Friday 28 May 2004

Holiday

I was just thinking that there must be some sort of national holiday or event day practically every day of the year.

Today is Republic Day in Armenia and Memorial Day in Puerto Rico.

Little Things

I had to do a site this week for a company who sell radar equipment and speed camera detectors to motorists. What kind of mad fanny is buying this stuff? Who is speeding so frequently that they will get value from a purchase like this?
Do the irresponsible tits selling this stuff have equipment that helps you avoid prosecution when your habitual speeding leads you to kill someone?
My suggestion? Rather than turn your car into Norad, take you foot of the fucking gas man...

Why do Big Issue sellers always have to have the last word?

I've had it with some of the silly expressions I hear all the time. "Every dog has his day"? Who the fuck came up with that one? What do we know about dogs that makes us sure that is a valid statement? And when was the last time you truly saw "breathtaking scenery"? I've seen a lot of nice scenery certainly but I don't recall ever being left unable to breathe by a mountain.

What is the point of static caravans? Here is a product where the chief selling point is that it's supposed to be mobile. Why not just live in the fuselage of a disused aircraft? Who are these idiots? It's like buying a pair of shoes that are cemented to the ground.

Thursday 27 May 2004

The Ampys

Since everyone all over the world seems to love it so much, what about a "War Of The Year" contest?

You could have all sorts of great categories like
"Best Foreign Language War"
"Best War Featuring Child Soldiers"

and
"Best War Featuring Out Of Date US/Soviet Hardware".

Billy Crystal could host, the bloopers reel would be hilarious and the academy could feature war loving stalwarts like Olly North, Henry Kissinger and Tony Blair.

The trophy for "Best War" could be a golden child amputee (or "Ampy")smiling and hugging Uncle Sam, or maybe George Bush Jnr, thanking him for his shiny new crutches.

There are over 70 armed conflicts going on right now throughout the world. Which is your favorite?

Flim Springfield

It's about time we had, for no reason, a Simpsons quote so here it is.

"Wow! Look at that ad!
(a small box with "Flim Springfield" in it)
All right, this place must be hot. They don't need a big ad, or even correct spelling."

From Radioactive Man Episode 2F17.

For home movies using Simpsons figures this is an interesting site - Flim Springfield.

For the definitive guide to Simpsons sites go to Simpsons 100.

Dirk and Friends

If you have a holiday, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The Dirk Benedict Cruise.

Is Anybody Listening? Anybody?

So, our loyal reader(s) may be wondering how The Buff Club gig went for me. For those of you lucky enough not to be there it was another nightmare. I'm currently ticking the box in Tom's Comedy Rulebook that says 'Do Not Go On Immediately After a Band.'

The band in question Quinn were actually really good.

However by the time I took to the stage the chatter of the crowd was almost deafening, the 8 or so people who were actually listening seemed to enjoy me, though some others started paying attention when I berated them.

Despite the fact that I had to make my way through a velvet rope and had a balcony to look up to, I never really got the feeling I was in the big time.

Another comedy lesson learned. Thanks to Jo who came to experience the horror with me and made it just about bearable.

Cannon Fodder

I was having a conversation with a couple of colleagues the other day and I mentioned that in the States,moves are already being made to introduce a draft , effectively clearing the way for them to forcibly enlist their vast legions of trailer trash and stick them straight in the Iraqi front lines.
I suggested that this might be a good idea over here for our own multitudes of hat balancing ned scum which inspired a debate about whether or not a stint in the army would be character building for Scotland's tens of thousands of no use wee shitbags.
They missed my point, which was we send 10,000 of them out there and hopefully only get about 1000 back.
Lets see if Deek fae Royston reckons it's a "dull yin" when he comes home and finds it's much more difficult to intimidate shopkeepers and old folk with no arms or legs eh?

In fact here's a movie pitch for you:

"Deek pure canne believe it when he gets back from lamping Pakis in "Operation Secure Oil" only to find that now he's in a wheelchair no-one is "feart" from him anymore!
Not only that, but some people pure treat him like a cripple!
Sure, he still enjoys diddling the soash, but his injuries mean that he can no longer act hard outside shops, drive around in his wee litterbox Nova or father the thirty or so weans he had always hoped would steal Pink Floyd's entire back catalogue for him!
At breaking point, Deek decides to lead a band of rag tag ned veterans in a massive compensation claim against the Government."

I'm thinking of calling it "Born On The 12th Of July".


Tuesday 25 May 2004

Is there a problem officer?

Felling ill after a hard day? Then why no visit officer Mahoney's personal physician?

Please welcome to the stage...

