Friday 30 July 2004

I Like Braces Me Tommy

This website might be irrelevant to 99.99% of the web community, but this site is straight from the Why the Fuck? category.

Red Meat

Some of you may remember this from a few years back, but I just thought to look Red Meat up. Very dark, but very funny.

Hey Rube

Hunter S. Thompson tells Sean Penn that The President has cancelled the football season. Sean Penn goes mental.

Potential Banana Skin?

Rangers will play either Neftchi of Azerbaijan or CSKA Moscow of Russia in the third qualifying round of the "Champions and Their Rich Mates League".

Their second round first leg has already been played finishing 0-0 in Azerbaijan.

Rangers are away first on either the 10th 0r 11th Aug. with the second leg on the 24th or 25th.

Could have been much worse, although I can see the papers making a big daft fuss as usual about the travelling and the conditions, especially if Rangers have to travel to the no doubt "lawless" and "war-torn" former Soviet state of Azerbaijan.

Did Somebody Call For a Web-Slinger?

Continuing my infrequent movie reviews section, I saw Spider-Man 2 last night. It was really good, like pretty much all the reviews are saying. It combined the more sinister moments nicely with the blockbuster mentality. When Dr. Octopus first goes nuts, it's a genuinely evil scene.

What I'd like a bit more in the next film is a bit more Spider-Man. In the comics there was always a lot more quipping from the Web-Slinger, there was a lot more going on for Spider-Man as opposed to Peter Parker. This film almost feels like Peter Parker 2 for me. More Spidey in the next one please.

Thursday 29 July 2004

Pogo

Tom found a site today belonging to (semi) celebrated comics editor Mark Evanier which is pretty good.

It has links to stuff by the great comic book artist and creator Jack Kirby and Sergio Argones with whom he worked on the fabulous "Groo the Wanderer", a very funny piss take of "Conan the Barbarian".

Stand out for me though was the link to Pogo, a little known comic strip outside the US.
It was the creation of brilliant comic illustrator Walt Kelly, who worked for Disney before creating a comic strip that was tackling issues like racism and segregation as early as the mid-fifties.
It still reads well and looks terrific today, serving as a brilliant rebuttal to those who claim that comics are a stunted medium fit only for children.

Every Other Saturday...

Yes, the new guys looked good last night. My only worry is that the squad is paper thin throughout the entire team. If any of the new guys get injured or suspended which has to happen to at least one of them, we are looking at replacing them with the youth team - ah well, at least we should give Celtic a game this year.

Like Tom I was glad to hear the bigoted chanting of a very small minority roundly ignored by the majority of the crowd, and was also chuffed to hear the re-introduction of "Every Other Saturday", one of the few old bigotry free Rangers songs.

Of course, half the fun of going to Ibrox is the selection of malformed oddities you see. We are not a handsome bunch. My particular favorite was a old guy with an unkempt 70s feather cut and face on him like a cartoon dog from a "Fritz The Cat" strip.
He looked as if he'd sat down for Tam Forsyth's testimonial 25 years ago and just hadn't bothered going back up the road.
He also looked like he could have been in Creme Brulee - we were wondering where his "Voodoo Lady" might be. But you really would have to have seen him for yourself.

Another favorite was this big farmer looking dobber in front of us wearing a Croatia shirt who went utterly berserk every time a) a decision went against the Bears and b) everytime Robbie Keane got the ball.
It must be a lot of fun working beside that crimson faced nutcase:

" Wullie, I made ye a cup of tea..."

"Tea is it ya fucking pape bastart?!!?! I'll fucking "tea" ye ya cunt!!!" etc, etc.

Best of all though was the prick loudly abusing Robbie Keane and Stephen Carr (Rep. of Ireland internationals) with heavy emphasis on the swearing and the sectarian epaulets. Having noticed that there was a wee boy nearby, I turned to say something to him only to realise that he was in fact the wee boys father. He also sported one of those elaborate second prize mars bars, indicating that while he may not be the best when it comes to the old swedging, he's not adverse to a ruck if needs must.

All in all though an enjoyable night - we may even do it again...

The Glasgow Rangers The Teddy Bears

Fizz, Ben and I went to the Rangers vs Spurs game last night. It wasn't a great game, but for me anyway it was nice to get back to a match for the first time in ages.

The new look Rangers side looked pretty good, Novo in particular, but Prso, Boumsong and Rae also looked smart. Gregory Vignol, who played as a trialist also looked good.

As for the banter, I was pleased that the one guy who valiantly attempted to start a classic bigoted number, was ignored by most folk in the ground. Robbie Keane came in for expected stick, however the cheers and applause going round the ground when he picked up a serious injury was pretty vile.

The music for the pre-match and half-time entertainment seemed to be mainly rock. And 20 year old rock at that. Bon Jovi, Van Halen...

As for the journey home. A queue for the underground that was about a thousand folk long, then a bus journey listening to some fud loudly giving his opinions on the match. "The new boy Pearco [sic], was brilliant." Luckily he didn't ask me for my opinions of the game, but did chat with this kinda slow guy who was on the bus with his Dad.

After his Dad got off we got, "That yer auld man? Aye? Thought it was. You want a three skinner? Aye on the bus come on!" There then followed some negotiation over the purchase of a single can of beer. "Tell ye whit I'll dae fur ye....since yer a guid blue-nose...I'll gie ye a swig o' Buckie...Up and dooner mind." He then told the slow boy to phone him for the next Gers game. This was all in the space of about 3 minutes. The slow boy apparently needed to find work, couldn't sign on cos he'd been caught diddling. "I've been there, I know the script, I've been all round the track, know the brew gemme inside oot." The slow lad got off and he turned his attentions to the lass sitting next to him. "Whit's your name hen? Want a wee toke?"

Follow Follow we will follow Rangers...

