Continuing our weekday feature where we revisit classic Cheery Bananas stories. Today it's the turn of our own consumer forum - Vigil Hound.Where do you go when your consumer rights have been infringed? Well, thanks to a culture that rewards people for whining like children every time something doesn’t go their way, loads of places including Vigil Hound, our new consumer forum.
Rip-off On Our Back Streets.
It’s been hard day, there’s nothing on the Tele and the thought of trying to get your wife “up for a bit” fills your yawning soul full of palpable dread. So what do you do? Well, if you’re one of the thousands of British men who use tarts, you may be shocked to hear some of the horror stories sent to us by angry whore mongers from all over the country.
“I caught VD from a prostitute I rode in a side street in Glasgow,” writes E. Lewis from Helensburgh.
“When I contacted her about my medical expenses I was stunned to find that she had no insurance cover of any sort. When I confronted her personally, I was warned off by the girl and a gaggle of her unclean cronies with dirty syringes and threats of being injected with “The Virus”…
T. Stretham from Blackpool tells a similar tale:
“I paid the “Silk and Sophistication” Agency £300.00 to provide me with an escort to accompany me to an important business engagement. What I got was a grubby teenager high on crack who referred to me as “Daddy” as she half-heartedly grabbed at my crotch right in front of my business associates. After her track marks began to weep during dinner I asked her to leave and refused payment. Since then I have found my car broken into and my upholstery defecated upon several times and I do not believe the two sets of circumstances are unrelated.”
“When I agreed to pay £50.00 for sex with a girl recently, I was assured I would be taken to heaven and back,” Writes B. Farnsworth.
“Instead I was taken round the back of “What Everyone Wants” where I was invited to “cook up” for the girl while she played lottery scratch cards. When I refused she began blowing on a whistle until a man she referred to as “Big Eddie” arrived. After being beaten and robbed I contacted the police and was amazed to find they considered me the criminal. Has the whole world gone crazy?”
Another bug bear with our readers has been the outlandish and oft-unfounded claims made by producers of supposedly “hardcore” pornographic videos which, more often than not, turn out to be nothing but soft-core rubbish. Is it flagrant false advertising? We decided to find out…
“I recently purchased a copy of the “Linsay Dawn McKenzie Live Sex Video”, hoping to see my favourite big tit star at last get the beasting she so richly deserves.” Writes G.W Bush.
“The cover “Guaranteed” hard live action, oral and penetration. What I got was a film of her former boyfriend rubbing himself against her with his pants still on. I am utterly outraged.”
After viewing the film ourselves we had to agree. Despite several warnings on the cover about explicit sex and “…hard close-ups of Linsey having full sex with her well-endowed boyfriend.” the film was so tame it barely managed to produce a semi amongst our entire team.
We decided to contact the makers of the film, Liquid Gold Productions, to see what they had to say for themselves. After talking at length to founder and managing director “Hacksaw” Harry Shaw we were shocked to find him describing loyal customers as “…saddo’s who can barely get it up in the first place.”
We were also stunned to find that despite making genuine enquiries in good faith about his products Mr Shaw considered us to be “…messing with his bread and butter.” and has subsequently instructed several people in his employ to track us down and make us wish we had never been born.
As you will know, we at Vigil Hound will not be cowed by threats of this nature. However we will be out of action for a while as we were due to move offices anyway. In the meantime we want you, yes you, to join us in our Campaign Against False Advertising In Porn.
Simply copy and paste the letter at the bottom of the page and forward by e-mail by clicking here to your local Member of Parliament. We aim to encourage a debate in the House of Commons on this most important of issues. Remember a good, hard, satisfying wank is our birthright as Britons – please help us preserve it.
Vigil Hound Campaign Against False Advertising In Porn
Dear Local MP,
When you pay good money for hardcore action that’s exactly what you should get. Unfortunately, it’s not always the case. It has come to my attention that some soft-core rubbish is being passed off as the good stuff. I would like you to instigate a debate in Parliament with regard to this matter in the hope that such flagrant false advertising is eventually made unlawful.
May I thank you in advance for your co-operation.
Signed:
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