Tuesday 31 August 2004

Festival 2

On Monday, the last day of the festival, Jo and I went through. I would recommend going thru for the last day, as although a lot of the shows were finished, The Underbelly and the Pod Deco were dismantling their venues when we went past, for instance, there’s less competition for tickets for what is on and the streets and venues aren’t as packed.

We first of all saw Thom Pain (Based on Nothing) at the Pleasance, which had been a 5 star sell out show all Festival. And it turned out to be one of my highlights. A monologue in a tight studio theatre, delivered by James Urbaniak star of Henry Fool and the man who played Robert Crumb in American Splendor. He totally grabbed the audience by the balls, the interaction was better than most stand-up comedians. An audience member left and Urbaniak chased after him, commenting on his exit. We weren’t sure if it was scripted or not (it was) though what definitely wasn’t, was the Edinburgh native, who remarked ‘Ees left ees bag, as well.’

It was partly a comic performance that had us laughing out loud and sometimes giggling nervously as he developed an unnerving feeling within us all, repeatedly asking for volunteers and then going ‘no, skip it,’ until he did bring a terrified individual out onto the stage, where he stood for the remainder of the performance.

It was a premiere for the Festival and transfers to London this week. I was also pleased at being able to buy the text on the way out for a mere £2.50.

After that we moved onto The Assembly Rooms to see another critically acclaimed play, Fatboy, starring Mike McShane, best known here for Who’s Line is it Anyway.

Although there was a strong central performance from McShane, neither Jo nor I really got it. We think it was supposed to be a satire on America’s selfish greed, or even on the greed and selfishness that is inherent in all of us. The reviews seem to bear this out, but it didn’t really stick with us during the show. There was a few laughs and it must have had the highest expletive ratio of anything in the Festival.

We had a nice finish to the festival though as we went to see Adam Hills and his Go You Big Red Fire Engine 2: Judgement Day. Jo was enthralled by how nice he came across as. His show was funny and fun.

A large chunk of his show centred around Disney and their refusal to allow disabled or terminally ill children to be photographed in Disneyland. As you may be aware Hills himself has an artificial foot. Apparently Disney don’t allow this because it would ‘shatter the magic of Dinseyland’ cos they wouldn’t want kids to be aware that Mickey Mouse’s Jesus like abilities to cure the afflicted have wore off. Last I knew children didn’t think that Donald Duck was a cancer specialist. As Hills himself notes, ‘what makes them think that disabled people’s greatest wish is not to be disabled?’

His laughter with a message made a nice end to the Festival for me.

Celebs spotted today were comedian Adam Bloom, Rob Brydon giving someone directions on the Royal Mile, from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest - Owen O’Neill, playwright Ian Heggie on the bus to Glasgow and Nancy Cartwright again. She was with her two kids and as they were going into a show, she shouted her son over. “All right!” he said as he stomped toward her, as he passed our table he rolled his eyes and exclaimed “Jesus!” Must be tough to raise kids when you’re Bart Simpson.

Weekend Festival 1

On Saturday I made another trip thru to the Edinburgh Festival. To begin with I went to see The Musical! I’ve gigged with one of the duo involved, so thought I’d go along. It proved to be a reasonably entertaining hour. They knew when to drop gags in and the audience I was in lapped it up.

From there I went to see a show called Durang Durang, by a London based theatre company Skullduggery. They performed 5 short plays by American playwright Christopher Durang. Since I had picked this totally at random, I was pleased to discover the acting was of a really high standard and the plays themselves were quirky, yet funny. It was all over too quickly though. I could have easily taken another half hour or so.

Later I saw Richard Herring and his 12 Tasks of Hercules Terrace. What he did was, to take the twelve tasks of Hercules and attempt to emulate them in a sufficiently comedic fashion. This was his 17th year or something at the festival and he knows how to put on a tight show. It was at the controversial Pod Deco venue and I must say I found it to be a pretty good place to watch comedy. I had been there hundreds of times in its former guise as the Odeon cinema and it makes a perfect multi theatre venue.

The big event though, was Doug Stanhope at The Tron. The venue was a basement bar, not a conventional Festival venue or even a proper comedy club. Stanhope constantly gets compared to Bill Hicks and it’s easy to see why, he covers a lot of the same topics, smoking, war, the American public being hoodwinked by their government and the media and he even has a bit about Reginald Denny.

But the difference I’m commenting on here is that Hicks was a career comedian. He wanted success and big audiences – on his own terms, but he wanted it. Stanhope couldn’t give a fuck. When Bill Hicks played Glasgow in the early 90s it was at the Pavilion. I really can’t see Doug Stanhope doing that sort of tour, though he could do if wanted to. But onto the show. The audience on our night was a drunken rabble, perhaps that’s what they were like on each night of the run but it was somewhat irritating. Ten to fifteen minutes were wasted on him taking a couple of hecklers with no point apart. Fuck knows why you want to go see a cutting edge comedian only to interrupt him by shouting out pointless words and phrases.

Nicola and I were in disagreement on the way home. I thought he was good but not as good as he could have been whereas she thought he was all right, but nowhere near as funny as she thought he would have been. Some of his material I’d heard before, like people complaining that he was drunk on stage “that’s like going to a titty-bar and complaining that your lap dancer is a communist…” but that didn’t make it any less funny. Of his other stuff, although he ‘shocks’ he generally has a fucking point his wife’s abortion illustrated that, in America anyway, you can have a botched service and no one does anything about it. “I’ll tell all of my friends not to come to your abortion clinic.”

His intended use of his Mother as a suicide bomber was another highlight for me. Though he was only going to use her in order to satisfy his own petty squabbles with society, like not being able to get a breakfast muffin after 11am. I’ll definitely go back and see him should he play again, but I think with his lifestyle and career outlook, he’ll always be funny, but it’ll only be on the very rare occasions that he’ll pull off the real 5 star performances he’s obviously capable of.

Celebrity spotting for today Brendon Burns got out of a taxi just where I was eating my lunch. “Drop me where there’s a fat guy sitting on a wall eating a sandwich” I also saw funny ladies Rhona Cameron and Jenny Eclair.