I'll post some photos soon.

Tuesday 27 July 2004

Spell the Word...

This is a funny Kerry/Bush cartoon. It made me laugh anyway.

Fwyking Mirons

The illytyrite Twarts hoo wirk in hour sayles teem shood harve a luk heer.
I um sic two mi buck teef withe huving two deel withe idiets.

For Those About to Rock

Well done again to Andy, his band Lexxi have won the British heat of Battle of the Bands in London. He now goes on to Germany for Battle of the Bands International and then doubtless Outer Space for Battle of the Bands Solar System. He seems to be well on the path to rock 'n' roll stardom, I hope it comes for him soon, cos maybe then I can get back the two quid he owes me.

Monday 26 July 2004

Jimmy Jump

If like us you wondered about the daft fanny that invaded the pitch in the Euro 2004 Final, then wonder no more. I dunno about you, but I never read any stories about it afterwards. And I looked. There were some though.

Apparently he was protesting Luis Figo's 2000 transfer from Barcelona to Real Madrid. The guy's name is Jimmy Jump and he is famed for crazy stunts. Have a look at his website.

It's not the kind of thing the British media focus on, as it seems that they don't want to give these guys 'the publicity they seek.' Kind of why they turn their cameras away from pitch invaders here. Yet they're more than happy to put pish like Big Brother on 20 hours a day for 8 weeks and have garbage like Heat magazine on the newsstands, featuring page after page of wannabe famous cretins. Luckily the Portuguese director didn't have the same standards and thirstily captured the moment when a tit made loads of folk laugh. We want to see this kind of thing on the telly, some daftie making himself and some security guys look daft.

The Spoof

I happened upon this site while looking for something else and had forgotten all about its existence. It's The Spoof, so what's the deal with The Spoof, Tom you say? Well I wrote 3, maybe 4 articles for them, years ago. They were actually Cheery Bananas articles that Fizzy deemed 'too lowbrow' or something. Sorry, he's just corrected me, 'Not up to Cheery B snuff.' Anyroads if you want a look at them, here they are.

Old Firm to Join Rollerball League

Art Gallery Stunned by Installation Forgery

Bus Ticket Sweeps the Board in Degree Show

Teenager Admits Daft Stunt Not Influenced by TV

I don't think the acceptance of the stories means very much.

Fahrenheit $100,000,000 and Counting

Fahrenheit 9/11 has now hit the $100 Million mark.

"Well, We've Got the Competitive Spirit"

To support New York's bid for the 2012 Olympics, Jerry Seinfeld is appearing in some TV commercials. You can watch them here.

What the Hell Are You Starin' At?

Here's a feature from the Globe and Mail on Jason Alexander's new series, Listen Up. The show co-stars Malcolm Jamal-Warner, Theo from The Cosby Show.

An accomplished performer, Alexander still seems to be struggling to accept that he will always be remembered as George Costanza. Although I'll always see him as George, I can't be the only person that also knows him as Duckman.

Sunday 25 July 2004

Jerry Live

Here's a review of Jerry Seinfeld live in Cincinnati.

Photies

I've posted some photographs, if you want to look at them. I'll post more if and when I take any that other folk might be interested in. When you get there you'll see I've put some links on to proper photographers' websites and photo blogs.

If you're in any of the pictures and are horrified that people can see them, then too bad.

Thursday 22 July 2004

"Are you Ready For Some Soccerrrrr!?!"

For those of you seeking to fill the yawning chasm your life has become, I invite you to join my Fantasy League.

Email me for the league name and password if you fancy pretending to actually be someone.

Wednesday 21 July 2004

So, as I was Saying, Best Cop Show Ever?

Well done Tom for putting me to shame with his mammoth Michael Moore Blog, dwarfing my contribution for the day so far which was basically "Anyone watch the tele last night?".

Tom touched on a point that resonated with me though, and that was the change in Bush from ex drunk slacker President to Harry S. Trueman almost overnight.
 As you'll probably know, Bush spend a huge amount of time on the golf course before Sept. 11th, slacking off with five months holiday out of nine in office.  
Since then he's barely managed 9 holes and boy is he pissed off. Indeed, I am relably informed that had he not recieved "Kerplunk!" for Christmas this year, North Korea would already be swarming with US troops.

We at "...pish" can of course fully understand the (hopefully soon to be ex) President, loathe as we are to do an iota of work ourselves.

Fahrenheit 9/11 - The Tom View

I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 last night. It was pretty much as we had anticipated, no big surprises. I don't think it was as good as Bowling For Columbine and occasionally covered some of the same ground.

Like Bowling For Columbine it highlighted the culture of fear in America, something that has become more and more prevalent in Britain. Just like America we're being told practically daily that a 'terror attack' is on the way. Moore's film indicates that Americans were kept in constant fear in order that they blithely go along with any Bush led invasion plan. Fear is a big money maker and Fahrenheit 9/11 shows this, just as its Oscar winning predecessor did.

It raised some excellent points though and highlighted some very worrying things. It perhaps focused too much on making Bush look like a buffoon, not that difficult. It also sometimes seemed cartoonish and slightly flippant.

Good political satire like Hicks and Stanhope points out bullshit, explains why it is bullshit and does it in a funny way. Moore does this when he's attempting satire, though sometimes I felt that it wasn't hitting hard enough. However the movie does have some genuinely sad, affecting moments that drill the message home without ever resorting to the heavy handed tactics elsewhere in the picture. I'm thinking mainly of Lila Lipscomb, who lost a son in Iraq. Mrs. Lipscomb was exactly the type of 'patriot' that Bush is targeting. A woman who puts the stars and stripes out every day, who thought that all anti-war protesters were an affront to her family and their militaristic tradition. However since her son's death, she still puts the flag out, but knows that you can be a patriot and be against war. The scene where she goes to look at the White House, feeling that values she once held dear have been crushed, is particularly moving. There also comes a horrible moment when she's heckled by a passer-by for questioning the Government over the death of her son.