Anyone who ever fancied having a go at the old stand-up comedy like what me and Tom have would do well to have a look at this. The essays are actually pretty crap but they get you thinking along the right lines.

Monday 24 May 2004

Tears and Snotters

Is anyone doing anything to mark the last episode of Friends?
I don't mean anyone in the world, just the people likely to be casting an eye over this particular post.
I will be a sad night, not least because the final episode of one of my favorite ever TV shows will be immediately followed by Big Brother, the pater familus of cack handed reality space filling.
I was thinking of going to one of the many pubs who are making a big thing of the end of Friends, but I have a slight problem with that. I will cry. Like a big lassie.
I was almost bubbling watching this weeks episode, partly because it was well below par, but mostly because I was thinking about how much I would cry this week.
So is anyone doing anything? I don't mind crying in front of any of you, but the idea of bawling like a child in a pub full of total strangers is a scary as the idea of doing nothing special at all.

Are You Ready to Laugh?

Anybody else ever went out to meet a bloke named Kozmik? As you may be able to see by the flyer (click on it for a larger image) I'm doing another one of my infrequent gigs. Seemingly yet again I'm playing by this theory that doing comedy is like being a war correspondent, in that you have to perform in all types of hostile situations. If anyone really has nothing better to do after the European Cup Final ten minutes of laughter from me is in store, along with a drag act, Mystic Martin a band called The Blimp and numerous other treats. In fact here's the running order. Can anyone think of a nickname for me that would fit in?

8:00 DJ Neil McMillan - Hi Karate

9:00 Kozmik Colin

9:20 Mystic Martin & His Lovely Assistant Deardrie

9:45 Dianne Torr - Mr EE

10:15 Quinn

10:45 Mystic Martin & His Lovely Assistant Deardrie

11:15 Tom Brogan

11:30 The Blimp

12:00 HRH DJ Queen Victoria

1:00 Lady Stash Collins

I'll let you know how it goes.

Sunday 23 May 2004

Alive? Dead? Dead? Alive?

Andy Kaufman alive or dead? I'd love to think he was alive and had came back from the dead, but just the fact that I had to go looking for news on his return tells me that it's not entirely convincing. The weblog isn't the most solid piece of confirmation either.

The idea that he's back from the dead is debunked thoroughly at Snopes.com . So Andy Kaufman hasn't come back to life after all, as a consolation wouldn't it be good if Jim Davidson would die?

Friday 21 May 2004

Ting

If you need a helping hand before you go to the movies, then perhaps you would like to look at Ting Reviews. Here you will find reviews of the latest films, just out at the pictures.

My favourite part of the site is ace reviewer Ronald van Braun who reviews only films that are on television.

Thursday 20 May 2004

That's How You Do Business, Jerry. Bi-zzz-ness


Jason Alexander

For readers of the previous post concerning the forthcoming Seinfeld DVD, you will be pleased to know you can now read Jason Alexander's interview with the Globe and Mail here.

Casino Royale

Like me you may have noticed those bus stop adverts for Gala Casinos. You know the ones, where beautiful people have a glamourous time chucking their money away. "Tony Cheung Project Manager by day - Tony 'High Roller' Cheung by night."

Isn't it just gambling? But it's gambling with a hint of glamour. Getting dressed up and paying over the odds for a gin and tonic shouldn't make it any more of a draw than the bookies. Your local Ladbrokes have plenty of bets on offer, just that their typical punter isn't a glamourous 20 something rather a 50+ year old in coke bottle glasses, with beans down his cardigan and his long suffering Missus's housekeeping in his pocket.

"Frank Wilson on Permanent Disability from the Post Office by day - Frank 'You've spent all my hoosekeepin' money, again' Wilson by night.' Maybe if Ladbrokes had a dress code and 'betting etiquette' more lovelies would wander through their doors.

Anyway I've got a tuxedo to pick up before I can do the fixed odds coupon.

Bound To Be On Their Way To Ibrox Dud List Update

Here are a few more recently released free transfer fannies to "tempt" Big Eck...

Darren Anderton, Gus Poyet, Christian Ziege, Andy Todd, Michael Tarnat, David Unsworth, Nathan Blake, Steffen Iversen

Holy Shit.

Meet Laura Marney

Walking into a Glasgow Bookstore yesterday I was met by a sign inviting me to 'Meet Laura Marney' nothing unusual about that, unless that particular person happened to go nuts on you just about a year beforehand.

To be effectively dumped by 'one of Scotland’s best-kept literary secrets' is an odd experience. It still causes me to groan whenever I see her coupon in a newspaper.

You can read the synopsis and pre-order her forthcoming novel here.