A Good Day for Manchester Prossies

Lover of whores Wayne Rooney is set to be off to Manchester United today. After Alan Smith another badge kisser and professed lover of his former side, don’t Man United seem like the sexy big lass at school who lures boys away from their girlfriends, as soon as they’ve declared their love for them, just because she can? ‘I love you because I didn’t realise the big darling would have me.’

Good luck to Everton, if I was a Toffee I would be glad to see the back of Rooney. In the long run, what’s he done for the club? He’s not hit 30 goals a season, he’s not got them to the Cup Final, nor the Champion’s League, never scored the winner against Barcelona. He’s won a few league games for them, including one against Arsenal a couple of years ago. Big deal, eh? What he has done is secure them upwards of 22 million quid, he’s become a business commodity rather than a footballer. Fans don’t reminisce about how much money a player went for, kids don’t put posters on their wall of big money deals.

Here’s his Everton stats

League
Games: 67 (27 as a sub) Goals: 15 Yellow cards: 16 Red cards: 1

FA Cup
Games: 4 Goals: 0 Yellow cards: 2 Red cards: 0

League Cup
Games: 6 (2) Goals: 2 Yellow cards: 1 Red cards: 0

Total
Games: 77
Goals: 17
Yellows: 19
Reds: 1

So more bookings than goals then. Like I say, Evertonians should be waving him off.

Obviously I hope he fails to kick his own arse as a United player and helps them into that much coveted third spot in the Premiership.

A League of Our Own

Another week in The Iomartership and Ronnie is still clinging to his lead on 92 points. With Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink posting 24 points up front and Ledley King at Spurs providing a further 18, he’s looking hard to displace.

In second 6 points behind, is the league’s First Lady, Nicola’s CSFPG FC. Erik Edman has proved a winning signing for her, bringing him in to replace Sol Campbell as she did and her midfield engine room of Lampard and Ljungberg have pulled in 45 points between them.

Neltic FC are a further two points behind, benefiting greatly from Kevin Kuranyi’s weekend hat-trick for Stuttgart. And who would have thought the Birmingham keeper would have brought in 10 points already thus far.

What’s happened to Keith? Has he been overcome by those gas fumes he thinks he smells? As he is 23 points off the pace on 69, despite being the joint leader at one stage last week. With Mourinhio and St James’ Park bringing home the bacon he’s looking to the sidelines and not the pitch for his points.

Lokomtiv Sausages are breathing down his neck on 68 with a strong midfield and front line, but not much else.

2 points further back, it’s my Serenity Now. Jay-Jay Okocha and Alan Smith are the only lads doing the business. I was still losing points for Paul Sturrock, despite him no longer being the boss of Southampton. Perhaps he’s missed a couple of signing-ons down the brew. However a bleating e-mail from me, has resolved this issue and I’m back with the measly 3 points the dud will earn me all season.

Pre-tournament favourites Big Fanny Failures are in the second from bottom position. His manager and stadium have yet to come into play though so perhaps Fizzy may start climbing the table shortly.

Staring relegation in the face is Karen’s West Bam United, 43 points behind the von brauns, despite Kuranyi’s hat-trick. However with the Spanish league just kicking off and another fortnight until Serie A comes in, our league has hardly begun.

With an international weekend coming up, this is how things will stand for a couple of weeks. However the start of a new month brings with it new transfers and everyone should be keeping a keen eye on today's transfer deadline, to see if they have to make any team changes.

Wednesday 25 August 2004

Like Evil Fucker, Like Son

You may have noticed in the paper that Mark (son of Margaret) Thatcher has just been done for being behind an attempted coup in African backwater Equatorial Guinea.
So, a daft “Man Who Would Be King” meets “Wild Geese” attempt to loot an oil rich country, or an attempt to follow in his mother footsteps, following her successful tilt at ravaging an oil rich country, Britain, some 20 odd years ago?

Perrier Shortlist

The shortlist for the Perrier Award has been announced. The nominees are Chris Addison, Reginald D.Hunter, Epitaph, .Jackson's Way and Sarah Kendall.

The nominees for the best newcomer are Alun Cochrane, Will Hodgson, Joanna Neary and Sabotage.

The list finally features a female nominee, the first since Jenny Eclair famously won it in 1995. The chatter has been that if a lady was nominated she'd win.

It's the Big Shield in comedy terms and is now in its 24th year. It offers a £7,500 prize to a comedy cabaret act or stand-up comedian at the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

The winner will be announced at midnight on Saturday.

I'm interested obviously cos it's a big thing in comedic terms, but Perrier's parent company is those fuckers Nestle. I'm not big on refusing to buy stuff in order to support the Mongolian Teepee Workers or that, as soon as you start that there's no end to it, but I do refuse to buy any Nestle products. So, for the alternative awards, why don't you head over to The Bongo Club (which is like a cross between a youth club disco and Drexl's lair from True Romance) on Sunday night for The Tap Awards. On the site you can go to a link to see what evil fuckers Nestle are, if you don't know already.

Festival Awards

Today the Perrier Award nominations are announced, I'll have them later, but for now The Guardian have presented their awards of the festival.

Demetri Martin walks off with Best Stand-Up and Best Joke.

An educational article for me, cos despite being someone who makes them up I never knew they were called homonyms.

Tuesday 24 August 2004

The League is Under Way

Fizzy's Fantasy Football League is now in its second week and things are beginning to take shape. Out in front is Ronnie and his Von Brauns 6 points clear of Keith's Do You Smell Gas? However, it's not all plain sailing for the bearded supremo. It seems that an administrative error on the part of the website running the league, has left him with ten players. Daniel Degano was priced erronouesly at £1M. He's been removed from the scoring and Ronnie is faced with the challenge of shuffling his side, but with a lack of funds, it's proving a difficult task. Dare he sacrifice his free scoring partnership of Baros and Jimmy Floyd?