It was interesting to note the dichotomy between the pre 9/11 Bush and the Gung-Ho War President of its aftermath. Before the attack Bush seemed like a college student slacking off, spending more time in the sun than in class, forgetting what it was he had actually chosen to study. That doesn't seem familiar to the stern faced 'us or them' Bush we've come to know today.

Only recently it was announced that the 900th US soldier had been killed since the war began. What the film highlighted was the utter pointlessness of the war in Iraq and that soldiers who headed over there thinking they were doing something for a good and just cause were beginning to wonder why they were there at all. The thought that one man and his cronies cost thousands of people their lives, just to line their pockets or let them feel that they're at all worth a fuck is stomach churning.

As Doug Stanhope put it "GWB milked the raw cow-tit of 9/11 to legitimize himself as a leader."

At one point a simpering Bush has another half hearted attempt at convincing people that Saddam is a danger, citing the alleged assassination attempt on Bush Snr "He tried to kill my Dad."

Here's Bill Hicks "I knew Clinton was one of the boys when he bombed Iraq, killing six innocent people, in retaliation for the failed assassination attempt of George Bush. You know what should have happened? We should have assassinated Bush and said "that's how you do it towelheads, don't fuck with us". And then.............there would have been no loss of innocent life..."

It's not the best documentary ever made, it's not even the best documentary this year, (see Capturing the Friedmans for that title) but the subject matter affects a giant part of the planet, and that's why it resonates so.

One of the things we see is the peculiar trait of Americans, in that if you're against an American led war, then you're against America. Just like the Independent Thought Alarm that Miss Hoover keeps under her desk in The Simpsons. What Fahrenheit 9/11 shows is a number of people changing their minds on this score, though most have been directly affected by the lunacy of Bush and his pals.

Generally most people believe you don't go to war without good reason. The Second World War is still foremost in people's minds and the simplified basis of that conflict - good versus evil, remains most folk's criteria for any war. But this isn't a war to stop an evil empire hell bent on mass exterminations, forced labour and world domination. Iraq never were and never would have been a threat to America or Great Britain. Stanhope again - "Anybody too scared to start their car this morning in case Iraq might have been around?"

What Jo and I came away from the film discussing was why incompetence, gung-ho machismo and war mongering seems to be largely ignored. It's less than a week since The Butler Report indicated that Britain went to war on flimsy, at best, intelligence, and it's practically off the newspages already. Only that self serving hypocritical, reptilian cretin Michael Howard is still banging on about it. While I'm at it, Blair gets off lightly in Fahrenheit 9/11 because the documentary was made for an American audience. However even if the only thing Blair's involvement has done is to provide a handful of people a reason to vote for that odious man Howard, then he should resign right now.

At least America can vote for John Kerry, what's our alternative to Blair? Howard? Charles Kennedy? We can only hope for change from within the Labour Party and since Blair seems to dodge the bullet time and time again that'll be a long time coming.

I'd love some of our guys to have a proper go at Blair and his lot for their involvement in all this. Armando Ianucci's been away for too long. Mark Thomas? Of course I'm really wishing that Britain's finest satirist would get back in the saddle. Chris Morris is certainly no fan of Moore or Mark Thomas and knows how to employ subtlety to induce the reactions he needs as opposed to Moore's sledgehammer tactics.

Whatever you may think of him though, we need guys like Moore shouting about this kind of thing. I'm not saying he's 100% on the money, people with an agenda generally aren't, but if the lies and deceit from the people up on high that he shows in Fahrenheit 9/11 are even half of what he claims they are, then we all should be shouting about it.

The saying that Bush verbally gropes his way through at the end of the film should read. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Best Cop Show Ever?

Those of you not watching "The Shield" are missing out big style.

After a couple of potboiler episodes to start the new series off, last nights episode provided an explosion of violence and jaw-dropping drama.
While I'm sure the levels of violence in the show are going to draw some arguably justifiable criticism, it really is a masterclass in how to write and execute the kind of gripping character driven TV UK programme makers no longer seem capable of. It certainly beats the shit out of soft/hardcore pornathons like Big Brother any day of the week.
"Ohh, did Michelle and Stu have sex under that tableZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" etc.




Tuesday 20 July 2004

Elliott Smith's Uneasy Afterlife

I've put this on as a cut and paste as it's one of those register to read articles. It's a feature on the making of Elliot Smith's posthumous album.
 
Elliott Smith's Uneasy AfterlifeBy R J SMITH

Published: July 18, 2004

LOS ANGELES

IN a recording studio last month, Rob Schnapf, a bearded, baseball-capped producer, and Joanna Bolme, a black-haired indie rock bassist, were sitting around listening to the latest Elliott Smith song, called "Let's Get Lost." The voice pouring out of the speakers sounded familiar, conversational. It was the voice of a friend. Snapshots taped up around the room showed Smith in a lighthearted mood: making a silly face in one, eyes closed in another.
  As Mr. Schnapf, who worked with Smith in the 90's, and Ms. Bolme, who dated him for a while, know, Smith had a goofball sense of humor and a well of curiosity.

To his fans, however, he was better known for his sorrows. His reputation was built through songs about drug addiction, love and his uneasy connections to listeners fumbling with uneasy connections in their own lives. But it was cemented last Oct. 21, when Elliott Smith died of knife wounds to his chest, in his apartment in the Echo Park neighborhood in Los Angeles. He was 34.
In addition to a passionately devoted army of the shy, and a girlfriend, Jennifer Chiba, Smith left behind dozens of songs recorded in the last four years of his life and meant for a double CD titled "From a Basement on the Hill." Over the last few months, Mr. Schnapf and Ms. Bolme have sifted through some 45 hours of that music. Working together with Smith's family, they are mixing and mastering the material for release on Oct. 19.

