.
Eftir that I couldnae face goin oot an tryin tae nip a burd. I jist goes back tae the hotel an sticks some low quality porn oan.

Saturday: I'm aff tae the fitba in eftirnin. Director's boax, they've no forgot aboot Franco at Sellik Park. Everybidy's aw 'Awright Franco,' nat. I cannae believe the nick o yon foreign boay the Tic huv goat up front. He's pure mingin by the way. I could dae better whin I wis burlin. There's a few foreign boays in the team noo. No like in ma day. I'm surprised the Scoattish boays kin unnerstaun a single wurd they're sayin tae thum.
The Tic win wi that foreign boay missin hauf a dozen sitters unner the bar. I sees um in the Players Lounge an huz a quite wee wurd wi him. 'Ho!' I says tae him, 'Ho foreign boay! Hagar an that! You were loupin the day. Pure mingin.' The boay huz me flung oot. 'You dinnae ken who am ur!' I'm shoutin, but the security boays pap me oot oan the street. Pure beelin so I wiz. I tanned a motor an goat aff ma mark.
I headed straight fur Clatty's. I'll find masel a wee wench I thought. Some tidy bits o stuff in there I'll tell ye. Some o thum ur too young tae remember ma hat-trick against Arsenal in 84. I finds a wee madam though. Aw highlights an a wee fanny belt. Jist the stuff Franco likes. Back tae hur place wi hur wean screamin its heed aff in the next room.

I taxied it oot o there early doors come sun up.

Sunday: back doon tae London oan the Easyjet. I gets tae the hoose an wid ye believe it, I've only been robbed. The hoose turned right ower like. I checked ma medal collection. Scoattish Cup medal still there. 'I jist turned an hit it Archie, an it went in. It's a bonus really.' Cannae f***in believe it. Ma hoose tanned! Takin the telly widescreen joab an aw. Then a see the blank space where they should be. Naw. No. No the videos. No 'Franco's Ladies.' No ma collection o discreetly photographed sexual conquests. Naw! Naw! I'll get the scum.
I huv tae phone the Polis an they come roon eventually. I cannae really tell thum whit wis oan they tapes but they ken I'm anxious tae get them back.
I look at the pictures o masel wi that model burd I went oot wi and the picture o me an Chazza wi the Scoattish Cup. Both o them huv goat a willie an big pair o baws drawn ower ma coupon. f***in scum I'll git them…

Morning Porridge

There'’s some more about Ronnie Barker in the papers today. Here Mark Lawson provides an outline of his career and gives his thoughts on why Barker achieved televisual immortality.

Erwin James wrote a column for The Guardian from inside prison while he was serving a life sentence, so heÂ’s perfectly placed to give an opinion on the portrayal of prisoners versus screws depicted in Porridge.

He mentions that we never discover what exactly Fletcher did to earn him his 5 year stretch. As a boy watching Porridge I once asked my Dad what he did to get him put away. Instead of admitting that he had no idea, my Dad replied “stealing milk bottles.” So for several years I always assumed that the theft of empty milk bottles from a doorstep could land you with a five year prison sentence.

Alasdair, who has never seen Porridge, has just asked me if it is 'like a comedy Bad Girls'.

Again I'll update this with any more features throughout the day.

Another sitcom star Warren Mitchell offers his memories.

Who was Gerald Wiley? A look at Barker's writing alter ego.

Here is an archived interview with Chortle.

The Call of the Weird

Here’s a guy that’s been away for a wee while, but is always entertaining. Louis Theroux. Fraser and I routinely discuss the episode where Louis visited a Thai dating agency (not least cos I once did a website for one of their rivals) and in particular the star of that show, Lake Palmer. A fascinating guy in his own right.

The Squid and The Whale

Here’s a film that has caught my eye. The Squid and The Whale stars a hirsute Jeff Daniels and the always excellent Laura Linney as a couple divorcing in 1986 Brooklyn. It also stars William Baldwin and the gorgeous (oh aye and talented) Anna Paquin.

Playing one of the couple’s two children is Jesse Eisenberg. He was terrific a couple of years ago opposite Campbell Scott in Rodger Dodger.

The film was produced by Wes Anderson and is written and directed by Noah Baumbach, who co-wrote The Life Aquatic with Mr. Anderson.