I'm sure her book'll be very good and have her on the pages of all serious newspapers and literary magazines. I'm quite sure I didn't make a big enough impression to feature in the sequel.

Wednesday 19 May 2004

Andy Kaufman is Alive!

Andy Kaufman did indeed return from the dead at the weekend. Don't believe me? Then look here. Hmmmmm.

God Almighty

As if the dildo, sex doll and viagra sites I have to process in here are not enough I've just had to do one for some bible bashing artist and another for a buffoon calling himself "Phil the Medium".
I hate religion.
Yes, for all the well covered reasons like it causes wars, it's a racket manned by crooks and all that but chiefly because of the idiocy implicit in the belief that the world was made by some big magic man who lives in the sky and watches over us.
You have to love the sheer bloody minded stupidity of people who can look around this shambles of a world and still convince themselves that "God has a plan".
For me that kind of thinking rams home the probability that we as a species will destroy ourselves while in the midst of our intellectual infancy.
Then there's the whole clairvoyancy racket.
"Your mother was old when she died wasn't she Barbara?"
"No"
"But she had an old soul didn't she Barbara?"
"Not really..."
"But she had an old car didn't she Barbara?"

Sometimes I wish I had the brass nuts to sit in a darkened room holding my temple and telling folk who've just paid me hard cash:
"I'm getting the name John, does John mean anything to you?" instead of honestly slogging away in a dead end office job. But then I doubt if I could ever escape the nagging certainty that anyone who claims to have contact with people on "...The other side" should be immediately dispatched to join them.

Canned Cancer

Now that Nicola has almost successfully prised me off salt, her new campaign centres around fizzy drinks. News today indicates that fizzy drinks severely increase the risk of cancer. Much like most things right enough, but again I'm trying to cut down. I think this'll be harder, however with cans being 50p out of the drinks machine at work, I could stand to save a few quid.

Just Vinegar Please

I have now gone 5 days without salt, even going so far as to request vinegar only on my fish supper. Unlike Ronnie and his vow to give up fags I haven't saved up any money. And I don't think I will, unless Saxa up the price of a tub to about £23.50.

Tuesday 18 May 2004

Your Problems Are Solved

When your feeling depressed, down and lonely, nothing helps like the trite platitudes of an annoying buffoon ...

The Impending Nightmare

Celtic fans have every right to have a good laugh at us bears fans having trotted to the title like a big sexy horse while we’ve looked like a bowl of old plopity doo.
Most pundits agree it was the poor quality of Alex McLeish’s summer signings that did the damage to Rangers this year, along with a host of departures.
However, as many a club face financial meltdown, it’s gritted teeth time for Gers fans as we pray Eck steers clear of any or all of the available “stars” below:

Scot Gemill, Callum Davidson, Frank Sinclair, Billy McKinlay, Craig Hignett , Steffen Freund , Andrew Impey , Ibrahim Ba, Javi Moreno, Steve Howey, Per Frandsen, Stevie Crawford, Charlie Miller, Paul Gallacher, Scott Severin, Freddie Dindeleux, Danny Mills, Domenic Matteo

Mark my words, at least one of these haddies will end up proving just how rubbish a washed up old pro can be at the ‘brox.

Monday 17 May 2004

An Outstanding One to the 2-0

The sharper among you may have noticed the gold in the previous post. If you haven't here it is, Aliaksandr Hleb's brother Slava Hleb has his own website full of the same nonsense English as his bro.

Return of the Turbo Dribbler

As a postscript to Tom's bit about Stuggart midfield general Alexander Hleb and Google's curayzee translation of his website, I wrote him the following letter:

"Hello Aleks,
I am being a big liker of you from Scotland. You were the player of most goodness when you made with the football at Ibrox Park against team I like most the Rangers of Glasgow.
If you are coming to Britain to be player for clubs I would most be pleased for you to be with us at Ibrox, but I hear damaging untruths that you may turn evil for Celtic in otherwise.
Are you traveling on your way to the land of bagpipes? Maybe the premiership is less catastrophe. Even Liverpool.
You are player of much goodness with the fast legs and cunningly toes and feet, combined with mind quickness that makes bad men around tired and angry.
If you come to the Rangers of Glasgow I would be saying och aye the noo!
But dismay! We afford no players as well as the turbo- Dribbler. The satisfaction might have been giant large.
Irn Bru, Fraser, Scotland"

Here is my reply:

"Hello dear friends of Aliaksandr Hleb, first of all cordial greetings from Aleks. Unfortunately in the past time some remained lying at fan post office. Therefore Aleks and I (Tai, the Web master of Aleks homepage www.aliaksandr hleb.com) decided to dispatch to you everything the something "impersonal" answer.
Can hardly present you to her, how many Mails to arrive daily here. But Aleks is pleased about each individual letter. Whether hand written or as email. In particular innumerable congratulations were received at the 1.Mai to its birthday. Was a beautiful package, which I had presented to him from you. Cordial thanks for this.
An often asked question is trained when and where the VfB Stuttgart. Too these and further VfB specific questions would like we you to ask to turn directly at the VfB Stuttgart (www.vfb.de). We have to send the request a franked and addressed back envelope to the autograph hunters among you to Aliaksandr Hleb fair sport marketing GmbH of upper fields STR 50 71546 Kleinaspach.
As fast as possible then your autograph desires decrease/go back at you. You already in the profit play to the U21-Europameisterschaft participated?
On Aleks homepage see you, how can win it its national team leotard. We wish much luck and the correct let us tap!
And by the way: Also Aleks brother Slava, which changed in January of the VfB to the HSV, has now its HP on-line. You find it under www.slava hleb.com in the name of Aleks Hleb thank-beautifully for the batch post office and we hope again, to her are not verbittert that each email was momentarily not answered personally. Presses everything the VfB and Aleks still strongly the thumbs against Bavaria Munich and in Leverkusen, thereby the 3. Place and the qualification to champions the League are thus reached. And the 2. Place is also not yet lost... Greeting, Aliaksandr Hleb and Tai Volkmer"

What an age we live in.

Sunday 16 May 2004

Izzie in the Movies

As a comedian Eddie Izzard is peerless. However he's made some dubious movie choices in the past (for example Velvet Goldmine, Circus, The Avengers, I mean I could go on.)

Perhaps his latest additions to his cinematic CV might stop make watching him on the big screen an horrific experience. In addition to his forthcoming appearance in Romance and Cigarettes he's just announced a feature length documentary about his life.

It's Fall or Nothing

In the US the TV networks have just announced news of their new Fall schedules. It's what looks like a mixed bag. Jason Alexander is having another tilt at post-Seinfeld sitcom success with an unamed show about real life sports columnist Tony Kornheiser. The big hope must be Joey.

However there are some corkers in the pack. A remake of Mr. Ed? What life must be like as an American TV exec, eh? From taking an existing show's format and 'reworking' it to remaking British shows, now they're rehashing hackneyed ideas from the 60s.

But that's not the best of the new series. Here's Father of the Pride, an animated show about a family of white lions who work for Siegfried and Roy .

On a brighter note Seth MacFarlane follows Family Guy with American Dad.

Squiggy

Back when I was about 14, the thing that used to get me out of bed for school in the morning was Laverene and Shirley. Odd I know. If you've ever wondered what happened to Squiggy, you can find out here. You may be surprised.

Friday 14 May 2004

Fizzy's Lovin' the Metal

Here at work there's no more Real Radio (see previous post) cos Chris can't run it on his computer, as apparently it slows the network down. Now however after a day of Californication by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on repeat, we have Chris's heavy metal CDs.

My problem mainly is that Fizzy is a big Heavy Metal fan (again see previous post) and he's spending the afternoon headbanging, playing air guitar and making guitar noises. All the while telling me how long a particular solo from songs like 'Slave Monster' and 'Hot Rods at Satan's Left Hand' last for. Tom isnae 'lovin' the metal.'

Pass the Salt

I was taken out for dinner the other night there by someone very close to me. She became very upset with me over my use of salt. She points out that salt is very bad for you. And me in particular. I'm going to try to give it up. This however, is my favourite salt fact "It comes from water, but it makes you thirsty!"

NYPD ZZZzzzzzz...

I have been a fan of NYPD Blue for something like 13 years now.
For those of you who haven't seen it, it's quite simply the best cop drama ever made, just about eclipsing Channel 5's recent and brilliant addition The Shield thanks to a blend of great characters, the obligatory gritty storylines and genuinely devastating plot twists.
It was a flagship show for Channel Four when it first aired in the UK, but despite remaining popular and award laden in the States, audience figures over here waned resulting in Channel Four failing to broadcasting the show for something like two years then returning it to our screens with 3 year old episodes (we're two seasons behind America) at more and more ridiculous hours.
The latest season began in the stamina sapping 11.55pm timeslot and has been shunted around by rubbish like The Games until I finally snapped last night on noticing that this weeks episode would air at 12.40 am, ending five hours before I had to get up for work in the morning. That's pretty outrageous and no way to try and win back viewers to what has been a consistently excellent show. This series in particular has been the dogs.
When are British schedulers going to learn? The BBC have already ruined their chance to gain audience share with two of the biggest shows of all time, The Simpsons and Seinfeld, by sticking them on at ridiculous times and repeating the same few episodes over and over ad infinitum. I know that a lot of US TV is bought to cheaply fill schedules, but it seems to me as if there is no-one out there in TV land able to discern between the dross (Players anyone?) and the good stuff.
Why, for example, has the dull as ditchwater "Without A Trace" been given a 10pm timeslot on a Monday Night?
You'd think the shelves of awards NYPD Blue has won over the years and the record breaking audience figures Seinfeld got in the US would act as some sort of indicator, even for someone a bit thick. But Hey, what do I know? Lets all get back to watching Celebrity Dog Fuck or whatever other nonsense they're sticking on in primetime.