That's just the latest tribute, commercial or otherwise, that has been undertaken since his death. Memorial concerts have been staged from Athens, Ohio, to Leeds, England. The indie rockers Sparta have recorded "Bombs and Us," a song about Smith. A New York-based journalist named Benjamin Nugent is writing "Elliott Smith and the Big Nothing," a biography slated for fall release. The classical pianist Christopher Riley, fresh from gussying up the music of Radiohead, is recording a CD of Smith's compositions. And some 10,000 fans have signed a petition to the Los Angeles City Council to turn a strip of public land into hallowed ground, à la Strawberry Fields in New York's Central Park. At the other end of the spectrum, some opportunistic vendors responded quickly to the news of Smith's death by spamming fans with ads for commemorative T-shirts.

Some of these posthumous offerings have been loving, others crass. But one way or another, Elliott Smith will sell a lot of merchandise this year.
USUALLY, when new music is tested out on studio speakers, the moment is pregnant with excitement. But listening to "From a Basement on the Hill," it just felt like a wake with great tunes.

"It'd be a lot easier if he'd be around to help us," Ms. Bolme said.
Mr. Schnapf added, "I was kind of hoping he'd show up."
As Smith sang, however, the sadness that flooded his five CD's swamped the room. "I'm burning every bridge I ever crossed," he sang, "to find some beautiful place to get lost." By the last line, two opposing things are true: Smith is dead, and Smith is here.
In the months since his death, a sadly familiar thing has happened, too. Smith has gotten the Baudelaire treatment, achieved a heightened status as a fallen martyr, the kind too sensitive to live. Perhaps that's inevitable, given the unusual role he occupied in the lives of his fans: His gentle, smart songs connected with people who felt shoved to the margins of their lives; now they are left to figure out how songs that made them feel saved did not save the man who sang them.

All of this posthumous scrutiny is something Smith would have loathed, as much as he loathed the starmaking juggernaut. Alive he fled the spotlight; now where's he going to run?

Loath to violate their friend's wishes, and aware of the intensity of this music and the meaning it has for Smith's fans, those working on "From a Basement on the Hill" seem a little spooked by the responsibility they've taken on.

"I have a very paternal, protective feeling," says Mr. Schnapf. "I didn't want anybody mucking it up."

Do they feel like they are protecting a legacy? "No," says Ms. Bolme. "It's not like he wrote a bunch of bad songs that need our help."

Mr. Schnapf thinks a moment, then answers differently. "In a sense, yeah. I'm just thinking I'm helping a buddy out. Trying to, anyway."

Lucrative trickles of outtakes and rejected songs have followed the deaths of artists like Tupac Shakur, who seems more prolific now than when he was alive, and Nick Drake, whose archivists just discovered a "lost" song that should probably have stayed that way. But Mr. Schnapf and Ms. Bolme say that "From a Basement on the Hill" is the end of the road.

"We want this to be the last living body of work," Mr. Schnapf says adamantly. "This is his last record."

It won't ultimately be Mr. Schnapf's decision, however. Smith's family has a lot more unreleased material, and they have made no such guarantees about their intentions.

Smith was underrated as a musician, but "Let's Get Lost," which will be the second track on the new CD, takes wing on his deft guitar picking. His debt to "Blackbird," the singer-songwriter John Hartford ("Gentle on My Mind") and Piedmont blues are all in place, as disarmingly friendly playing gives way to dark thoughts. There is a kind of California pop, the most famous kind, that is rich with ebullient harmonies and billboarded emotions. At the time of his death, Smith was exploring a sound he jokingly called "the California Frown," an inverse of Beach Boy optimism. Gloomy and intimate, the songs are Smith at his best, though there's also a strong hint of the confusion and instability that haunted his final days.

Putting the record together wasn't just emotionally hard; it was often tough to figure out Smith's musical intentions. In a 2003 interview in the fanzine Under the Radar, Smith described his concept: the CD would begin conventionally, with traditionally structured songs, but would start getting weird midway, until it ended in bouts of noise and distortion.

That's a fair description of his four years in Los Angeles. He arrived at the peak of his skills, but he was smoking crack, using heroin and haunting bars where he'd abruptly disappear if somebody recognized him. His last year was punctuated with bouts of paranoia and weirdness; friends found him more remote than ever, and not always capable of making sense. One police report described him wandering the streets draped in a blanket.

Months before he died, Smith checked into the Beverly Hills-based Neurotransmitter Restoration Center, which proffers an unorthodox technique for treating addiction. He claimed it was working, and no traces of narcotics were found in his system after his death. But something went horribly wrong.

What, exactly, occurred on his last night remains a subject of as much debate as the decline that preceded it. His death was reported in the press as a suicide. But a medical examiner's report released in January stated "the mode of death is undetermined at this time." Officially, the police are still investigating.

Poetically, at least, the case sits about perfectly right where it is now: the ambiguity, the lack of resolution among equally sad possibilities, are material right out of one of Smith's songs.
It's a wretched, unsatisfying kind of ending for his fans, which is probably why many reject it.
 
On a Web site about Smith's legacy, devotees have written in suggesting that Smith lives — they know it's so because he's come to them in dreams. Others have suggested that the psychic John Edward should be hired to contact the singer in heaven. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories flourish regarding the role of his girlfriend, Jennifer Chiba: Smith adored the Beatles, and his followers have obligingly cast her in the role of Yoko Ono, destroyer of their hero.

Those who knew him first-hand don't seem much clearer about why things ended as they did. At the studio where "From a Basement on the Hill" is being assembled, it's been the end of a long few weeks, well into the last night of work now, and the talk turns to Smith's last days and the effect Los Angeles had on them.