It comes out in the US this week, so who knows when we’ll see it over here. It’s a nice website too.

And It's Goodnight From Him...

The sad news that Ronnie Barker has died has just been broken.

Barker dominated comedy in the 1970’s with his hugely popular shows, "The Two Ronnies", "Porridge", "Open All Hours" and "Going Straight". Most people will probably remember him as Fletcher, the charismatic, insolent wheeler-dealer of Slade Prison, delivering some of the most brilliantly written comic writing ever to grace British television.

But it is for the Two Ronnies, a show I watched religiously as a child, that I will remember him for. Ronnie Barker made words funny, sometimes by making them up, sometimes by saying them in the wrong order, sometimes just by delivering them at exactly the right moment. He was a master of word-play and equally at ease with the most complex puns and the broadest of seaside postcard humour. I recall great stuff like “The Phantom Raspberry Blower”, and “The Worm That Turned” but the one gag that gets me ending myself even to this day was one of the songs Barker and his partner Ronnie Corbett always delivered at the end of the show.

Dressed as North American Indians, The pair quoted verbatim the first few verses of the Longfellow poem Hiawatha, which lasts a good few minutes. The only thing they changed was the very last line. After extolling the supernatural heroics of this mythical figure for several minutes, the last line should have been “…and his name was Hiawatha”. They changed that to “ …and his name was Des O’Conner.” The audience collapsed with laughter and our house was in an uproar as well. A three minute set-up to get to a weedy gag about their mate. Sheer comic genius – maybe Morecambe and Wise could have gotten away with something similar, but no-one else.

An excellent writer, Barker shunned fame and retired after developing the heart problems that eventually killed him. He made a limited return to our screens in the last few years to present compilation shows of old Two Ronnies material and recently collected a well earned BAFTA for lifetime achievement.

His passing highlights a bygone age of quality in British comedy. Barker’s incredible ability to marry intelligence with universal appeal seems beyond anyone working within the fragmented parameters of British Comedy today. Barker’s achievement was to make the entire nation laugh. 17 million people watched the Two Ronnies every week. That feat is unlikely ever to be matched.

Ronnie Barker 1929-2005

Ronnie Barker has died. I grew up watching The Two Ronnies and what I consider his best part, Fletcher in Porridge. Barker was one of the finest comedy actors ever, who could portray a range of characters from the ducking and diving prisoner Fletch to Open All Hours’ stuttering, bumbling Arkwright.

The Two Ronnies was a rare thing, a show that was really aimed at our parents but that we used to talk about in the playground at school the next day. The Fork Handles sketch is generally accepted as one of the best sketches ever on British television.

It was Porridge for me though that Ronnie Barker displayed his comedic talents to the full. Fletch was always trying to keep his head down in prison and do his time quietly, but he’d always be dragged into some scheme that he would usually try to foil in order to keep the peace. Barker was perfect whether playing the wise sage to Richard Beckinsale’s wet behind the ears Godber or whether Fletch was kowtowing to Peter Vaughan’s prison kingpin Grouty.

He recently made a brief return from retirement to do a brief run of new Two Ronnies episodes, British television will be all the poorer without him.

I'll update with tributes etc throughout the day.

Here's a link to some of his best gags.

Here's some tributes to him from some of those who worked with him or who have simply enjoyed his comedy, including Michael Palin, Dave Spikey and Bernard Manning.

Here is a link to a monologue 'Pismronunciation'.

Here is Michael Parkinson talking about him today.

Fellow sitcom veteran Richard Briers talking about him.

Here’s some contemporary comedians such as Peter Kay, Stephen Fry and Rik Mayall talking about Ronnie Barker.

A comprehensive obituary from The Guardian.

Ronnie Corbett's tribute.

Beard Contest Week Two

Here’s Week Two in our Beard Contest. We decided that in order to make it more interesting we’d all put one pound in the pot each week. This of course means that if anyone wants to get out early they haven’t risked much. It will though give us more reason to carry on as the pot builds.

Here’s the update in the photos below. From top – Alasdair, me, John then Ian.

Back to His Best...

Here’s a good story from The Guardian’s media section about how Guy Ritchie’s latest film Revolver has managed to manipulate a positive press quote onto its poster, despite every reviewer across the board hating it.

