Cheery Bananas Gold: Wages Day

Remember Tinsel Town? I sure do. It was an awful Scottish drama depicting the youth of today. It made me so incensed that I wrote a piss take of it called Wages Day. That became part of The Cheery Bananas Screenwriting Masterclass, which I present here as part of the Cheery Bananas Gold Season.

It's not quite in the right format, but I can't be bothered sorting out the layout.

The Cheery Bananas Screenwriting Masterclass

Part One: “Hard-Hitting” Social Drama

What is it about gritty social drama that rivets us to the screen? What has made shows like “This Life”, “Queer As Folk” and “Tinsel Town” the classics they so undoubtedly are? Is it the ultra-believable characters, the sensitive handling of important social issues, or maybe even the way these programmes oh so accurately reflect our own hurly -burly lives?

Maybe but there’s more to it than that. Using the original draft of BBC 2’s “Tinsel Town” as his example, our crack screenwriting expert Stanislav Cocoon demonstrates that all you need to do to write a successful “hard-hitting” Drama is to follow a few simple rules.

FADE IN

INT. HOUSE WHEN BOY'S PARENTS ARE OUT -- NIGHT

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE enters room.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
Huw you! Have you goat me they f***in' eccies?

CHARLIE, a wee drug dealing ned, looks up from sorting out a line of coke on the clear glass coffee table.

CHARLIE
Aye, I f***in' goat thum. I said I wid din't ah?

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
That's awright then.

CHARLIE
Aye, it is.

Pumping music is playing, say maybe LEFTFIELD or MOBY or whatever happens to be 'cool'. A SEXY BURD enters.

SEXY BURD
Awright you two? Charlie, did you score us that Lou Reed an' they Ecto's fur the night?

CHARLIE
Aye, I did. Nae bother doll.

MUSCULAR NED enters
MUSCULAR NED
You awright darlin'?

He grabs SEXY BURD'S behind and fondles.

SEXY BURD
I'm awright noo that you're here lover.

They winch.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
Haw, you two leave it oot man, yer pittin' us aff ma dinner.

She points to the lines of cocaine on the table.

MUSCULAR NED
Way-hey nice f***in' wan.
(To Charlie)
You sort that f***in' **** out man?

CHARLIE
Aye, course I did.

MUSCULAR NED
You f***in' better huv.

CHARLIE
I said I did din't a?

MUSCULAR NED feels up SEXY BURD

MUSCULAR NED
You want tae huv a ride?

SEXY BURD
Naw, no' the noo. It'll be mair dramatic an' controversial if we dae it in the toilets at the club.

MUSCULAR NED
Nae bother darlin'. I pure love you.

They winch again, only this time with tongues...and that.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET -- NIGHT

GOOD JOB GUY walks along the street. He has a good job, one where folk would be shocked and appalled if they knew he was gay. A wean is doing something pure shady.

GOOD JOB GUY
Hey you! Wean! Stoap daein that,
it's respectable fowk like me that have
tae pay for your bad behaviour.

LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES GUY looks at him lovingly.

LASSIE WHO OBV. FANC. HIM
Just leave it man, we're nearly done oor shift.

GOOD JOB GUY
Aye.

LASSIE THAT OBV FANC HIM
You off oot the night?

GOOD JOB GUY
No sure, mibbie.

LASSIE THAT OBV. FANC HIM
Whit kind o' places dae you go at the weekend anyway?

GOOD JOB GUY
Oh, you know, the usual.

CUT TO:
INT. ABSOLUTELY THUMPING NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT

CHARLIE, SEXY BURD and MUSCULAR NED are sitting at a table. DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE is on the dance-floor giving it big licks to the 101 beats.

SEXY BURD
This is f***in' kickin' man!

CHARLIE
No hawf hen!

SEXY BURD
I feel like I just f***in' love everybidy!

CHARLIE
Aye, so dae ah. Pure love man!

MUSCULAR NED
You better no' be chattin' up ma burd there Charlie.

CHARLIE
Widnae dream o' it.

CHARLIE gets up and heads for the dance-floor. As he goes, he gives SEXY BURD a look like he knows she wants it. She licks her lips to indicate that she knows he knows she wants it too. The two of them both know they both want it.

MUSCULAR NED
I think it's time fur that shag noo, doll.

MUSCULAR NED sticks his tongue out. There is an 'eccie' on the tip. SEXY BURD licks it off and they winch again.
CUT TO:
INT. TOILET -- MOMENTS LATER

SEXY BURD has her tits out. MUSCULAR NED is getting stuck right into her. She is “loving it”. They make “sexy” noises.

MUSCULAR NED
I f***IN' LOVE YOU SEXY BURD!

SEXY BURD
AN I f***IN' LOVE YOU TAE MUSCULAR NED!

CUT TO:

INT. ABSOLUTELY THUMPING NIGHTCLUB -- MOMENTS LATER

The dance-floor is bouncing with young folk having a good time. They throw their arms in the air like young folk having a good time always do. GOOD JOB GUY stands by the bar. A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND HAS LEFT HER approaches him.

WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
Hey there big boy, ye wantin' a drink?

GOOD JOB GUY
No thanks, I'm obviously gay.

WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
Come oan I'll buy ye a drink. Ma husband huz left us so
I'm crackin' ontae the first available guy that I meet.
I'll mair than likely get raped or violently
assaulted cuz ah’m so gantin' fur it.

GOOD JOB GUY
Aye, awright I'll have a non-brand beer.

WOMAN WHO’S HUS. LEFT
Great stuff! I'll get ma hole noo.

CUT TO:

INT. DJ DECKS OF CLUB -- CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE stands with LESBIAN LASSIE.

CHARLIE
Whit you so f***in' glum aboot?

LESBIAN LASSIE
Ach it's ma work I didnae meet ma targets
fur the week an' they're thinkin' o' cannin' ma ass.

CHARLIE
Whit ye worryin' aboot work fur hen?
This is wages day, this is when we aw
forget aboot work an' just enjoy oorselves.

CHARLIE gives her an 'eccie' to cheer her up, as all drug dealers are good natured souls at heart.

LESBIAN LASSIE
Thanks man. You're right by the way.

CHARLIE
Ah know ah um.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
I'm aff ma f***in' nut so ah um!

Suddenly, SHELLSUIT GUY appears.

SHELLSUIT GUY
Hey Charlie, you sold me some duff eccies last week.

CHARLIE loses the rag. He grabs SHELLSUIT GUY'S collar.

CHARLIE
You dinnae talk tae me like that, 'cos if you dae I'll show ye how hard ah um.

SHELLSUIT GUY has peed his pants.

SHELLSUIT GUY
Ah'm sorry man.

CHARLIE
Aye, jist as weal.

CHARLIE wanders back over to LESBIAN LASSIE.

CHARLIE
Nae problems eh?

CUT TO:

INT. CHILL OUT AREA OF CLUB -- LATER

SEXY BURD and MUSCULAR NED have fallen out.

SEXY BURD
You ur a f***in' wank.

MUSCULAR NED
f*** you hen!

SEXY BURD
You couldnae f*** me.

MUSCULAR NED
Aye I kin, an' I'll dae it again.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
I'm aff ma f***in' tits man.

SEXY BURD
Get tae f*** oot ma face Muscular Ned.

MUSCULAR NED
You dinnae mean that.

SEXY BURD
Aye I f***in' dae.

MUSCULAR NED starts to greet a wee bit, then realises where he is and straightens up.

MUSCULAR NED
f*** you then!

He storms off.

CUT TO:

INT. DANCEFLOOR -- CONTINUOUS

GOOD JOB GUY is dancing with YOUNG GAY GUY.

YOUNG GAY GUY
I thought you and that auld wuman were an item.

GOOD JOB GUY
Nah, you saved me. I thought I might have tae podger her.

YOUNG GAY GUY
Ah, ha, ha, ha.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE bounces past.

DAFT WEE SCHEMIE LASSIE
I'm pure oot ma nut man.

GOOD JOB GUY
You sure you've old enough tae be in here?

YOUNG GAY GUY
You worried I'll get you in trouble?

GOOD JOB GUY
Naw.

They winch, only slower and sexier than when the straight folk did it, because this is far more controversial.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM -- MORNING

YOUNG GAY GUY looks lovingly at GOOD JOB GUY. He gets out of bed, showing a flash of his bum, maybe.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- MORNING

GOOD JOB GUY brings in two cups of coffee.

YOUNG GAY GUY
Thanks.

He strokes his hand as he accepts the cup. The door bell rings. GOOD JOB GUY suddenly fears for his socially acceptable future. He goes to answer it. THE LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES HIM stands there.

LASSIE THAT OBV FANC HIM
Hiya, you ready for work?

GOOD JOB GUY
Eh, aye. Come on in.

She follows him into the living room. When she spots YOUNG GAY GUY her face drops, fearing that he is a bender.


Eh...this is my cousin, eh, Johnny. He's just leaving.

GOOD JOB GUY ushers YOUNG GAY GUY towards the door.

YOUNG GAY GUY
Can I not get your phone...

GOOD JOB GUY pushes him out into the doorway.

GOOD JOB GUY
Nice tae see ye Johnny. Tell Auntie Reenie I'll be round at Christmas.

He shuts the door over. THE LASSIE THAT OBVIOUSLY FANCIES HIM has a smile on her face satisfied that he does indeed like the muff.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

YOUNG GAY GUY looks like he's about to greet.

END OF EPISODE ONE.

So, to re-cap, in order to write a hard-hitting social drama, you will need:
1) Pumping Dance.
2) “Eccies”.
3) Burds, preferably burds who want it.
4) Tough Neds.
5) At least one conflicted Homosexual.
6) No f*****g clue.
Got it? Then get cracking!