"Los Angeles didn't do anything to his songwriting," Ms. Bolme says. "He's still Elliott. I just knew a lot of people were wondering what was going on."
Staring into the distance, Mr. Schnapf adds: "I'm not going there. You can find trouble anywhere if you look hard enough." I ask them what working on this record means on a personal level. The idea that it's bringing closure to his life seems obvious — so obvious that it can't be true.
"No, it doesn't resolve anything," says Ms. Bolme. "The resolution is that it's unresolved."
Suddenly she starts crying and bolts from the room.
"Certainly any closure I get is not going to be from working on a record," says Mr. Schnapf. "You hear the music, and he's right here." 

RJ Smith is a senior editor of Los Angeles magazine.

When You're Dragged Against Your Will...

Here's some big news, Elliott Smith's posthumous album From a Basement on the Hill will be released on October the 19th. It's not a double as had been suggested but a single album of 15 tracks. I'm glad they appear to have dropped the 'Songs' from the title.

1. Coast to Coast
2. Let's Get Lost
3. Pretty (Ugly Before)
4. Don't Go Down
5. Strung Out Again
6. Fond Farewell
7. King's Crossing
8. Ostriches & Chirping
9. Twilight
10. A Passing Feeling
11. Last Hour
12. Shooting Star
13. Memory Lane
14. Little One
15. A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free

There's a review of the album at MTV.com.

"...until the studio is awash with spunk."

I have to admit that I've been watching a bit of BB of late. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's a crock and I would still like to see it binned forever but it is a fascinating window into the alarmingly low calibre of person that seems to be kicking around these days.
Victor's antics in the diary room last night were a scream:
 "I kick arse and I take names"
What is this buffoon on about? I'm surprised none of the psychologists monitoring the housemates have spotted the delusional fantasy world this tit lives in.
Best of all though is the up-to-now non-physical gay relationship between Victor and Jamie (Jason, whatever...), the imbecilic twat who has been bringing shame on Scotland since he stepped into the house wearing a thong and a dickie bow.
I suggest that the programme makers tell the house mates that they are switching the cameras off for an hour because of technical problems. When they put them back on five minutes later, I am convinced that pair will be sucking each other off like their cocks are made of chocolate. Or as Tom puts it; "...until the studio is awash with spunk".
Gotta love that Tom's way with words...



Low-Flow? I Don't Like the Sound of That

The following will only mean something if you could see Fizzy's flat hair. From The Shower Head, season 7, epsiode 16.

Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is flat.

Kramer: Jerry? Jerry!

Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.

Kramer: Wha, you too?

Jerry: Yeah!

Kramer: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.

Jerry: Me either.

Kramer: If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

Jerry: You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.

Kramer (leaving): Aw.

Jerry: Where are you going?

Kramer: I gotta find another shower.

Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door. Newman answers, with flat hair.

Kramer: They got you too?

Newman: This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!

Monday 19 July 2004

The Curious Similarities...

Ah, so now we know why there is anti social behaviour. Tony has cracked it. It's because of the permissive sixties. Of course, how stupid of us all not to see. Now when a wean pans in my window, I'll be contacting the estate of Janis Joplin for recompense.
Another unbelievable crock from Number 10, concocted by a Government who now press their luck as regards credibility as a matter of routine.
Anyone who wants a glipse at why there is a "yob culture" should have had a look at the brilliant ITV (yes, ITV) documentary "Real Life: Children of the Miners Strike" last night. Therein you would have seen people struggling to play the shitty hand life has dealt them with dignity and courage.  One such subject, a young "yob" who'd never had a hope in hell battled, sometimes manfully sometimes not, against 6 years of Heroin addiction. This kid is a victim of a war waged on the working classes of this country by Margret Thatcher, who, while decimating community after community throughout Britain in the 80's would demand that striking miners stop being "Moaning Minnies". I mean really, if you're from another planet you shouldn't really get to run a country in ours, you know?  
The victims of this war still litter our streets. You see them very day. Some look as if they've been in a war, having lost limbs to abscess and infections, from taking contaminated drugs - a tragedy not just because a clean, NHS controlled Heroin programme would have made all such injuries preventable and would in most cases have allowed addicts to lead relatively normal lives. But then you don't introduce programmes to help the enemy do you? Certainly not when you are in the process of crushing the life out of them.
Some people may say that it's a bit "old hat" to keep banging on about the miners strike. Maybe I'm just being a moaning minnie.
But, like those poor African kids you see in land mine documentaries, tens of thousands of kids in this country have grown up in the last 20 years without an earthly, the ground that should have sustained them metaphorically blown out from beneath their feet.
So don't tell me kids are bad because Mum and Dad had a few lovers, smoked some draw and listened to Hendrix. Especially when practically every one of these hypocritical bastards in Parliament got a class A education, enough money to party on and benefits during the holidays while at Uni -  all paid for by the forefathers of the working class families they are now attempting to demonise.
 
Of course there is an interesting subtext to all this. Tony Blair, as you will probably know, was in a god awful punk rock band, contributing the same big fat zero to music as he would eventually contribute to world of social inclusion.
The band, being about as much use as a dick on a frisbee, bombed and broke up leaving a wide eyed and determined wee powertripper scouting around for his next opportunity to get noticed. Unfortunately, he found it in politics, as Hitler did when he failed as a painter. Coincidence?  I'd love to think so...



Eagles of Death Metal

I was also asked yesterday about The Eagles of Death Metal. I knew nothing, but that link should tell you a lot more. You can also hear a song of theirs here at Stoner Rock.

Zach Braff

Zach Braff plays JD in the sitcom Scrubs. He is currently promoting Garden State, the film he wrote, directed and stars in. Here is his blog about the film.