I went to see it last week and it does have the germ of a decent film in there somewhere. Jason Statham is a decent lead, Ray Liotta is menacing enough, though he spends much of his time in his leopard skin briefs. Andre Benjamin is the stand out though. Better known as Out Kast’s Andre 3000 he pulls off a charismatic bad guy (or is he a good guy).

I dunno why Guy Ritchie thought he’d turn expectations on its head by attempting to mix the gangster genre with David Lynch style surrealism. He doesn’t really pull it off.

When it ended I wasn’t quite sure if it had finished or not and the dawning realisation among the audience that the end was upon us, was met by a spontaneous round of applause followed by shouts of “Pish!”

The Friday Quiz

This week's quiz was compiled by Fraser. I'll post the one I did last week some other time. Answers in the comments section please.

I have taken this quiz in work with a score of 10.5. This is me with my prize a copy of Private Eye's Colemanballs 12, which has lay on Fraser's desk for about 6 weeks now.

As a hint the answer to the last question is neither Kurt Cobain nor my guess Ivor Cutler.

1) In rock music who is the “Lizard King”?

2) 82 year old Walter Wolfgang was chucked out of the Labour Party Conference this week. Who was he heckling?

3) Which Scottish location is being used by the makers of movie “The Da Vinci Code?

4) Which popular US sit-com was aired live this week?

5) Who is the King of Sweden?

6) Who was known as the “king of the kop”?

7) Which Scottish comic book writer created “The Invisibles” and revitalised “Animal Man” and the “Doom Patrol”?

8) Name 5 major Belgian cities.

9) Who did Cassius Clay/Mohammed Ali beat to become world champ for the first time?

10) Who wrote this?

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

4PM UPDATE: The answers are now in the Comments section.

Albert Brooks

Albert Brooks has got into bother with his new film Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World. It appears that the use of the word ‘Muslim’ has set distributor Sony into a flap.

If ya don’t know Albert Brooks is a comedian and film maker who has been consistently making his own movies for decades. His real name is Albert Einstein (seriously) and he began his career as a stand-up comedian. I once saw his bad ventriloquist routine Danny and Dave on The Ed Sullivan Show and it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen.

As well as making his own films such as Real Life (1979), Lost in America (1985), Mother (1996) and The Muse (1999) he has also appeared in many films by other directors. His most notable roles have been in Taxi Driver (1976) and Broadcast News (1987). For the latter he was nominated for an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor. For me he provided a star turn as Ripley in Out of Sight (1998).

He ahs also appeared as a voice on The Simpsons several times playing memorable characters such as Jacques, the bowler who tries to seduce Marge, Brad Goodman the Self Help Guru who believes in bringing out the inner child in all of us and my personal favourite Hank Scorpio boss of Globex.

Here’s a lengthy interview with him as he promotes The Muse. And finally an interview with him in Playboy magazine.

"Me, Too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

Here Emo Phillips talks about a classic joke of his, that has been voted the number one religious joke of all time. I remember him doing it when I saw him at the King’s Theatre back in 1990.

He also discusses the intention of the Government here to outlaws potentially ‘offensive’ religious jokes.

Singing Uncle Junior

Here’s an interview with Dominic Chianese who plays Uncle Junior on The Sopranos. In it he discusses his role in Woody Allen’s play A Second Hand Memory that played off-Broadway at the end of last year. It’s an interesting little take on Woody’s methods of working.

Also if you click on the link to his website you will see that Uncle Junior is also a well known singer around New York.

Phil Daniels

In 1984 Mike Leigh made a film called Meantime. Set on a London housing estate and a pretty bleak story with plenty of plinky plonky dreary incidental music it sounds much the same as a large selection of his back catalogue.

Meantime, devised by Leigh and the cast, as are all his films, featured some of the best acting talent of the day. It saw future Hollywood stars in Alfred Molina, Gary Oldman and Tim Roth.

However at the time of the production the biggest acting talent among the cast was one Phil Daniels. He’d starred in Scum and Quadrophenia and was the young prospect touted for success.

Molina has featured in numerous Hollywood films including Boogie Nights and last year’s Spiderman 2. Oldman of course starred in Dracula, JFK and this year as the young Commissioner Gordon in Batman Begins. Tim Roth landed an Oscar nomination for Rob Roy and is a familiar face on screen thanks to roles in Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Dark Water.

