Cheery Bananas Gold: Franco

Since Cheery Bananas has recently achieved some critical acclaim, we’ve been talking about doing another one and there’s even the possibility of us writing some Cheery Bananas style stuff for a much bigger fanzine.

Anyway I thought that perhaps some folk might like to read again (or experience for the first time if they haven’t seen it already) some Cheery Bananas gold. (You could go and find all this on the web yourselves, but who are we kidding, right?) As such I’m going to start you off with The Diary of Franco McLaverty.

Franco was/is a washed up footballer. He had it all in his day but now his day is long gone he can’t understand why the good times have left him and he’ll try anything to get it back.

Although the basic idea was originally modelled on the public persona of Frank McAvennie the driving force behind the character’s idiocy is much closer to that of Paul Gascoigne.

This first diary was written, I think, in early 1999. It was the first writing I had done that had achieved some acclaim from other people. If you’re enjoying it I’ll publish the archives every day, if not I’ll make it weekly.

The Diary of Franco McLaverty - Washed Up Footballer Vol 1

Monday: It's tough being a celebrity know? I'm oot the night wi the new burd an that an aw night we wur hounded by they tabloid newspapers. Every time I turn up for a film premiere or the unveiling of a new kind of biscuit, I've goat they whit de ye call them Pappiossio photie guys roon aboot us. They're ay shoutin 'Haw Franco get yer burd tae geez a flash o her paps. I'm only too happy tae oblige. 'She's goat beautiful paps,' I says but afore ye know it, its aw ower the papers . 'Franco's spotted wi the biggest pair o Tits since he played in a 3 man Celtic attack in the mid 80s.' It's no funny likes. I'm a respectable businessman. I've goat a nice wee Massage Parlour an Sauna oot in Easterhoose. The guid bit. It diz a nice wee bit o business. Respectable nat.

Tuesday: The night I'm oan the telly. Fitba oan Channel Five. Aston Villa ur playin in Europe. The presenter guy's aw posh nat. He diz ma heed in. Gie it a bye I tell him. The other two boys oan the panel wur sound. Big Worthy who played fur Spurs an yon black boay canny mind his name. I hud some no bad bits o patter. The Producer thought I wis sound. There wis a no bad lookin wee researcher bird floatin aboot an I goat her nummer. I might no huv the flair in front o the six yerd boax any mair but whin I git in range o they wee hairy boax I canny fail tae score.

Wednesday: f***in bang oot o order that's whit it wis! Bang oot o order I'm tellin ye. I goat Jailed! Jailed! Tin pailed. Ye believe it? I wis bevvyin aw day wi Chazza. He's ma guid mucker by the way. Ye ken whit it's like when we get thegither. Swallyin Champagne an snortin the auld white pooder. I tried tae sign fur a club in Columbia wan time, jist as the career wis rollercoastin tae its end know? Ma agent thought I wis aff ma heed. That's whit I'm goin there fur I telt him. Anyroads me an Chazza ur at this fancy restaurant an we're gien it big licks by the way. Anyway it's aboot seven o cloack an I'm right in the mood fur hittin a club an findin some fit young Manto. Anyway wan o the exs comes in. She sees me an huz a berky. She's flingin grub at us an everythin. Chazza's tryin tae calm her doon, but she jist nuts him. It wis quite funny actually. Then hur man comes in an huz a go at me. Aye well I slapped him wi an ashtray when he wisnae lookin. Afore ye know it the bizzies huv arrived an me an Chazza ur off doon the Copshop. I'm only glad they Pappawhitsit boays wurnae aboot. They let us oot eftir being aw patronisin an that. No a guid night oot. Chazza hud the guid suit pure ruined.

Thursday: Oan the telly again the night. Oan that Sky daein a 'Match o their Day' thing. I picked the gemme where I scored two against the Huns. I'd nipped this wee scrubber in the Bridgeton bar the night afore. Didnae huv a scooby where I wis whin I woke up. Jist made it tae the grun in time fur kick aff. They were aw 'Whit dae ye remember aboot the gemme?' I wis like, 'I telt yeez. I scored twa against the Huns…nipped this wee burd.' I mean whit is it they want aff ye? I mind whin I wis in Belgium fur a World Cup Qualifier. Whit a laugh Chazza an me hud. We flushed the Gaffer's daft dossier oan they Belgium jokers doon the lavvy. Aye he wisnae laughin. We goat humped five-wan. Come tae think o it, that wis ma last gemme fur Scoatlin.