The Evil in Mr Whippy

Nicola was being very inquisitive yesterday, in addition to the below, she also asked 'Pish to discover if it was true that Margaret Thatcher invented Mr Whippy ice-cream. Well, it is and it isn't. I couldn't find a proper link that explains it all, but information gleaned from various sources informs me of the following.

While working as an industrial chemist at J Lyons in Hammersmith in the 1940s, Thatcher was part of a chemical research team that discovered a method of doubling the amount of air in ice cream. Using a special kind of anti-freeze the process 'whipped' the fresh air in. This allowed manufacturers to use less of the actual ingredients thus saving money. The ice cream became very popular amongst consumers who preferred the light flavour, and most major ice cream brands now use this manufacturing process.

So ya see, you may have thought that Mr Whippy was a good thing, but much like every other change to society Thatcher made it was inherently evil.

"The kind people
Have a wonderful dream
Margaret On The Guillotine
Cause people like you
Make me feel so tired
When will you die?"

Superman Returns

According to this story X-Men director Bryan Singer will direct Superman Returns. The story states that his involvment will not kill X3 but could see it move forward with a different director. Comic book fans, any thoughts?


Glen and Les Charles

While watching Cheers yesterday, Nicola asked me to discover what has happened to creators Glen and Les Charles. In 2002 they received the Paddy Chayefsky Laurel Award for Television from the Writers Guild of America. They don't appear ro be doing much at the moment. Their last credit was for the 1999 film Pushing Tin.

Saturday 17 July 2004

How Much?

I had been thinking about going to see the temporarily reformed Lloyd Cole and the Commotions when they play the Barrowlands in October. However I discovered that the tickets are a whopping £25 plus booking fee! How much was Sinatra charging last time he played Scotland? That's a crazy price, to see a bunch of guys now in their mid 40s, some of whom aren't even musicians anymore? It's not like they've had big hits or a massive revival since they last played. They'll be playing to devotees of the band, people who bought Rattlesnakes the album they're reforming to commemorate. They split up in 1989 and aren't playing any of Lloyd Cole's solo stuff, so it's not even like they have two decades of material to draw on. When I saw them for the first time when they were a top forty act it was 7 quid including the booking fee. A few years ago maybe, but what's the justification for these massive ticket prices? The reformed Doors played the SECC recently and charged £32.50 a ticket. Fair enough the line up includes Ray Manzarek who was the real talent in the band, but I'm sure even he knows that the big draw for The Doors lies in a guy who's been dead for more than 30 years. Ian Astbury I'm sure is an able replacement, but what you've got essentially is a tribute act. It seems that nostalgia carries a heftier cover charge than contemporary entertainment.

Friday 16 July 2004

No Swoop For Blogging Ace, 35

I find myself in a bit of a weird position this morning - I'm sick of the gubbing Celtic are taking in the papers.
I'm no massive fan of Martin O'Neil (Overrated? Oh, just a bit...) but I am fed up with newspapers endlessly filling their pages with "Celtic swoop for..." rubbish just to replace it the next day with "Celtic miss out on..." nonsense when there was never a story there to begin with.
A recent case involving a Romanian international know as "...the new Beckham" (What does that mean?  He screws around and can't take a penalty kick?) had the papers saying he was practically signed despite the fact that Celtic had responded to the speculation by saying they hadn't actually heard of the player.
Speculation in the press about signings and possible transfers is fine, but it's gone nuts this (pre) season, with the Glasgow papers in particular filling their pages full of utter crap no other branch of journalism would get away with.
Anyone can write a lot of rubbish about a transfer that's got no basis in fact - why should these guys get 50 grand a year to do it? If you have no particular skill and no means of getting a genuine story, why should you get the fat cash?
Worse than contibuting nothing, these hacks are actually devaluing the game with their endless, inaccurate drivel.
Anyway, I'll need to jet off before I'm carpeted by the beaks - I'm liable to be blasted by my crack boss if the 37 year old ace catches me doing this instead of working and I'd hate to be unable to trouser my massive 10 grand a year paypoke.


New New Zealand Flag

We've not done anything New Zealand related for a while, so I thought you may be interested to know that New Zealanders are currently pushing for a new flag. The main argument seems to be that the current one represents their colonial past and that it is constantly confused with the Australian flag. I think they have a point on both counts.

Thursday 15 July 2004

Some Fizzy Artwork

The Butler Did It

For me, yesterdays Butler report represents the last straw, not for me and Blair or the "Labour" party, that relationship broke down many years ago, but with pretty much anything to do with faith in humanity, in the concept of integrity and the ideas I grew up with about individual responsibility.

A mealy mouthed exercise in semantics, the report acknowledges that the intelligence on which Blair based his case for war in Iraq was flawed but manages to blame no-one for it.
The fact is we have erroneously helped start a war in which thousands of innocent and horribly oppressed people have suffered and died.  According to Butler, this has occurred seemingly as a result of a series of madcap calamities more akin to the plot of a Marx Brothers movie than the usual mascinacions of Whitehall of the security services.
Blair believes that this second whitewash of his disastrous decision to go to war fully exonerates him and puts paid to questions about whether or not he acted in "good faith" by taking us to war.
Yeah, a couple of points on that:

1) Bullshit. You knew and didn't care, you liar.

2) It's a dumb defence anyway. If Blair wasn't sure, if the "intelligence" was in any way doubtful we shouldn't have been going to war. It's not the kind of decision you make and then hope you're hunch pays off. It's not an episode of Quincy. It's not a punt down the dog track. It's a war, and people actually die in wars. Their lives end and they never come back - the resentment lasts forever,  the damage is never repaired.
Even if we accept that Blair did make a "good faith" decision about going to war (and I don't for a second), that just means he's a Gung Ho idiot rather than a liar.
At best, Blair comes out of this looking like a gullible fool who will make decisions of global magnitude on the say so of some tube filling his ear full of cider. He now comes across as the type of person who will gleefully open his junk mail genuinely convinced that he's won a luxury yacht.
Michael Howard pointed out yesterday that if we ever have to go to war again under this Government, no-one will believe the evidence. A good point, but of course he and the rest of his pathetic party couldn't have been more behind Blair when the crucial decisions were being made. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, much like his idiot counterpart.