Andy, Are You Goofing on Elvis?

Here's some more on the anticipated return from the dead of Andy Kaufman.

The Ronnie Biggs Red Tape

While watching BBC News 24 last night, I saw an interview between Gavin Esler and Michael Biggs, son of great train robber Ronnie Biggs.

Biggs Junior is still on the whinge about wanting his convicted criminal father released from jail. We've covered this greeting faced tosser before here. In case you don't know, in 1963 Biggs was part of a gang which robbed the Glasgow to London night mail train. The group got away with £2.6m - at the time the biggest robbery Britain had ever seen. Biggs's personal share of the haul was £147,000 - worth about £1.6m in today's terms. Train driver Jack Mills, 57, was coshed with iron bars during the robbery. He never returned to work and never made a full recovery. He died in 1970.

In July 1965 Biggs escaped from Wandsworth prison fleeing to Spain with his family, spending two months there after having plastic surgery to change his appearance. Moving on to Australia and then Brazil before returning to Britain in 2001 a very sick man.

Junior has spent his days since then attempting to waste the time of anyone who will listen about how his worthless cunt of a father should be released. In last night's interview he gret about how "terrorists and paedophiles get softer sentences than my Dad got." I think we're all for terrorists and paedophiles getting 30 years a time, I'll back that campaign. Is that the one you're running Michael? He moaned that fellow train robber Buster Edwards only served 16 years. Yeah? Well Daddy hasn't even served half that time.

Apparently 'the government won't review his sentence.' Well they might have, had he attempted to serve it. He then went on to refer to something he termed 'The Ronnie Biggs Red Tape.' Nah, me neither. "I see my father as a political prisoner." Quite why the BBC are giving this clown airtime is maybe the most baffling thing about it all. Anyone with just a casual eye on the situation might be under the impression that the guy is actually innocent. It's like he wants him to be rewarded for being able to escape.

Biggs broke out of jail and spent his good years partying, living it up and cashing in on his noteriety. Then as an old and sick man he decided to come over to Britain to go back to prison and receive medical attention, all the while having the members of his family who can speak wage a campaign to have him released, 'in order to see out his remaining years with dignity.'

The most annoying thing for me is, if Biggs hadn't broke out, his waste of space son Michael would never have been conceived.


Ceemac

When I let my pal Charlotte know we had started doing this, she put up a blog of her own. I'm sure she'll be good for all kinds of rants once she gets going.

My Baby Left Me in the Desert, Likesay

I saw Dean Owens last night and had the privelige of manning his CD stand. He was really good, for a Country and Western singer from Leith he must be up there with the best of them.

Channel Bore

Last night my wife encouraged me to watch "Fairy Godfather", the Channel Four life swap show where basically fed up women get gay guys to encourage their men to dress better.
I'm not sure what she expected me to get out of it, but sadly, it turned out to be yet another of these crass meritless "life swap" reality shows.
Where is it going to end with these shows, we've already had wifeswap, jobswap, houseswap, what next?
"Kevin is a 44 year old accounts director at a large firm. His daughter, 2 year old Jessica has recently started playschool. Channel Four asked them to swap roles for a week. Can Jessica master both walking and new Lotus accounts software and how will Kevin cope with a busy schedule of sticking crayons up his nose and eating his own poo?"
My main bone of contention with "Fairy Godfather" though is not that it's silly shit, (it's certainly not alone in being cheap desperate reality schedule filling), it's the shows remarkably tired depiction of gay people that I actually found a bit offensive.
No doubt the producers will be sore patting each other on the back about how they have offered a positive depiction of gay people on mainstream TV, completely oblivious to the fact that they've done little more than re-enforce stereotypes that have been with us since the 50's.
In the show, the role of the gay guy seems to be to put pressure on their male subject to do three things, clean the house up a bit, dress better and express more empathy for their partners. So we have scene after scene involving gay men being obsessively clean and neat, picking out clothes and nagging. You see, according to shows like this gay men are not men in their own right they are male women, living breathing cliches straight off Ricki Lake's sofa.
And why are these guys qualified to offer lifestyle advice to other people in the first place? Are they trained, qualified relationship councilor's? Psychologists maybe? No, they're gay, and gay folk just know about that stuff. What offensive crap. The gay guys I know must be a bit annoyed at being bereft of the magical powers Channel Four seems to think you get simply by kissing a man.
It seems to me that people who are having relationship difficulties should maybe talk to each other or seek proper relationship counciling. Channel Four's solution seems to be to send a couple of gay guys round to browbeat the man of the house into wearing a polo neck.