Behind the Gas boys in third, is the league's highest placed lady, Nicola's curiously named CSFPG FC. With Erik Edman pulling in a debut 7 points and Lampard and Ljungberg firing in midfield, this side, that had no male help in its building, may be hard to dislodge from the top half of the table.

My Serenity Now lads are in fourth and I've made a move in the transfer market. Ex-Rangers firebrand Genaro Gattuso makes way for the Green and Gold of Liverpool's Aussie, Harry Kewell. With me having to wait until Serie A starts before my entire defence starts scoring points, the full force of Serenity Now has yet to be realised. However my cause hasn't been helped by the removal of my Manager one Paul Sturrock, meaning that I can't score any managerial points for the rest of the season.

The mysterious Neltic FC slot in behind me on 33 points with Djibril Cisse doing the business up front and Mellberg cleaning up at the back and sticking one in the net.

Another lady is in sixth position, with Karen's West Bam United and her Fulham flavoured recipe posting no negative points, despite having a couple of Crystal Palace players and a West Brommer in her ranks. Again though, there's an Italian mix and from Spain, Real Madrid's Zidane, and with those leagues yet to start WBU should soon be climbing the table.

Lokomotiv Sausages are in the second from last slot, but David has shipped his big liability Mark Schwarzer out, having sold 7 goals in two games, so perhaps the holes have been filled. With Jay-Jay Okocha in midfield there's sure to be more points coming.

Propping up the table on 16 points 31 adrift of the leader is pre tournament favourite and Double Euro 2004 Fantasy League winner Fizzy and his aptly named Big Fanny Failures. Like Sausages he survived a scare at the weekend when Barry Ferguson was booked twice though failed to be sent off. Had that happened he'd have been looking at the loss of 6 points. That could prove vital come the season's end. With a few players on minus points the Fanny Failures will be hoping that Serie A and La Liga's kick offs will help lift them off the bottom.

Early days all told and remember it's a marathon not a sprint, and a marathon you have to finish, not pack in when you think you're going to get beat.

Monday 23 August 2004

Edinburgh's 50 Best Jokes

The Independent have listed Edinburgh's 50 Best Jokes, some are good, some so-so and some not funny at all. The one that made me laugh out loud was Scott Cappuro's.

The Comedy of Hate

I've put a link to this Festival review on cos I've gigged with both acts mentioned, not that either one of the fuckers would know. What amused me was how inscensed and offended the reviewer was by the support act. When I played with him, I thought he was quite funny, though it was a one note act and I dunno how it would sustain for longer than 10 minutes. I also noted that it was something that would play well only in Glasgow or at a push Edinburgh. At the Festival of course you're playing not just to a local crowd, but to an international audience.

The Movies

At the weekend I also saw a couple of films. I saw The Village and The Bourne Supremacy. They were both really good, earning 3 solid Tom Stars each.

I guessed The Village's twist with about 40 minutes to go, but that's not to say it wasn't quite a clever one. There's a couple of good bits of misdirection, including within the casting.

The Bourne Supremacy was pretty much as expected, a solid thriller that gets in about the action early on. Director Paul Greengrass has a nice touch for directing action. The fight scenes come across as more realistic than in your regular Hollywood picture. There's fights, car chases, double cross, quick witted spies, it feels very much a Cold War era thriller, with lots of running around in Moscow, Berlin and numerous other cities.

I'll be back at the flicks throughout the week. Stay tuned for more halfbaked reviews. For more and better film reviews get over to Ting.

Another Festival Visit

So the Edinburgh Festival again. On Friday night I went through to see the mercurial stand-up Daniel Kitson (his website incidentally is rubbish). A crazy night was had by all. Beforehand we went to The Barony Bar with Anna and Fiona in order to help Fiona celebrate her last day at Scottish Gas.

As for the show itself, I found it to be absolutely hysterical. He's one of the few guys who can go on stage and shoot the breeze, while being consistently funny. That's not to say that he didn’t have any scripted material, he just made it all sound that he was coming up with it all on the spot. There's too many bits to list where I was to be found pishing myself laughing. I do remember laughing heartily when he took the pish out of Nicola, for being daft enough to shout out. The guy next to us had bellowed something incoherently. When he wouldn't repeat it, Nicola weighed in with a more readily accessible translation.
"Are you his interpreter?" Kitson stuttered, "First I get an indecipherable drunken rant, then there's this RP voice."

Rather than the usual one hour Festival show, the hirsute Yorkshireman played for more than an hour and a half. He described his last minute "Fuck I have to be somewhere," dash to the venue and then claimed that his fellow comedians, taking time and care over their performances were "Pussies working for The Man...or some may say that they were professionals with a modicum of respect for their audience, but I think my point is made."

In his early shows Kitson's material centred often around his stutter, and while his audience now knows all about it, he can still command a lot of laughs on just that speech disorder.
"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-re you j-j-j-j-j-j-just laughing at my s-s-s-s-tutter?"

The scripted material centred around his broken love affair, "It broke down due to the distance and her proclivity for occasionally sleeping with other men," his inability to dance and his dislike for people in general.

All in all a cracking gig that had me in tears of laughter.

As for celeb spotting, this time I saw Ewen Bremner on Princes Street, comedian Milton Jones as he arrived for his gig at The Stand and walking along the street together, Miles Jupp from TV's Balamory and star of flop sitcom The Savages and a Crunchie advert Marcus Brigstocke. Nicola also insisted that we saw Andy Gray, Chancer from TV's oft-forgotten City Lights.

I also won tickets to see Brendon Burns though couldn't go.

Friday 20 August 2004

So Farewell Then, Ben

It's Ben's last day here. He's off to Canada to attend The University of British Columbia, though we still have a night out with him next week.

Since he's been here he has become a Rangers fan, had burgalars rubbish his CD collection, sampled the Scottish Divorcee, threatened a Glasgow bouncer with the words 'I will make you eat shit off my shoe,' experienced lazy muggers, became accustomed to being woken up at 3am by steaming women from Ibrox screaming at the top of their drunken lungs, been ripped off by a rock star beggar, narrowly lost the Euro 2004 Fantasy League to Fizzy (and had it rubbed in his face), clued us in on New Zealand sporting achievements and inherited my DVD copy of Super Troopers.