All this bares out a theory of mine which is that everyone is winging it and no-one really knows what they are doing. Even at the very top, we're all idiots floundering around in the dark.

But all that's not even the problem for me.

What kills me, what absolutely destroys my faith and makes me want to puke is that no-one will be a man and take the blame for this fiasco. No one will stand up, not Blair, not MI6, not Jack Straw or Geoff (Buff) Hoon.

The war on Iraq has been reduced to the level of an office dispute, where no one will take the blame for losing an invoice.

That we are being led by men and women who have allowed us to become party to Republican America's racist war of revenge on an innocent Arab people, that we are led by callow fools with no pride, no shame and no sense of responsibility, that's what really kills me.

Because what does that say about the rest of us?

Ronnie's Back

After problems with his hosting company Ronnie appears to be back on line. You can read his review of The Pixies.

Wednesday 14 July 2004

The Perils of Collaboration

Now this is a post that will hardly interest many within our meagre readership, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are two guys who did a sketch show in America called Mr Show which of course has never and will never air on British television, though you can buy it on DVD. They also wrote a movie called Run Ronnie Run. Here is a feature by Bob Odenkirk on how the movie ended up being "a lost fucked-up gem." The director that he talks about but doesn't name is Troy Miller.

And if that perks your interest here's an interview with a drunk David Cross.

Tuesday 13 July 2004

What's the Deal with Touring America?

Here's an article on Jerry Seinfeld's stand-up tour.

Wrestling with the Dark Side

There's an interview in today's Guardian with PJ Harvey.

Monday 12 July 2004

A Little Bit of Politics

It seems that those in the know in America are bracing themselves for another terrorist attack designed to disrupt the election. There are however plans to delay the election should there be an attack.

In some other American political news it appears that George W. Bush's military records have been inadvertently destroyed. Handy for George since it may have proved that he went AWOL from the Air National Guard.

Friday 9 July 2004

And then this tit wades in...

It seems that arch fud Sepp Blatter wants to join the growing band of know-nothing fannies who have something to say about the Craig Moore saga.

Absolutely the last one...oh, who am I kidding?

Copa America news and highlights on this great site for those of us without Sky TV who care that a massive football tournament is going on in Peru with no UK terrestrial TV coverage whatsoever. So none of you then...

Excelsior!

Having decided to spend at least some of the afternoon pissing around I have come across this fab site. Ever wanted to be a superhero?

Being Charlie Kaufman

I have been meaning to put a link on to this site for ages, so for no particular reason here it is, Being Charlie Kaufman. It's packed with everything and anything you'd want to know about screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. It also houses various drafts of his scripts including his sitcom pilot scripts such as Depressed Roomies.

Divine Intervention

We don't often...okay ever, post many games on this site, today however I am. Have you ever thought what you would do if there was an apocalypse and you were faced with hordes of zombies coming to kill you? Oh and you were a Priest? Well now with Divine Intervention you can find out.

"The Women of Africa CD was a Nightmare"

A few weeks ago I featured a couple of posts about the World-compilation label Putumayo. Here's a feature on how they are thriving in a downsizing music industry.

Thursday 8 July 2004

Ok, so this is the last one about footie for a while...

Following my rant about Craig Moore yesterday, it's nice to know that someone actually listens to me ...

Spider-Man in Lego

Here's a brilliant little film to watch. It's a Lego version of Spider-Man.

Wednesday 7 July 2004

"It's Just Like a Scrotum"

For anyone who heard about my nightmare of a gig at Govan's Pierce Institute back in February here's an interview with Frances Healy, the girl who beat me in the 'competition.'

Last one about footie for a while I promise...

I know this is of limited interest to the handful of people who read the pish, but I promise this will be the last for a while.

I have found myself annoyed not for the first time by Australia coach Frank Farina who has once again decided that he must have a moan about Rangers, despite the club agreeing to let captain (for now) Craig Moore miss vital Champions League qualifiers and several games at the start of the domestic season so he can play for Oz in the Olympics.
Farina reckons it's "disappointing" that Rangers are likely to strip Moore of the clubs captaincy and offload him for his disgraceful showing of disloyalty. But lets get a few things straight shall we?

Craig Moore was a nothing prospect when Walter Smith brought him to the club during our nine-in-a-row heyday. After a career that has seen him play well in patches but spend far more time on the treatment table, Alex McLeish recognised his long service record and made him captain last year after Amoruso and Ferguson left the club. Moore spend a disastrous season mainly injured, and unable to inspire when fit. Then in the closed season he began making noises about not signing a new contract until he saw what kind of players we were bringing in. Before long he was avidly touting himself for a move south. He should have been officially stripped of the captaincy then, but the club held back, accepting Moore's claims that he had been misconstrued in the press (that's a new one eh?). Now he wants to fuck off and play in some diddy under twenty one's contest that gets less coverage than showjumping dressage while the people who pay him and the fans who have backed him are left to hope we can win the most important games of the season without our symbolically most important player.
He quite simply can't come back from this. He should be sold and the sooner the better. He's a diddy half the time anyway.
And as for Farina, a nothing as a player and a manager who has achieved sod all despite having players like Viduka and Kewell, why is he still moaning? Rangers have agreed to do everything he's asked.
There's nothing like some fanny greeting and still arguing the toss after he's got his own way, but more than that, why is he poking his nose into business that doesn't concern him?
What has what Rangers do have to do with him? Would he allow his captain to piss all over team morale and get away with it? Take Moore Farina, and don't bring him back. Good luck in the Olympics. Meanwhile Rangers will be playing in matches that actually matter with a skipper that hopefully gives a toss about the club.

