The Inner Workings of Scotsport

So who watched Scotsport then? Here's the inside skinny. It's no better or no less of an amateur hour when you're in the thing than when you watch it on TV. There were a nice spread of sandwiches (I went for the prawn) and again I made more money than I ever have from stand-up. They certainly don't choose the people they have on for aesthetic reasons. Immediately I felt slimmer, better dressed and more handsome than I do in the regular world.

The studio is tiny. Well the studio is big, but the set is tiny. Fuck knows why they have that wee goal thing. The recording went 'smoothly' but that's because they're happy with presenters tripping over their words and guests mispronouncing names. Billy McNeil highlighted the big threat to Celtic on Wednesday being from some Milan striker called Sheblenko. I'm beginning to see why he got his cards as Celtic boss (not to mention Villa and Man City).

The comments sound even more inane in the flesh than they do on the box. It's a show that never says anything if it can't state the screamingly obvious. Andy Walker's assessment of Kris Boyd's 5 goals against Dundee United was that he'll be looking to score more goals but defenders will be marking him. And when he commented on Kenny Miller's similar feat a few years ago, all Andy could think of to say was that he was 'showing some promise around that time.' What time, Andy? The time he scored 5 goals in one game? Was he playing no' too bad round about then Andy? Thanks for being there for us all eh? Why don't you give us some fucking insight that we don't have? I think Fizzy proved that any layabout could go on that programme and talk about football, so surely the so called 'experts' could have something different from the norm to say. Imagine a programme about molecules where the panelists said nothing more than:

"A molecule is the smallest portion of a pure substance In chemistry, a compound is a substance formed from two or more elements, with a fixed ratio determining the composition."

"That's right the thing about molecules they are the smallest portion of a pure substance..."

Football is weird subject where in-depth knowledge is an unquantifiable property. Footballers as a breed tend to be not all that smart and football programmes on the whole tend to avoid controversy. All in all adding up to bland, uninspired comments all round.

Andy Walker has played at the highest level in this country yet can only think of things to say about football that a mother watching her wean in the park would say. And he's one of the more lucid ones. Even Hugh Keevins who has made his living from football and the English language for decades could offer little more than trite comments obvious to even the casual observer.

All the people on it were friendly enough, especially Sara O, I couldn't really tell you about the Julyan guy but Fizz could. Jim Delahunt is indeed dependent on the Autocue though.

As for the big man's appearance I think he'll be on later to let you all know his thoughts on how it went. I was just lucky I was up the back with all the ugly folk as I couldn't keep a straight face.