Thursday 13 May 2004

Edwyn, He's My Darling

I noticed that in the forthcoming Burns Festival, on June 4th Edwyn Collins is playing at The Festival Club in the ’De Lust’ Spiegeltent in Ayr, supported by The Alexander Brothers a nicely odd double bill.

I was never a fan of Rabbie Burns. Fizz describes him as "a drunken Whore Chaser that bored the arse off me with his flowery pish."

Like Icke

Having a look at David Icke's website is always worth a laugh.
We all remember David don't we?
Having spend years as a buttoned down sports presenter, the ex-Coventry goalie went completely off his cake a few years ago, took to wearing purple robes and began to predict world shaking events which occurred solely in his alarmingly befuddled head.
He's now on some convoluted conspiracy kick about beings he refers to as the Illuminati who are taking over all the world's Governments with a plan to ultimately enslave the world, Mars Attacks style.
It's certainly a nice of way of convincing yourself that people aren't all just cunts, fucking up the world quite brilliantly without any help whatsoever, but I have to ask, is that what working on Grandstand does to you?
If so, don't be surprised if Gary Lineker locks himself in the commentary booth during Euro 2004 , daubs "I am The Nazarene !!!" on the window in his own shit and attempts to escape five days later wearing Alan Hansen's skin as a disguise.
The next thing is you'll hear good old Frank Bough has been found in a seedy London leather den, encouraging a young prostitute to beast his world weary old bum hole with a silver butt plugg! Eh, hang on a minute...

The 50 Most Influential Comedy Albums

Again for fans of Stand-Up, here's an interesting feature on The 50 Most Influential Comedy Albums.

As it's an American feature, all the albums in the list are from the US of A. Of the ones I have or have heard my faves from the list are Woody Allen's Stand Up Comic and Rant in E-Minor by Bill Hicks.

Stand Up Comic is, as the feature says, a masterclass in comedy writing. Although nowhere near as good as listening to it, you can read transcripts of the album here.

My favourite bit on Rant In E-Minor is Hicks's rant on Jay Leno's selling out.

As for the albums on the list that I haven't heard, I'd like to hear more of Robert Klein and I'd really love to hear the Albert Brooks album. I once saw his ventriloquist act on The Ed Sullivan Show and I find it hard to think of something that I've laughed harder at.

Pryor on Fire

For those out there like us two who occasionaly tred the boards as stand-up comedians, the acknowledged master of stand up is Richard Pryor. His illness has curtailed Pryor's performance career, but his website is allowing him not only a platform for his ideas but also to provide advice to fellow comics - both working and aspiring.

Apparently he actually reads the posts and several such posters have been lucky enough to interact with him. There is also now a DVD release of The Richard Pryor Show

So We Go Into NBC and We Tell Them We've Got an Idea For a Show About Nothing

The cast of Seinfeld has reached an agreement over disputed royalties, paving the way for a DVD release of the NBC series’ 180 episodes. In an interview with The Globe and Mail, co-star Jason Alexander said star Jerry Seinfeld and producer Castle Rock Television were previously unwilling to pay him, Julia Louis-Dreyfus or Michael Richards to film extra material or for royalty shares the collection would earn.

Aren't we all happy to hear that?!

Wednesday 12 May 2004

The X Presidents

"While playing in a celebrity golf tournament, former U.S. presidents Bush, Reagan, Carter, and Ford are stuck by radioactive lightning and transformed into the X-Presidents, superheroes dedicated to ridding the world of evil threats, including Saddam Hussein, Reptilio, Manuel Noriega, and Imelda Marcos, in an entertaining, comic-book adventure."

Sounds like funny to me. Have a look at some pages from the book X Presidents or why not even buy a copy?

Just shove it up your arse...

Here at work, we occasionally get a sex toy site to publish. Mentioning this at the weekend to pals Mahari and Gav, Mahari recalled seeing Graham Norton receiving a sterling silver Butt Plug from an admiring viewer.
Why would someone spend all that extra cash on getting a silver one?
We can only assume that a silver butt plugg means that you are celebrating the 25th anniversary of rodgering your own arse with inanimate objects.