The Grudge

So horror then, last night I saw Ju On: The Grudge and it was pretty scary, Jo was scared at least. It employs a lot of the usual devices that make horror films scary. The 'she's behind you' moment, the bit where something or someone passes through the shot very quickly and the use of music and lighting to set the mood. It all kinda works, however it takes a while to be more than just a collection of people meeting The Grudge. Even when it settles down to a storyline it still didn't seem all that clear what was going on and the time structure seemed to go a bit weird toward the end. But worth a trip to the flicks if you like a good horror.

I've just read however that this film is a sequel, I knew there was a Ju On 2, but I had presumed that it followed this one. The sequence goes

Ju On (2000)
Ju On 2 (2000)
Ju On: The Grudge (2003)
Ju On: The Grudge 2 (2003)
The Grudge (2004)

All were made by Takashi Shimizu. The latter is set in America stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and is released in October.

Tuesday 6 July 2004

The Long Firm

In case I forget tomorrow, I'll tell you all now, set your videos tomorrow night for The Long Firm on BBC2 @ 9pm. It's a 4 part series based on the novel by Jake Arnott. It was a brilliant novel and I'm sure will be a great TV adaptation. I've been waiting for it for about 2 years.

It stars Mark Strong who was fantastic in Our Friends in the North.

If you want to know what a long firm is then look here.

Catnip? That's Not Mine

I know that this site has been used by at least one person to provide a cinema choice, so I thought I should keep posting whenever I visit the cinema. This one needs less promotion than The Cooler though, last night I saw Shrek 2. It's very funny, I wasn't really looking forward to it, but I did laugh out loud several times.

Some of the jokes I had seen or heard before though, like in The Simpsons or The Ben Stiller Show for example. Antonio Banderas or his catty character at least, was the stand out for me.

Tonight I'm going to see Ju-On The Grudge, which by all accounts is really scary. So I look forward to being frightened.

So-ddam Romantic

Check out this illuminating article about Saddam Hussein's interesting "second career" as a romantic novelist.

Stone Me!

Sick of players, managers and pundits bleeting on about the pressures of football in the press?

Monday 5 July 2004

Extras

Here's a nice article on DVD extras.

Respect is Due

Have a look at this great article about US comedy legend Rodney Dangerfield.

Sensation - It's Fizzy!

Despite calling every match bar one since the group stage incorrectly, I have somehow managed to win the Euro 2004 Fantasy League at work and the one we had going with Ronnie and his mates. So it's the double for me and I at last know what it feels like to be Tony Adams. And I don't just mean hungover, bemused and possessed of a faint sense of shame. That would be just another Monday.

Sensation - It's Greece!


Greek Triumph


The Winner

Saturday 3 July 2004

Obit Column

Another death I noticed this week that was noteworthy was that of Judge Richard May. He was the judge presiding over the Milosevic trial, I remember noticing his calm put downs to a ranting former Yugoslav President. He also stood against Thatcher in the 1979 General Election.

Friday 2 July 2004

Marlon Brando 1924-2004


"The only thing an actor owes his public is not to bore them."

Marlon Brando has died.

Thursday 1 July 2004

Marr-ing the Game

As the Nacho Novo transfer fiasco trundles on, you have to laugh at the clueless behaviour of the Marr brothers, the guys who have practically put Dundee Football Club out of business.
Having demanded a £500,000 fee for a player who can leave them for nothing next summer they now find themselves in the ridiculous position of trying to dictate where the guy goes to play his football.
With Celtic the only club prepared to stump up, it looked like Novo was on his way to paradise - except he'd rather go to Rangers, where he'd get bigger wages and a better chance of a first team game. Celtic withdrew their offer, a little peeved after that became obvious during talks this week.
Now, rather than take the 350 grand offered by the Bears, the Marrs reckon Novo himself should stump up the cash if he wants to leave.
Unfortunately they are trying to dictate terms in a business deal they have practically nothing to do with.
Their position is untenable and Dundee fans must be sick of these goons who have systematically ruined their club. Someone should tell the Marr's that bluffing requires you to know something everyone else doesn't. Unfortunately, it's common knowledge that Dundee are a box of teabags away from being a memory. Despite completing a period of administration, the club have creditors battering down the doors and cannot afford to let Novo go for nothing. The fact that they are even gambling on that scenario is outrageous.
Of course the Marr's are trying to make Rangers out as the bad guys, stealing their players and paying them well below what they are worth.

A couple of points on that score:

1) Without the tranfer fees generated by sales of players to the Old Firm, there would just be no cash in the Scottish game. Simple as that.
2) The Old Firm never asked anyone to get themselves into serious financial trouble by trying to compete with them. The Marr's have ruined Dundee, not Rangers.

Players decide where they want to go these days, not clubs. Perhaps someone should introduce the Marr brothers to a little piece of legislation know as The Bosman Ruling? Why act like it's twenty years ago? It isn't. You look daft.
And the thing that really annoys me? Rangers are being lectured on morality by a pair of tossers who have run their club into the ground, falsely built up the hopes of their fans and associated themselves with a shyster most famous for being mates with Arkan, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Oh aye, and Harold Shipman for good measure.

They should shut their fat ignorant cake holes and take the £350,000 (which actually amounts to the 500 grand they've been greeting on about because Rangers have agreed to pay all the add-ons associated with Novo's contract) they are being offered.
They won't of course, and will no doubt continue to be an embarrassment to Dundee fans and Scottish football in general until they are finally, and I hope unceremoniously, drummed out of the game.

It had to be you, and another 115 folk...

Here's a funny story about a guy who paid 15 grand to have dinner with Tony Bennett and got far less than he bargained for.