See ye Ben - It's been 'sweet.'

The All Blogs

I was having a chat with Ronnie over at 160676 about the various names of New Zealand's sporting teams. Ben is the guy for this subject. As many of you know the NZ rugby side are known as The All Blacks. Apparently this name originates from a Somerset printers' error in 1905.

Most of the other NZ sporting sides take their names after the famous All Blacks. The football team are called The All Whites. For the ladies, the rugby side are known as The Black Ferns and the football team Swanz.

Onto the more amusing names now. Having recently shocked the basketball world by defeating the world champions Serbia & Montenegro, the NZ basketball side rejoice in the monkier The Tall Blacks and in the Paralympics, the New Zealand Wheelchair rugby side go by the name of The Wheel Blacks.

Here's what Ben has to say on the subject.

Have been discussing with Tom over recent weeks the names given to New Zealand national sports teams. Something that, to me isn't that weird. Mainly because I have grown up not knowing otherwise. I have a list here below, out of the ones I know. I'll add more if I can think of them. Not sure what to think of it all, in a sense, its kinda silly, but its also a good way to unify NZ's national teams.

Sport 'Nickname'
Rugby: Men’s Allblacks
Rugby: Women’s Black Ferns
Netball: Silver Ferns
Soccer: Men’s Allwhites
Basketball: Men’s Tall Blacks
Basketball: Women’s Tall Ferns
Cricket: Men’s Black Caps
Cricket: Women’s White Ferns
Softball: Men’s Black Sox
Wheel Chair Rugby Wheel Blacks
Hockey: Women’s Black Sticks
Soccer: Women’s SWANZ (?)
Ice Hockey: Ice Sticks
Softball: Women’s White Sox

One Way Ticket

After listening to Scotland being outclassed at home by a team ranked 77th in the world (15 places below us), I, like many, decided time was up for Berti Vogts.
The Daily Record have even gone to the lengths of purchasing the Scotland manager a one way ticket back to Germany, a gag that would have been much funnier had it not already been done, by a Dutch newspaper to Dick Advoccat during Euro 2004.
Having had a couple of days to reflect, I feel that just sacking Berti would be wrong.
Due to changes at our work, myself and Tom currently find ourselves in a situation where our total incompetence is just being gradually uncovered. You may have noticed we haven’t been blogging as much. Are we being sacked? No, we are being re-trained and given more work to do and that’s what I think should happen to Berti.
Since he clearly has no idea what he is doing, he should be made to “buddy up” with someone who’s recently won something.
My suggestion? Martin O’Neil.
Berti would either learn that winning touch from the man who revived Celtic’s fortunes or he would act as he has done for Scotland, as a Jonah, bringing nothing but misfortune and disaster. Which would suit me either way.

Thursday 19 August 2004

Fat Guy Must Go

I joined one of the many slimming clubs around, last night, as I think it's maybe time I took control of my ever expanding frame. Perhaps I should document my progress with photos etc here. I probably will, if it all goes well.

Wednesday 18 August 2004

Just a Moment

A moment with Doug Stanhope.

Strach's Fest

Nicola wanted people to share their Festival experiences here, so far no one has obliged. However here is an odd summary of time spent at the Festival by Gordon Strachan.

Tuesday 17 August 2004

More Kitson

For those of us going to see him this weekend, here's a review of a preview show Daniel Kitson did for the Festival, in Manchester.

"His Right Foot is Webbed..."

In case you want more, here's an interview with Demetri Martin from today's Independent.

Fest Blog

I spent a day at the Edinburgh Festival on Sunday. The first thing Nicola and I went to see was a phoned-in piece of rubbish from Radio 4 called The Storyman. This is how it was billed "With his vivid imagination and a stage full of actors in his head, Andrew Clover leads his special guest as they improvise a strange but magical story, invariably reaching a surprising end for his guest and the audience alike." This is what it actually was. Some smarmy guy interviewed Tony Parsons and after about 15 minutes in, he ‘makes up’ a story, using his limited improvisational abilities. A really nauseating exercise and a beautiful example of how BBC is happy to churn out a cheap, flimsy idea in order to bolster its ‘comedy’ schedule. It was only 45 minutes but felt about 2 hours long. We couldn’t wait to get out of the room.

The second thing we saw was Nancy Cartwright – My Life as a 10 Year Old Boy. In the bar of the Assembly Rooms where the show was, there was a sale of framed cells from The Simpsons. We spent the best part of an hour looking at them, so much so that the guy from the gallery (second from the right in the picture on the site) took 15 minutes explaining the various types of cells and even took an unframed one from the back in order to show us the layers that go into the making of a frame of The Simpsons.

The show starts with a montage of Simpsons clips, it was kind of weird watching The Simpsons in a packed auditorium, but we did all howl with laughter. Once the show itself got going, we were treated to the voices of Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz and Ralph Wiggum right in front of us. She appeared however, to be unaware that The Simpsons has never been shown as a proper series here. We can’t base our schedules round the Halloween episodes of The Simpsons even if we wanted to, cos we’ve no idea when they’re on. We’re treated to daily random episodes on cable and stochastically scheduled random episodes on terrestrial television. She perhaps should have been aware of her feat of selling out a decent sized venue at 15 quid plus a ticket night after night for a show that’s never been in a regular slot for 90% of TV viewers for the majority of its run here.

Nicola said to me afterwards that she felt the show was rather self indulgent and it does amble along a bit with no real direction, other than really to entertain herself. But then again it is a one woman show. There’s no real insight and no juicy gossip. She’s very complimentary about everyone that she works with, and that’s just it, she still works with them. If this was a show done after the end of the show, then perhaps it may have been a bit more meat on it. If you love The Simpsons you’ll enjoy this show. And you do get to hear Bart Simpson say the words ‘mother-fucking cocksucker…’

After that we went to see Demetri Martin last year’s Perrier Award winner. It was the first night of his show and therefore termed a ‘preview.’ He was really good. Nicola had never heard of him before and she loved him. It was more a long funny story, than a series of jokes, though it seems that most festival shows have to be themed around something. He’s quite surreal (his show was about him being trapped inside his spiral notebook) and very clever. He flowed constantly for the whole hour and made me laugh out loud several times. Cat People, the computer game Super Busy Hospital 2 and “fat anyway,” were some of the highlights. Go see him if you can.