Phil Daniels this week joins the cast of Eastenders.

Although I’ve obviously written this to highlight the fact that Daniels hasn’t reached the status of his peers, what his involvement in Eastenders will surely do is create some great drama for the show. Eastenders has been consistently the best soap opera on television for my money since the glory days of Brookside ended some ten years or so ago. That said it stumbles every now and again, bringing back and then killing off yet again Dity Den is just one of those glitches.

Daniels’ career path has had its highs and lows over the years. Perhaps his biggest hit of the 90s was singing on Blur’s Parklife. Of course he has done some good TV work including the recent Outlaws, The Long Firm and from a few years ago his bulimic food critic in Holding On.

I think Phil Daniels’ chance of appearing as the lead in a big movie has gone, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be responsible for some of the best soap opera drama in the coming year.

Sein On

Jerry Seinfeld is touring around America at the moment. Tommy has just told me that he’ll be playing California when he’s over there. Nicola also had a hilarious mishap attempting to buy tickets for him in Vegas last month.

Here’s some stories on Jerry.

A queue builds for tickets to Jerry’s show in Helena. Jerry Seinfeld walks into a diner and has a burger. A review of a show in Wisconsin.

Jerry’s, already documented here, take on Terrorist training films.

Jerry Seinfeld usually doesn't get political, but he did manage to throw in some zingers Saturday night at the Hollywood benefit for Autism Speaks. "Seems like the war in Iraq is going smoothly," he said. "Can't seem to find the terrorists, yet we have a tremendous amount of film of terrorists training in their camps. They need to find the guy dropping off the film"

And here’s a bit about Jerry’s all time comedy hero Robert Klein.

Destroy Guerrilla Marketing

Travelling to work today I noticed a spray painted publicity blurb for uber-dull Scottish dance act Mylo on a electrical signal box. It hadn’t really hit me before, but why has this guy and his record label Breastfed been allowed to spray graffiti and effectively deface the city in a bid to sell records?

If anyone remembers, I blogged about a despicable example of what’s known as guerrilla marketing a few weeks ago, when Nike stole Minor Threat’s logo and image as part of a corporate skateboarding event. But at least they weren’t actually damaging and defacing public utilities, although I’m sure they would if they though it would sell a few more pairs of gutties.

Ultimately, Mylo’s spray painted marketing campaign will have to be cleaned up and who will have to pay for it? That’s right, me and every other muggins council tax payer in the city. So this fud and his “cool” cronies are probably going to end up costing me money.

Of course, the other possibility is that it will just be left to fade over the years, like so much of the damage done to this decaying wreck of a city by its near-sighted residents.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to get the ball rolling on the Council suing Breastfed, or at least getting them to pay for the clean-up.

Hopefully the move will bankrupt them, allowing me to enjoy my remaining years free from their vapid back catalogue, helping me to escape the inevitable point where their marketing campaign for a new record involves them pissing through my letterbox or slashing the name of someone’s new album into my cheek.

Let’s see how cool and clever these cynical fucks think they are when City Chambers has them in overalls and marigolds cleaning up the mess they have made.

How to Build a Joke

If you need an instruction on how to build a joke, you will get no better person to teach you than Demetri Martin.

And here is The Ten Funniest New Yorkers You've Never Heard Of.

Merchant City Festival

No mention of us in this article of course, but apparently the Merchant City Festival, which of course YOMG was part of attracted crowds of around 40,000.

The picture there is, as you will have guessed, the cover to the YOMG programme, featuring Bertie, the most popular member of the cast. Though he wasn't holding court in the bar afterwards like he did in July...here that's a thing where is Bertie?

Ted Leo Interview

Here's an interview with Ted Leo, when he was in Manchester on his British tour earlier this year.

While we're here, why don't you try heading over to his own site and playing some of the numerous mp3s? If you've never heard Ted Leo and the Pharamcists properly it's a great way to get into them. I'd suggest starting with Me and Mia but there's a load of good songs on there.

A Best Seller

Through a round of TV appearances cult author Kurt Vonnegut writer of such books as Breakfast of Champions and Slaughterhouse Five, has found himself in the best sellers list.