Friday: The weekend is here an if the week so far huz been a laugh then the weekend is odds oan tae be a pure hoot. I fly up tae Glesca the day. I nip intae The Gentle Touch. I wanted tae call it Boots an Studs seein as how I'm wis a fitba player an that. They widnae let us. I set up the business wi Scotty the physio when I wis wi the Saints. It gies the auld boay an interest.

I'm meetin this film producer boay in Princes Square tae chat aboot a film o ma life. They're talkin aboot getting yon Ewan McGregor boay tae star as me. I'm aw fur jist playin masel. The guy's aw pure showbiz. I cannae stick him the fanny. I want the best lookin burds possible in it I tells him. I only nipped the best. I think they're gonnie git that Boabby Carlyle tae play Chazza. No a bad bit o castin. The boay says that he's no happy wi the idea o me playin masel. I'm no bothered but cos I'll be writin the script.

I'm meetin a couple o boays that I used tae sweep the roads wi the night. Huv a few beers, see whit burds ur aboot, bit o a laugh and that. They take us tae a place called Gentz. I wis like, 'Whit is this a toilet or somethin?' Turns oot it's a poof's pub! Benders an that. I mean I've nothin against them like, but I'm no huvin this. The Evenin Times would huv a field day if they foon oot. It turns oot that auld Ronnie, that worked the roads wi he's turned poofter. I says tae him, 'Ronnie, I've nothin against poofters like an if you want tae be wan that's up tae you but dinnae you ever speak tae me ever again.' I've goat a reputation tae maintain.
Eftir that I couldnae face goin oot an tryin tae nip a burd. I jist goes back tae the hotel an sticks some low quality porn oan.

Saturday: I'm aff tae the fitba in eftirnin. Director's boax, they've no forgot aboot Franco at Sellik Park. Everybidy's aw 'Awright Franco,' nat. I cannae believe the nick o yon foreign boay the Tic huv goat up front. He's pure mingin by the way. I could dae better whin I wis burlin. There's a few foreign boays in the team noo. No like in ma day. I'm surprised the Scoattish boays kin unnerstaun a single wurd they're sayin tae thum.
The Tic win wi that foreign boay missin hauf a dozen sitters unner the bar. I sees um in the Players Lounge an huz a quite wee wurd wi him. 'Ho!' I says tae him, 'Ho foreign boay! Hagar an that! You were loupin the day. Pure mingin.' The boay huz me flung oot. 'You dinnae ken who am ur!' I'm shoutin, but the security boays pap me oot oan the street. Pure beelin so I wiz. I tanned a motor an goat aff ma mark.
I headed straight fur Clatty's. I'll find masel a wee wench I thought. Some tidy bits o stuff in there I'll tell ye. Some o thum ur too young tae remember ma hat-trick against Arsenal in 84. I finds a wee madam though. Aw highlights an a wee fanny belt. Jist the stuff Franco likes. Back tae hur place wi hur wean screamin its heed aff in the next room.

I taxied it oot o there early doors come sun up.

Sunday: back doon tae London oan the Easyjet. I gets tae the hoose an wid ye believe it, I've only been robbed. The hoose turned right ower like. I checked ma medal collection. Scoattish Cup medal still there. 'I jist turned an hit it Archie, an it went in. It's a bonus really.' Cannae f***in believe it. Ma hoose tanned! Takin the telly widescreen joab an aw. Then a see the blank space where they should be. Naw. No. No the videos. No 'Franco's Ladies.' No ma collection o discreetly photographed sexual conquests. Naw! Naw! I'll get the scum.
I huv tae phone the Polis an they come roon eventually. I cannae really tell thum whit wis oan they tapes but they ken I'm anxious tae get them back.
I look at the pictures o masel wi that model burd I went oot wi and the picture o me an Chazza wi the Scoattish Cup. Both o them huv goat a willie an big pair o baws drawn ower ma coupon. f***in scum I'll git them…