He also uses a lot of music in the background, which is something I know Nicola always likes in her comedians. He did apologise at the end for not being as good as he thought he should have been, but he was pretty good. We were lucky to get in to see him at the last minute as technically the show was sold out.

As for celeb spotting, it was a day thin on the ground, we spotted renowned gay comedian Scott Capurro and American comic Todd Barry. We also saw Nancy Cartwright before and after her show, though that doesn’t really count.

To end my evening, a girl at the bus stop in Glasgow got onto me for wearing a walkman after dark, because it was ‘dangerous.’ I pointed out to her that it’s never been a problem so far, but she was having none of it. I like the idea though that you have to be super sensitive to who’s ready to jump you from behind everywhere you go. Actually wearing a personal stereo probably stops me from getting into fights cos I tend to ignore the numerous people who want to pester me in the street much easier that way, therefore having less chance of succumbing to my underlying rage. A case in point being the guy on the bus who got on about 3 stops from mine, with an out of date day ticket. He kept waving it at the driver pointing out that it was ‘a day ticket,’ oblivious to the driver’s comments that, yes it was, but not for THIS day. The fanny then decided to walk straight to me, to see if I’d pay his fare for him. I wouldn’t. Nor would the other two passengers on the bus. He then seemed to think that the driver would understand that he’d obviously drank every last penny he had and was therefore entitled to free public transport. He didn’t.

Blogger Update

There was no blogs yesterday, cos apparently Blogger were updating their program, not that they let you know or anything. Anyway, the nice new feature they've added is, just at the top of the screen. You can now search this site for any previous articles, which is handy.

Who's The Wanker In The Black?

Well, Scotsport didn't disappoint last night did it?
Another fine example of how to fill a football show with stuff other than football.
Archie McPherson still sees to be in the huff, but well done to Bill Leckie for trying to wear on of those fashionable streaked mullets, despite being about 60.
No whistle run down this week but we did manage a jaw droppingly awful mascot race, narrated in "hilarious" fashion by that Julian tit, who's only function on the show seems to be to make Jim Delahunt look less of a dribbling goon.
Someone wants to tell that guy he's not funny before he makes a fool of himself. Opps, too late.
And then there's that mad wee lassie they've brought in. Her idea not to wear a bra? Probably not, but any sexual charge I got from her permanently protruding nipples was fully counteracted by her habit of smiling insanely even while talking, as if she'd fallen victim to The Joker or some kind of palsy.
Best of all though was Jim himself, who was wearing a black referee style shirt with what appeared to be a large square of old curtain sewn onto it. Having been reminded never to dress in the dark, it occurred to me that there's nothing like an aging old tool trying to be fashionable.
And of course, still hardly any football, but at least this week it wasn't treated as incidental to the banal chatter about Alex Rae's European ban, which Rangers fans described as "harsh" and Celtic fans described as "fair".
Stirring, controversial stuff.

Friday 13 August 2004

Pulitzer

When I was out last night Jackie (an occasional 'Pish visitor) mentioned she wasn't sure exactly what The Pulitzer Prize involved. I promised her some research on it, and here I deliver.

The Pulitzer Prize is a United States literary award given out each April. Recipients of the award are chosen by an independent board and officially administered by the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism in the United States. The prize was established by Joseph Pulitzer, a Hungarian-American journalist and newspaper publisher in the late 19th century. The very first Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on June 4, 1917.

For the full gen on it here is the Wikipedia entry and trawl the archives on the offcial site.

Shit Or Get Off The Pot

I never thought that the American (sorry coalition) invasion of Iraq could find a new way to annoy me but it has.

As any of you who follow the news will know, a major offensive was launched by American troops yesterday on the city of Najaf, a radical Shia stronghold where anti invasion militia have been engaging in a bit of boxing with the Yanks.
The idea was to neutralise these guys and regain control of the city, but they have now pulled back having wounded a leading cleric (fearful that his death or capture may spark more violence) and because they don't want to damage the holy Iman Ali shrine in case it causes yet more people to go apeshit.

To me, this is the whole mess in microcosm. Having invaded Iraq and destroyed any chance of decent relations with it's population, they now don't know whether to crush opposition or tip-toe around it.
I said to Tom yesterday that the invasion reminded me of the treadmill a champion boxer has to go through. Having toppled Saddam, the Iraqi champion, the coalition now have to take on all comers. The way they are behaving now reminds me more of that scene in "Chopper" where Chop brutally stabs a guy in prison and then says "You alright mate? You alright?"

Anyone who ever made the point that we should never have been there in the first place has had it underlined and then some.

What it must be like for ordinary people in Iraq to have gone from the insanity of Saddam's regime to the Three Stooges slapstick of the coalition I have no idea, but one thing at least seems certain; it'll be a good while before their country is 100% idiot free.

Thursday 12 August 2004

No Joey for 4

Channel 4 have pulled out of the bidding war for Friends spin-off 'Joey.' The front-runners are now Five.

"Um...I Have a New Bit About...Uh...Fags?"

Here's an exclusive interview with Doug Stanhope from Media Underground.

The Sand Pebbles

Ever wished that there was a band who wrote scripts for Neighbours, jammed with David Koresh and performed 13 minute rock epics? Then meet The Sand Pebbles.

More from the Fest

Here's a review of Daniel Kitson at The Stand.