His latest book A Man Without a Country has reached the top 10 on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com.

On this page you'll find a link to a video of his appearance on The Daily Show. If you can't watch it, here's a blog that extracts some of the choice bits. This is a link to his appearance on Bill Maher's show.

“Writing allows mediocre people who are patient and industrious to revise their stupidity, to edit themselves into intelligence.”

—Kurt Vonnegut

Roger Moore was the Best Bond

I'll start off this morning with a football post. This is former Ipswich, Manchester United and Scotland striker Alan Brazil talking to The Guardian about his career.

He briefly discusses Scotland's 1982 World Cup campaign as well as his fondness for 'so many' kinds of drink.

He's now a radio sports presenter and has notoriously been fired more than once for turning up for his early morning shift while still drunk from the night before.

Beard Contest

I can't remember exactly what kicked off the idea, but at work, or specifically at my desk, we've decided to have a beard contest. There are four of us involved. Myself, Alasdair, John and Ian.

Today is Day One. We all start off clean shaven. The rules are that shaping is allowed, but trimming is not. I think we agreed to chuck ten quid into a pot each. We haven't set a final date, so I think the winner is whoever is last to shave.

Below I've put photographs of the contestants. I guess I'll update it weekly. The contestants are as follows, Alasdair, John, me and Ian.

Grain Salt

Here's an interview from today's Metro with the League of Gentlemen's Reece Shearsmith. He talks about the forthcoming LoG stage show.

Glue Review

Tommy has posted his review of YOMG. T was a punter this time round, so he's entitled to his critical opinion.

Southland Tales

The other day there, Fizz, Iain and I were looking at the website for Richard Kelly's new film Southland Tales.

How do you follow up a cult hit like Donnie Darko? Well, you assemble a cast that includes The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kevin Smith and Janeane Garofalo; set it in Los Angeles on July 4, 2008, as it stands on the brink of social, economic and environmental disaster. Sit back and see what happens.

In the lead up to the film five graphic novels will be published. You don't have to buy them to understand the film, but doing so will "enrich the experience".

"Your Wife Donated Your Car to the Contest to Stop Global Warming."

In America Larry David and Curb Your Enthusiasm are back for their 5th season. Over here Season Four is about to be released on DVD. I've already watched all of the 4th season and it keeps up the high standard of previous seasons. The final hour long episode in particular is a delight. The thread that has been running all season long finally unravels in style.

Season 5 includes an episode called 'The Christ Nail' and I found these details about a thread running through this season.

It seems that throughout the coming season, there will be a theme of Larry searching for his identity while mining his Jewish roots and looking into his very birth history to uncover whether or not he was adopted (based on a semi-delirious comment from his father while recovering in a hospital bed).

These two articles highlight the return of the show.

It's a Hit

I think we can safely hail the 3rd You Owe Me Glue a success. A complete sell-out, we were in the odd position of turning people away at the door, we even had someone attempting to blag his way in. "I know Tom Brogan," he told me. Naw you don't mate.

As for the show itself we stormed it, although for my part I didn't think I performed all that well. The crowd were very responsive, we had them shouting out and they really got into a few of the sketches.

Darran put in a first class performance shutting the one heckler up, making the most of his every line and turning what I thought was one of the weakest sketches into a stormer. His portrayal of Jesus went over well and he played up to my lairy Judas very well.

The one sketch though that absolutely slayed the crowd was Fight Night on the 40. A boxing TV show on the bus. Fizz nailed his sportscaster well and Dazza and Jason mugged to the audience perfectly. It was a weird feeling performing it as with the lights deciding to go on and off and the crowd shouting out and roaring along with it, there was a real sense of something chaotic happening. With this type of show we fall into an odd middle ground between theatre and stand-up and the two really crossed over last night.

I should mention of course Anne-Marie and Moira who were both excellent. And the sketch that Anne-Marie contributed to the show went over well too, with no small part played by Darran's performance. It was met by a mixture of laughter and disgust.

So all in all a great night. The only thing now is where to go from here. In my humble opinion it's become too good a show to do to a local audience on an irregular basis. We have to find somewhere to do this regularly, build some sort of momentum and start to take ourselves more seriously in terms of getting media and television folk to take some interest in us.