...But I Know What I Like

At auction recently Jackson Pollock's painting Number 12, 1949 has set a new record for his works. Also in the auction was a painting by Mark Rothko. Straight in front of me at work is Untitled: 1959. What the affinity is with a depressive artist who commited suicide and an e-commerce company in Maryhill I don't know. But I so wish they had put up Untitled: 1961 instead. So much more inspiring.

What's up Doc?

For those of you who like to laugh while simultaneously despairing of the entire human race the Doctor is most definitely in...

Serenity Now!

Since we started this blog I've noticed that Fizzy suffers from Technology Rage. As far as I'm aware despite all the technological advances Microsoft have made, they still haven't developed a computer that responds to threats. Even one that knows that a fist is being pressed up against it would help Fizz.

I think screaming at and hitting things that don't work for you is a relatively new idea, I find it hard to imagine that Iron Age Britons attempted to smash up their Rotary Querns or screamed "Just do what I tell you, ya bastard!" to their Pole Lathes.

You Only Sing When You're Winning...£10,000

Did you know that football now has its own Chants Laureate?

Mullet Over!

What the hell is going on? Is anyone else left as I am, gasping in disbelief?
Can it be true? Is the Mullet really back? It's trendy now? When the fuck was that decided? What utterly wrong disaster from the past are they going to bring back next, Thalidomide ?
You now can't move in Glasgow for legions of fashion conscious look-at-me trend slaves walking around with their Chemical Underground record bags sporting some sort of spruced up revival version of the worst haircut ever invented.
What these draining West End bozos don't seem to realise is that it doesn't matter how many highlights you get,or how much Sasha's in Newton Means charged you for it, it's a mullet and mullets are for twats.
Why? Well, they look ridiculous for a start.
Getting a mullet is essentially the same as getting a car out of a chop shop. It's like driving out of the showroom with the front end of a micra welded to the back end of a transit van. In both cases, a slapdash charlatan has charged you over the odds for something ugly and dangerous.
But the main reason I hate mullets it's that it's a compromise haircut. It's a "computer programmer by day, rocker by night" haircut. An "I work hard but still know how to party" haircut, a haircut for people who are neither one thing or another.
There is one good thing about Mullets though, they let you know someone is a goon straight away. No wasting a few minutes discerning whether or not someone is a tit by having to talk to them, the mullet serves as a beacon of idiocy that can act as a real timesaver.
I genuinely wouldn't let someone with a mullet watch my wean. I feel separated almost by species from someone who thinks it ok to have a travesty on their head.
As for the new breed of "trendy" mullet wearer's, if you're ever searching for a reason for the holocaust there's your answer, silly wee sheep who'll go for anything as long as someone tells them doing it is cool. They'd be wearing lederhosen and rubber gloves on their heads if GQ told them to.

Tuesday 11 May 2004

Top 10 Cancelled US TV Shows

Here's a great article about The Top 10 Cancelled TV Shows. From US television of course.

Few of them have made it to Television on Britain and the few that did were tucked away in the schedules. Like Freaks and Geeks and Family Guy.

You can now buy some of them on Region 1 DVD, such as The Ben Stiller Show where you can see sketches such as the insurance salesman who targets only Grateful Dead fans, Sports Night and the show at Number One in the list Mr. Show.

Shine Sweet Freedom, Shine a Light on Me

Anyone else out there forced to listen to Real Radio? In the last few days since someone decided to play a radio through here, we’ve had Dire Straits, Coldplay, Travis, Billy Joel, Elton John and The Stereophonics practically on a loop.

“Hiya I’m under the belief it’s still the 80s could you play me Love Shack by the B52s?” If that was asked for on any other radio station going they’d have to spend 3 hours in their vaults to track it down, but funnily enough Real Radio had it cued right up.

The whole world wide web to choose from and Chris behind us picks a radio station broadcasting from East Kilbride playing music that was lame even in 1988.

Any suggestions on how we can beat Chris and Real Radio?

The only difference between myself and a madman, is that I am not mad!

Today is the centenary of Salvador Dali's birth. Like an awful lot of folk round Glasgow who have such a thing as a favourite painting, my favourite painting has always been Christ of St John of the Cross.

From Here To Eternity?