I'll just answer Anonymous's question here. Daniel Kitson first played the Edinburgh Festival in 2001, where he forced me to say the word 'cock' to a pretty woman at the ticket desk in the Pleasance, by asking for my tickets for his show 'Love, Innocence and the Word Cock.' His one hour of self depreciating stuff about his stutter, his bullying by two young boys around his Crystal Palace home and the press's declaration that 'he admits to being a card carrying pedophile' "Er...no I didn't...you’ve misquoted me…and endangered my life…and I don't think pedophiles carry cards...'I'm in the union,'" had me in stitches. I have a badge somewhere with the word 'innocence' on it, or maybe it's the word 'cock.'

That show saw him nominated for the Perrier award, a gong he won in 2002 with his show 'Something.' Last year he attempted to confound critics and put off the 'twats' his success attracted by staging 'A Made Up Story' which was as it sounds and not straight stand-up at all. This year he again is trying to fuck off people he doesn't like by playing at 11pm and opting to do his show at The Stand as opposed to one of the more traditional festival venues.

He's a very funny man that you may have noticed in both series of Phoenix Nights, playing DJ/Barman, Spencer ("Spencer for hire"). Though he's not proud of that and thinks that Peter Kay is also a twat.

Fraser once supported him, though Daniel Kitson didn't arrive until about 4 hours after Fraser had left the stage.

I would have loved to have seen him this year myself, but alas it would leave me with a late night journey back to Glasgow as I have nowhere to stay in Edinburgh.

Hope that's enough for you Anonymous, if not, here's Chortle's profile on him.

The Cost of the Fest

Here's an article on the high price of putting on your own Edinburgh Festival show.

"Beats a Denis Leary Comparison"

There's a Doug Stanhope interview in today's Scotsman.

Spartan

Time for another brief film review. I saw Spartan last night. I liked it, as it was typical David Mamet fare, that being double cross after double cross and shady characters cropping up and disappearing. If you've seen The Spanish Prisoner or Heist then you'll get the idea.

Like most folk I'm not a big fan of Val Kilmer, but I found him to be bearable in this. Jo, on the other hand wasn't so keen. The point she made, that I had to agree with, was that some of the dialogue was pretty bad. What makes that odd is that Mamet is a heavyweight in the theatre and stuff like the Pulitzer Prize winning Glengarry Glen Ross is what great dialogue writing is all about. But Spartan really didn't have any of that.

Grace: Nice knife.
Scott: Yeah. Got it off an East German fella.
Grace: He give it to ya for a gift?
Scott: No. As I recall, he was... rather reluctant to part with it.

David Mamet writes an occasional column for The Guardian and I do try to read it, but generally, a paragraph or two in, I'm lost and give up. I dunno if that says more about him or me.

The gunshots were loud enough to make Jo jump a good couple of inches in her seat and there were a nice couple of surprise moments. I have to enjoy any film that features a serious performance from This man.

Well Done Again Shelbourne

Another genuinely remarkable night for the Irish side.

Wednesday 11 August 2004

Am I Right Folks? Eh? Am I? Am I Right?

Fizz and I went to see my mate Esmond headline at The Stand last night. He was very good, but we both felt that a flat crowd didn't do him any favours. His T-Shirt generated a few laughs on its own.

As the headliner you'd expect him to be better than the other acts on a new starts night, and of course he didn't let us down. As for the other folk on, there were a couple of them who had some good bits, however what I'm having a moan about is that coming onto a stage and just blethering for 5 minutes is not comedy. Without naming names don't walk in front of an audience and expect them to be happy listening to you talk without having a point or any direction to what you're saying. Don't expect to put no thought into what is coming out of your mouth and make a crowd laugh. And really don't have the nerve to look offended when no one takes to you. It seems to me that too many folk think that in order to be a stand-up comedian you just have to talk until you're flashed to come off stage. Only the very gifted can talk off the top of their head or about what happened to them that week and make it sound funny. Few people are very gifted in that regard, that's why they're termed 'very gifted' if everyone could do it, they'd just be the average.

Esmond is shortly off to Oban to do a gig with Bruce Morton.

The highlight of the night for me though was getting a whirl in Grant Cadger's Fanny Magnet.

Woody in London

My Woody Allen review of last week provoked a hotbed of fierce debate, well...But for Woody fans here is this really good piece on him from The Observer. I was interested to note that he is returning to the theatre later this year.

CSKA Moscow 2 Rangers 1

A poor performance from Rangers last night, against a equally poor team.

Rangers should turn this result round in a fortnight, but if they don't they will have to concede the fact that even a competent performance here in Moscow would have gained them a win.

This has to be as badly as Rangers play this season, otherwise they are in real trouble.

It amazes me that you can bring in a whole new defence and watch as they play with the same inexplicable nervousness as they did last season. To lose the goals that we did is very worrying. They were schoolboy goals, mistakes you would expect to see from an SFL side in a cup tie against vastly superior opposition, chances created not from skill but a lack of basic concentration.

But no-one keeps a clean sheet all the time. Rangers created practically nothing and are perhaps lucky to have scored. Novo's vital goal was created by the drive and endeavor of Dado Prso, the only Rangers attacker who looked like he had a clue.

Novo's touch too often let him down, Averladze looked lazy and hesitant and Peter Lovenkrands, at fault for both goals Rangers conceded, needs to take a long hard look at himself. It was a performance full of errors in both attack and defence, and also seemed to be lacking in commitment and concentration.
Rangers fans are quickly losing patience with the guy and I think many, including myself, would like to see one of the youth team promoted in his place if only to stop Lovenkrands from playing like a guy who knows he's going to start every week.

All in all, a result I would have taken before kick off but having watched Moscow offer nothing of any real quality, a disappointing result.

They should be there for the taking at Ibrox in a fortnight. Should Rangers fail to go through to the Champions League proper however, they will rue the fact that Moscow were there for the taking on their own patch.

Tuesday 10 August 2004

Scotsport SP Fucking Hell...

Jesus Christ, where to start?

Few of you will be old enough to remember the "by kids for kids" home made TV show of yesteryear "Why Don't You...?".

The guys who made the inaugural "Scotsport SPL" appear to however, judging by the pocket money style production values we were expected to sit through last night.