The show was filmed, so hopefully we can get a few copies made up. Have a look at the new YOMG thread on Chortle for further evidence of a satisfied crowd.

I should also say thanks to Graeme for doing the lighting and sound. He got everything just right despite having to contend with some technical problems. And thanks to Iain for doing the artwork and Lindsay (who I forgot to thank in the programme) who did flyers for us and designed our DVD cover.

"You're Never Alone on the Dole in Manchester"

No Friday quiz today, I'll post it next week. I compiled it this week and some of it seems to have been too tough for the folk in here, so I'll alter the best bits and post next Friday when all quizzers are online.

It's just as well that YOMG is sold out for tonight as the publicity is still as incompetent as ever. We are listed in the Metro today, but for the second show in a row they have us listed on the wrong night. Last time they advertised the Sunday show as a Friday. This time they swap that blunder around.

Anyway in the meantime have a look at this great interview with Ian Brown from today's Guardian. Promoting his new Greatest Hits album the chat covers a lot of early Stone Roses ground.

Glue is a Sell-Out

We've just got the word that You Owe Me Glue is sold out for tommorow's performance.

This is good news of course, but now leaves us with the unexpected problem of trying to squeeze in several guest-listed pals and important bods invited to the show, most of them before we had been bumped from Arta, a much bigger venue.

Still, more the promoters problem than ours. I've just had the oddest experience of having to tell friends calling me and texting me about tickets that there are none left and that they can't come to see us this time round.

While there's an upside to that as well if you want to see it, I do hate the idea of having to turn away folk from seeing us, because we've been booked into too small a venue.

Ah well, we'll probably book a barn next night and play to 6 people.

From Lord To Bitch In One Easy Fire-Raising...

It's 16 months in the pokey with a cork (or more likely a cell-mate) in his bum for Lord Watson, the pyro-peer. Too fucking funny for words.

We're The Replacements or The Pixies of Comedy

Here's a really good interview with Dave Foley and Kevin McDonald from The Kids in the Hall. They are currently appearing in Sky High, a film about the children of Super-Heroes where they play schoolteachers.

The interview spends more time talking, though, about Kids in the Hall and the problems they faced when making their early TV series. They also discuss the New Comedy Mafia - Stiller, Vaughn and O. Wilson.

Shoot Him Carl

I’m amused by the trial of So Solid Crew’s Megaman. Not least because his real name is Dwayne. And the guy he had a gun battle in the street with (or rather his flunky, Carl, had a gun battle with) was called Colin.

Rock Talk

Since everybody hates work, here’s a link to a preview and interviews about Chris Rocks’ new sit–com “Everybody Hates Chris”.

I’m hoping it will be a good show, mainly because I think Chris Rock is about the best stand-up working today, with the possible exception of Doug Stanhope.

Rock is much bigger than Doug though and hasn’t yet been reduced to selling hand made gifts from pre-pubescent family members on ebay.

I have a weird feeling “Everybody Hates Chris” will be average at best though. The main reason being that well, it’s an American sit-com but also because I always felt that Rock was never a writer and is often too eager to appeal to a mass audience.

His Saturday Night Live stuff I’ve seen often seemed well below par and he also has an odd habit of picking really poor movie vehicles that fail to show him as he is; a riotously funny and acerbic observer of modern life.

Here’s hoping I’m wrong. All will be revealed over here when Five run with it in the new year.

Best Blog Ever?

This could be the best blog ever. Landry, who works with us, has his own blog and considering his propensity for being hilarious, even though sometimes he doesn't realise it, this could be very entertaining. Get yourself over to it and see if he'll share some of his crazy views with you. At the moment he is reviewing the first CD in our new CD Exchange.

Coming Together Like Glue

Two days to go until Glue Time. Rehearsals are going shabbily, we had problems with transport and technology last night. Fizz, Graeme and I arrived half an hour late cos of the buses and Jason came along quarter of an hour after that, cos he got lost. The laptop that we’re using for the sound effects may not be suitable and it turns out we’re all still tripping over our lines. Great stuff eh?

Better (or perhaps worse) news is that so far we have sold 45 tickets. For a venue with a capacity of 70 that’s not bad and if you add on our guestlist, we’re up to about 60 bodies.