Vanora, my good lady wife has been on at me recently to buy her an eternity ring.
Now I could dismiss this as yet another female ploy to squeeze me for a wee bit more jewellery, but the fact is like most guys, I'll probably just do as I'm told and buy her one.
But hang on. I've already agreed to "'til death do us part", now she wants to up the stakes? It's eternity now?
I have already attained the shabby "what's the point?" look of a man who knows he can't ever shag another woman here on earth and I've pretty much accepted that my life is over and I'll be slam dunking the same hoop 'til I cark it but now the sneaky cow is trying to stop me from getting a handjob off Anne of Cleves in the hereafter? It's not on.
I say "no!" to the eternity ring, unless of course she threatens to withold sex, in which case I will be straight down to The Ringmaster.

Girning like a wee lassie with a skint knee

As a fan of the bears, I was annoyed by some of the things Sam Allardyce was saying regarding Prso's move to Rangers
Are we to believe that he is so naïve and trusting that he truly thought he would get Prso without actually attaining his signature? If so he's deluding himself and misleading Bolton's fans, but I suspect he knew fine well he may lose the player and is simply taking the opportunity to girn about it in a most unprofessional manner.
Casting doubt on Prso's ambition and professionalism is bad enough but trying to insult a club like Rangers, who have a pedegree his club could never even hope to match is downright disgracful.
I would concede that the general standard in the Premiership is better than in most SPL matches, but I am so sick of hearing about how the premiership is "one of the best leagues in the world". It plainly is not. If it was then how come English clubs have failed to win a European trophy since 1999 (and they were a bit jammy to bag that one)? Were they not watching when Celtic hammered two of their clubs out of Europe last season?
We often get accused of lacking the glamour of the english game and sure, we can't match Man U v Chelsea or Liverpool v Arsenal , but come on. Norwich v Charlton? Portsmouth v West Brom? Are you excited?
Get a grip Allardyce. If you failed to sell your club to Prso, that's your own fault. You can hardly blame Rangers for demonstrating to the boy that they are indeed the bigger club.

Monday 10 May 2004

Girl Fight

Does anyone think Andy Kaufman will come back from the dead this week? It would certainly be nice.

Here's another comedian getting up to something Kaufman would have been proud of. Doug Stanhope fighting Tonya Harding. Read all about it here.

Uri Geller, Derren Brown and mind control

I have come to hate Uri Geller over the years.
Once when I was a kid, he was considered a mystical man, a man of genuine spirituality. Now he's an annoying twat who's only discernable skill is to ruin peoples cutlery.
And that Derren Brown guy, he's another one. why don't these fannies try using their skills to stop people being cunts? Because they don't have any skills .
Bending spoons? You might as well be able to move bus stops two inches in any direction, or memorise the various manufacturers of cups.
And Derren Brown is a useless wee smug tosser who'd drap if I kicked his peas, powers or no powers.

Times Thoughtfully, Times Loosely, Times Sexy

We've been chuckling at the website of Aliaksandr Hleb who plays his football for VfB Stuttgart in Germany.

We're sure that he can speak perfect English, but the translation of the site is hilarious. Some choice cuts below.

"After the outstanding solo one to the 2:0 Alexander Hleb ran toward Cannstatter curve, signed with the left hand to the fans to and put the index finger of the right hand on the lips. "that meant: See ago, if I let acts speak ", he explained later. The satisfaction might have been giant large with the turbo-Dribbler."

"During my homeland vacation over the new year of white Russia came largest sport newspaper "press ball" on the idea me as Model to present - without football, times thoughtfully, times loosely, times sexy... The 4stuendige photo session exerted, but also a mad fun made."

"Under any circumstances I do not want to paint the devil here to the wall."

Metal

I have a few questions about heavy metal . I love it, but there are a couple of things I wonder about.

Eg: A lot of heavy metal lyrics seem to be about the singer getting annoyed about having his time wasted. You know, "hey baby don't waste my time", all that sort of thing. Why are rockers so concerned about time management ?
Really, how precious are we to assume a heavy metal singer's time is? All he really has to do is rock, bone chicks and pick weevils from his pelt, what's the big problem?

Remember when heavy metal singers went through that mad phase in the eighties when they all got mullets and started cutting about in trenchcoats? It was mostly the soft/sport metal bands like Great White , Dokken and FM who did this, but it spread throughout metal like idiotic wildfire. What look were they going for? Who was the first to decide that they were going to invent a look combining Billy Ray Cyrus, Sam Spade and a ladies aerobics class ?
I bet loads of kids like me left several gigs in the eighties with the vauge feeling that what they'd witnessed had been partly to do with some sort of hillbilly crimefighter investigating murders in a ladies gym.

It's a Typo!

Recently watched the Beloved Aunt episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Here's a link to a terrific Larry David interview.

Hiya!

Welcome to our blog where we will be talking pish. We are two fannies who should be working, but decided to post the pish we talk daily so that other folk can see it.