This was "Prisoner of Cell Block H" as a football show, and I was held an unfortunate captive for over an hour, before being released feeling as if I'd encountered some kind of broadcasting Mr Big in the showers.

Forget that these "highlights" are being shown some 52 hours after the games are finished.

Forget that STV have failed to shell out for a package that even includes a featured game.
We all knew it wasn't going to be very good. But this was spoof territory. It was Scottish football Spinal Tap style.

Why for example, can't Archie McPherson sit with the other two pundits? Is he prone to breaking wind? Is Andy Walker fucking his wife? Has there been a falling out? Tell us. It's bound to be a hell of a lot more dramatic than the actual show.

Then there are the three presenters, a wee lassie there presumably because of the big tits, some knobend who's only in tele because he can speak Gaelic and Jim "auto-cue" Delahunt. Why? Why are there three of them? Is the idea that three incompetents together somehow makes up for a single person who knows what they are on about?

And what is it that's making them think that all Scottish football fans love pumping dance? If you're trying to manufacture a bit of excitement for your show, I would suggest maybe showing some football, rather than having a "fifty minutes of nothings blathering shite/ten minutes of football" format.

"So Graham, massive game for Rangers tomorrow..."

"Yes it is a massive game for Rangers..."

This an example of the rubbish spouting from one of the best sports journalists in the country.

Then there is the stuff that's really annoying - the inane "talking to the fans" bit - a straight lift from "The Premiership on Monday", who abandoned it because no-one was watching. The brain melting "goalie keepie uppie" contest and the topper, a five minute piece in which refs road tested whistles. Road tested fucking whistles. It was at that point I began to wonder if this was an Armando Ianuuci stitch up.

Of course they still found time to get at least one goalscorer's name wrong, ask Andy Walker the same question twice, have an interview with a player who no longer plays in Scotland and have Graham Speirs (badly) play us out with a bizarre Elton John medley(!).

And of course the bottom line is there was hardly any football. In fact the actual highlights were often treated as if they were getting in the way of all the big tits, the chat and the comedy whistle bits.

And we have to put up with this surreal pish all season.

As they used to sing in the "Why Don't You...?" theme song:

"Why don't you switch off the television set and go and do something less boring instead?"

I would be best advised to do just that, but I know I won't.

You just can't not look at a train wreck.

Monday 9 August 2004

Fantasy Football

Just a reminder for anyone who wants to join, to get their side registered for the Fantasy League. It's deadline day tomorrow. E-mail Fizz to get the password and league name. C'mon all you casual 'Pish readers, join in the fun. There's a prize for the winner.

Embra

The Edinburgh Festival has kicked off and although I doubt I'll see an awful lot, I am looking forward to what I have signed up for.

All being well next Sunday I'll see Bart Simpson herself Nancy Cartwright in her one woman show. Then at the end of the festival it's Talking Pish's favourite comedian Doug Stanhope who has a new DVD out called Deadbeat Hero. Included on the extra footage is "horrifying footage of my first few mullet-bearing months in comedy," should be worth the 20 dollars.

Things

Fizzy and I both bought a copy of Asking For Trouble's debut record. For five quid you get two 7" singles a fanzine and a mystery 'thing.' You can see what mystery thing we both got by looking at things. Neither of us have actually listened to the records yet though.

Friday 6 August 2004

Chris Morris

I thought I would do a wee blog about Chris Morris, since he hasn't been about for a while. Here's some of his greatest hits.

The Richard Geefe Diaries, where he had a weekly column in The Observer, pretending to be a journalist counting down the days until he commits suicide.

Morris and Armando Iannucci provide a post 9/11 special, again in The Observer. Six Months That Changed a Year, Terror's March Backwards, 9/11: George Bush's Day and What They Said.

A potted history by the BBC. His Wikpedia entry. A feature on his short film My Wrongs 8245-8249 & 117. A review of same.

The controversial July 2001 Brass Eye Special. Brass Eye on the BBC Comedy Guide.

An interview with him from The Guardian.

The Smokehammer an archived site where you can download some George Bush related video and audio. Some Blue Jam downloads.

An interview with him about Why Bother? his collaboration with Peter Cook.

An episode guide for 1994's , that word again, controversial Radio 1 programme, The Chris Morris Music Show.

Finally here's a complete Morris resource Glebe's Thrift Funnel.

Just Another Victim...

Remember my wee rant about the miner's strike the other week there? Here is a sad story that kind of underlines my point.

Cheery Bananas

Some of you may remember the heady days of Cheery Bananas, our "hilarious" fake news magazine that we used to do. Well, we're doing it again and have created a new site for it. Please have a ganders at it here. The new issue will be out August 21st, with 32 pages of vitriolic nonsense for a mere 2 quid. Give me a shout here if you want one and do have a look at the site.

Seinfeld on DVD

The eagerly waited, by us anyway, Seinfeld DVD is due for release on November 23. Two 4 disc volumes covering seasons 1, 2 and 3. Can't wait.

In the meantime here's some news that George Bush's re-election campaign could all hang on Seinfeld's popularity.

Thursday 5 August 2004

Triumph

Here's an interview with Robert Smigel creator of the hilarious Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Well Done Shelbourne

So, as most people expected, Rangers will play CSKA Moscow next Tuesday after the Russian side beat Neftchi 2-0 in their champs cup qualifier.
The first leg is live on the BBC at the stupid time of 5.00pm. I might have to feign food poisoning about half three to make sure I'm up the house in time for kick off.
Story of the night though was victory for Shelbourne, the Irish League side who broke a 13 match 11 year old losing home run in Europe to beat Hajduk Split of Croatia 2-0, a mammoth result by their standards.
They will now face Spanish Giants Deportivo La Coruna in the next round in a tie expected to net the part timers 400 grand. So good for them eh?

Wednesday 4 August 2004

Don't Kill the Black Dahlia Twice

It’s about time I used these pages to have a wee bleat about the forthcoming Black Dahlia movie. As James Ellroy’s classic may be my favourite ever book, naturally I welcome and look forward to a movie adaptation. And for a long time everything looked good. David Fincher was working on it, a director who would have been perfect.