The DVDs are ready. We have 50 copies that will be selling on the night for £5 a throw. The sleeves are looking smart and I’ll be off to get them printed up tonight. So all we have to do is not be rubbish and it’ll all be sweet.

Turn it Down

This may be something that you've noticed in the years you've been watching television. That adverts are louder than the rest of the programmes. ITV have just been done for increasing the sound level of their adverts. This article also explains how TV companies manipulate the sound of the ads so that they are at the same volume, yet sound louder.

Calvin and Hobbes

Alasdair just sent me a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon and it got me searching. Calvin and Hobbes will be 20 years old in November. I’ve been reading them for about 15 years. It appears that more than 300 newspapers in America are starting to run Calvin and Hobbes strips once again. So rather than link to just one paper, here is the Google search with links to many newspapers’ articles on Calvin and Hobbes.

Next month The Complete Calvin and Hobbes will be released. Weighing 23 pounds per complete set, it will cost £90, and will be 1440 pages. It will become the most expensive and heaviest book ever to make The New York Times Best Seller List, should it do so.

Here’s a link to the publishers’ Calvin and Hobbes page, it includes trivia and much more.

Scenes from The Saville Enquiry

The Tricycle Theatre in Kilburn, London has developed a reputation in recent years for performing plays based on transcripts of public enquiries such as the reconstruction of The Stephen Lawrence Inquiry – The Colour of Justice. Currently they are presenting Bloody Sunday – Scenes from The Saville Enquiry. Here is a feature on its production and why it should be televised, from The Guardian.

Fantasy Round- Up

Despite promising myself that I’d enter just the one this year, I find myself embroiled in no less than 3 fantasy football leagues.

After my treble triumph last year, “the pressure is on” to maintain my record of having never lost a fantasy league.

Currently, I’m 8th in the Herald League at work, well in touch with the leaders.

In the improved Champions League game Tom found we are both languishing near the bottom, after one full round of matches. Still a lot of football to be played there.

The one that really matters though, is the Cheerybananaship, which is shaping up nicely.

In this game your combined knowledge of the English, Spanish, German and Italian leagues is stretched and as a bit of a football buff, I find this one the most fun to play, with the thrills spills and vagaries of not one but four top class leagues deciding the fate of your chosen 11. With all four leagues in full swing now, the points are beginning to go on the board.

In the lead are FC Ballsack with a tasty 193 points; a healthy 19 delivered by Inter striker Adriano.

In second place are my own Big Fanny Failures on 177. Man United defender Mikael Silvestre is my main man so far.

Big performances from usual suspects John Terry and Frank Lampard see The Confederates in third place.

Just behind are Tom’s Habitual Line Steppers who have pulled in a massive 45 points via Chelsea keeper Peter Cech.

In 5th lie Tommy’s Skalcoholic Astros, with Edwin Van Der Sar and the ever popular Frank Lampard scoring well. A couple of changes required for Tommy though as he seems to have a couple of players no longer eligible for the game in his squad.

Three points separate sixth from fourth and it’s 6th place for the moment for John’s Celtic FC.

Glazed Ham United lead the chasing pack in 7th, having scored well with the now injured Asier Del Horno.

It’s a three pronged attack for Venceremos! in 8th, who have Munich’s Michael Ballack at the heart of things.

It’s been a slow start for the David Hasslehoff Fan Club who languish in 9th on 94 points.

And propping up the table is Ronnie’s Dinamo Explosivo on a very disappointing 69 points.

Is Ronnie adrift and out of it already? Only time will tell…

Bored - So Here Are Some Random Links

Awright there’s no work here to do in this rotten wee office, so here’s some links. I found a set of photographs taken at the Arcade Fire show I was at in May. They’re not that great though, as the photographer himself acknowledged. They were taken from around about the same place I was standing.

David Bowie recently played a few shows with Arcade Fire and on this site there’s an mp3 of them performing Wake Up.

Two Raith Rovers fans went around the football grounds of Scotland at the weekend to raise funds for Reclaim the Rovers campaign. Here’s their blog of the day.

I’ll also share some bands I’ve been listening to recently. For the last few months I’ve been playing Rilo Kiley constantly. I think I’ve posted this link before; a fan site with a number of live shows available to download.

I’ve also recently been listening to The New Pornographers. They have a new album, Twin Cinema, out now. The link is blocked in here due to the ‘adult’ name. So you could go here instead.