The casting, with the notable exception of Scarlett Johansson, is just dreadful. Josh Hartnett and Mark Whalberg are wrong, wrong, wrong! Had I been casting I would have opted for Edward Norton with either Eric Bana or Aaron Eckhart.

I was horrified when I heard that De Palma would be directing. I do like some of his films, but he hasn’t made a good picture since Carlito’s Way in 1993. (A film I love incidentally) along with Carrie (1976), Blow Out (1981) and The Untouchables (1987) there’s not much more of his work to enjoy. And no, I’m not forgetting Scarface, much as I love Pacino, I happen to think it’s an overlong, overblown piece of nonsense.

Instead of the dark, meticulously lit, well cast thriller that Fincher would have provided we’re in for a dire sub-Hitchockian shock-flick with undoubtedly a 20 minute opening tracking shot. Can someone save this piece of literary brilliance, from becoming a straight to video piece of pish? Bonfire of the Vanities anyone?

For some information on the murder case go look at the Black Dahlia Solution or The Crime Library

Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver

I know everyone likes my infrequent round of movies, so here’s the latest one. Jo and I saw and enjoyed Anything Else last night. Fizzy had a rant some time ago about the media’s perception of the Woodster and no doubt I’ll follow it up here. Anything Else is a solid little comedy, containing as many laughs as your average Austin Powers movie, which is to say not laugh a minute, but a few chuckles along the way. Big difference being, something like Austin Powers gets lauded as benchmark comedy and Woody Allen is constantly derided and compared to his much finer earlier works.

The film has a fair number of terrific one-liners, one in particular being Allen’s Bordel telling Jason Biggs’s Falk of conjuring up a masturbatory threesome with Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren, “In fact I think it’s the first time, those two fine actresses have ever appeared in anything together.” Dobel on Falk’s girlfriend “The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.” I could go on…

Jason Biggs is in every scene and plays what would be perceived as the Woody role. Allen’s part itself is slightly different from his usual roles. Although playing a fledgling comedy writer, as he has in the past, he is also a former mental patient and a man struggling to cope with his rage and his obsession with firearms and assembling a ‘survival kit.’ I did think however that this part, played by someone like Jack Nicholson or Gene Hackman could have become something much bigger. Woody’s skills as an actor are limited and although perfectly fine onscreen a stronger actor could have made a lot more out of the part. Of course budgetary restraints would have made such a move difficult and Woody does like to appear in his pictures.

Ned Flanders “I like his films, but I don’t like that little nervous fella who’s always in ‘em.”

On the whole the reviews have been predictable. "sour and overlong romcom," (Daily Telegraph), "The puckish one-liners, the witty asides, the kvetching displays of neurosis - they appear as poor ghosts of the things we once loved," (The Independent). Quite why standard reviews always concentrate on his films from years ago, I’ll never know. No one does it with any other director. I never heard anyone say of Amistad, ‘wasn’t as good as Jaws,’ or of Minority Report, ‘it was all right, but doesn’t really compare with Schindler’s List.’ Maybe it’s cos Woody tends to do relationship movies and doesn’t vary the genre in which he works.

There are lots of directors whose best days are long behind them, but who don’t receive the same tired criticisms journalists and TV based movie review folk churn out for Woody. William Freidkin, John Woo, Brian De Palma (I’ll get to him later), Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas to name but a handful. Woody Allen has delivered another good wee comedy, that while not a touchstone in comedic terms, does the business in telling an amusing story with nicely drawn characters and lots of good gags. It gets 3 Tom stars out of 5. I look forward to his next picture and with catching up with the last two which received limited and no theatrical releases here.

Well, I can almost say I told you so...

If you check back a few weeks you will see this fud's name in my list of free transfer duds.
You'll recall I predicted at least one on the list would end up at Ibrox this closed season.
Thank The Lord he failed his medical or we would have been reading back page headlines about “The English Capucho” from the end of August onwards.

Monday 2 August 2004

Dear Fizzy and Tom, we regret to inform you..."

What are the BBC thinking?
At a recent briefing on a writing contest, we were told by various low level TV executives that the major stations were "crying out" for quality comedy to fill up their schedules.
You don't have to look hard to see why.
The vast majority of comedy produced in the UK is drivel, with the rest coming from the US.
What have you got? "Two pints..", "My Hero", "My Family" - with the obvious exception of "The Office" the BBC ain't exactly been pushing the envelope of late in terms of the sitcom.
Their coverage of stand up is even worse, for example their ultra lame stab at a "Saturday Night Live".
"The Floor Show", offering spots to people who are already making a mint out of stand up via their connections with The Stand Mafia, succeeded only in making Scottish stand up look cliched and amateurish.
And then we have, for some utterly inexplicable reason, half an hour of Jim Davidson every Friday night.
What does this guy have to do before he's bumped off the tele?
It really galls me when the stuff Tom and I submit to folk is send back to us with the advice that it's "too edgy" when this wife beating racist gets half an hour on the box every week. We're obviously not edgy enough.
I always thought battering women and spouting racist remarks was something you wanted to avoid rewarding someone for.
Following this logic, perhaps Jim should go back on the sauce, thus making a daily talk show in prime time almost inevitable.
The BBC ought to be utterly ashamed of themselves for giving this tube a show. There are literally thousands of funnier working comedians in the UK - the difference being that most of them don't pander to the vile Daily Express demographic the BBC are so shamelessly pursuing in this instance.

"...Who the Hell are You?"

The voice of Bart Simpson speaks.

Sunday 1 August 2004

Rangers Vs Spurs Photos

Some photos by Ben, from the Rangers versus Spurs friendly are up.

Lapsed Electronics

When I was in Edinburgh at the weekend, I met Drew who now runs his own music label Lapsed Electronics keeping the cassette form alive.

He sent me their debut release Wounded Knee's Fresh Wounds, which has now been deleted, back in April and I er...haven't listened to it yet. Why not visit Drew's site and buy something to make up for my lack of enthusiasm.