Viva Voce are great – a husband and wife team from Portland, Oregon, they play Glasgow next month.

Manda Rin from Data Panik (and formerly from Bis) appears to have had some recent trouble with the soundmen at Oran Mor. As I recall when I did something there back in May the soundman was less than helpful.

No Rock ‘n’ Roll Fun is a pretty entertaining music news blog.

The work of One Neck is now featuring in the Gaseous Brain blog.

I hope you’re all watching Arrested Development. Each episode of this second series has been consistently hilarious. Including last night’s with GOB demanding that the Bleuth Company staff don’t damage his increasingly more expensive suit.

I have noticed that one of the producers on this series is Jennifer Crittenden. She wrote several episodes of The Simpsons as well as episodes of Seinfeld and was a producer on Everybody Loves Raymond.

Here's something for us all to be proud of here. Scotland has been named The Most Violent Country in the Developed World. Get it right up ye America.

You are three times as likely to feel the warm hand of a mugger round about your face in Scotland as in the U S of A. It seems our love of ‘booze and blades’ and our embracing of sectarian hatred is paramount in our role World’s Best Chib Merchants. Makes you proud eh?

Another Friday Quiz

Here's some questions from this week's work quiz. This one was made up by Fraser and Graeme. It has a Scottish/Canadian flavour.

Basically this boils down to a challenge between Tommy and Nicola. Answers in the comments section please kids. You're both generally as useless as one another, so it should be a tight contest. And no lenient marking for birthday girls.

I've had to add a couple of questions of my own cos mainly they were questions on Canadian Heavy Metal.

Which Scot considered the architect of Canada’s Health system was voted “Greatest ever Canadian” this year?

Which famous Scot wrote the poem “Dangerous Dan McGrew” while living in the Yukon?

John Buchan was named Governor General of Canada in 1935. Name the writers most famous novel.

Which gymnast recorded a perfect 10 at the 1976 Olympics in Montreal?

Before they formed Steely Dan Donald Fagen and Walter Becker had a band called The Bad Rock Group. What famous actor/comedian was their drummer?

“…And I Promise Not To Set Fire To Anything”

I forgot to blog about this when it happened but things are “hotting up” (sorry) down my way in the Cathcart by-election, called of course because twisted firestarter Mike Watson resigned when he was done for willful fire-raising.

For anyone not familiar with the story, Lord Watson got a bit miffed after the Politician of the Year Awards a while back after an event organiser scolded him for being rude to staff while pished out of his tits. So he set fire to the hotel he was staying in. And then denied it for ages. And then admitted it when it emerged he’d been caught bang to rights on CCTV. Lord Watson ladies and gentlemen, give him a big hand!

Given that the Labour Party aren’t exactly popular right now what with the fuel prices, their daft crusade in Iraq and their general inability to do anything right, do you really think that Labour by-election candidate Charles Gordon needed to be launching his career off the back of Lord Backdraft?

Still he could always threaten to set fire to folk if they don’t vote for him I suppose.

Roastit Bubbly Jocks

Yesterday was Jo’s birthday, so lucky her I took her to Roastit Bubbly Jocks for dinner. I think we both agreed that it was fantastic. Situated in Partick it wasn’t far for us to go. A Bring Your Own Bottle I made sure to get stocked up on Tempranillo from the offie across the road.

Jo started off with the Scallops and I had the seafood platter, though we shared them both. The seafood platter was great, it could easily have done as the main course and to be honest was probably tastier than what was to follow.

For main Jo had duck and I had chicken supreme. They both went down well and we had some raspberry and strawberry styled desserts respectively.

It certainly has the Tom seal of approval, though it wasn’t cheap.

Chappelle Happier

Dave Chappelle says he’s happier now playing small comedy clubs than he was making his great sketch show Chappelle’s Show.

YOMG Promotion Campaign

The YOMG promotion drive is in full effect. With the help of Nicola I put posters up around some Merchant City establishments. All right, Nicola put posters up around some Merchant City establishments.

Below is a snap of one of the posters in the 13th Note's window. Below that is an indication that we really need to use better quality Blu Tac in future. Or indeed use actual Blu Tac as opposed to Pound Shop Super Tack.

We also managed a meal in Fat Cat too.