Friday 31 December 2004

The Last Post (for 2004)

So it's the end of 'Pish's inaugural year. As if that signifies anything. When I had the thought to start this blog, it was mainly due to my inability to concentrate on my job and had to wander around from website to website. On finding that the news-sites, blogs and the like that I visited weren't always updated frequently I decided to start a blog of my own in order to amuse me and others like me. Fizzy mocked me, saying it was a stupid idea. Within a few days he had rejected that idea and got quite into it.

I was going to do a Best of 'Pish round-up, but I think I'll leave that for next May when we reach one year old. What I have noticed over looking over old posts is that I should really concentrate more on avoiding repetition of words and try to avoid using the word 'genuinely' quite so much. From Fizzy's posts you'll notice an unhealthy obsession with all things Rangers related.

I'd like more folk to get involved in the comments. Many times I've found myself discussing the comments with the commentator via e-mail or on Instant Messenger. So get involved more next year 'readership.'

You should also be checking out the You Owe Me Glue site, as a big year for me and Fizz kicks off with us getting right in about this show. We have to write about 90% of it still and rehearsals should start very soon.

So see you all in 2005, which, let's face it is when you're reading this anyway. Let's hope 2005 is better than this pishy year, but that makes about as much sense as saying let's hope January is a better month than December.

It's Over There!

This amused me. Birmingham City midfielder and famed head-the-ball Robbie Savage wants a move away in order to be closer to his parents in Wrexham. For this purpose he has eyed a shift to Blackburn. However it transpires that Birmingham is actually closer to Wrexham than Blackburn. Tens of thousands of quid a week and can't look at a map properly.

If Only Fizz Were Here

If only Fizz was here, he'd be having a good old rant about the news today that Newcastle have agreed a deal to sign Jean-Alain Boumsong.

It's Party Time!

So Hogmanay then. My favourite time of year, where my natural inclination to be miserable is challenged by all and sundry who think I should have something to be happy about. I think the last time I felt I had something to genuinely be hapy about was when John Collins hit the equalizer against Brazil in 1998. Maybe not, but hard to pin down another moment.

Who decided that on a random day of the year you have to be fucking happy? March 14th? Why don't we all go out then and jump about for no good reason?

So what are you all doing then? Me? Well, with only one half-hearted charity case offer to my name (which was withdrawn in any case) I'm doing fuck all. Force me to celebrate, I dare you.

11.50am UPDATE! Charity Case Offer No. 2 - Tiger Tiger. 15 quid. An offer that came in after I said that I could hardly think of a worse place to spend New Year's Eve. Bedtime by 12.05 still sounds good for me. 05 cos obviously I'll sit up to see if things suddenly become brilliant after midnight. When I get the sense that my life is still pish. I'll sleep.

We Urge You Not To See This Film

I went to see Lemony's Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (4/5) last night. As Tom's Stars may suggest I really enjoyed it. I dunno how good an actor Billy Connolly is though, but the whole thing really worked for me. Kids who'll probably be grown-up leads before too long, an excellent villainous Jim Carrey and a solid turn from Meryl Streep. The whole world it existed in, although hard to pin down in terms of when and where, was very believable.

Thursday 30 December 2004

Films of 2004

I suppose with only a couple of days left I should round up my films of the year.

1. Lost in Translation - I saw this at the cinema 3 times and plan on watching again in the next day or two. Standout performances from Bill Murray and Scarlet Johansson. Beautifully written and directed by Sofia Coppola. It left me with a wonderful feeling, it's a film full of hope and also had a brilliant soundtrack with Death In Vegas, The Mary Chain and Bill Murray himself.

2. Capturing The Friedmans - A spellbinding and brutal documentary charting the downfall and break up of a family due to allegations of child abuse. A film that I sat engrossed throughout. Bizarre and utterly fascinating. The film never takes sides and it's difficult to work out who was guilty and who wasn't. When it came out on DVD in about June I rushed out to buy it, but have not as yet put it into my machine.

3. Super Size Me - Another documentary and one that has kept me out of MacDonald's and other fast food outlets every since. It's always nice to go to the cinema and learn something.

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - You gotta love Charlie Kaufman. I loved the premise of this film. On hearing that his ex-girlfriend has erased her memory of him, a guy goes and gets her memory erased from his brain. How I wish I could do something similar. A great cast with Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo, Kirsten Dunst, Tom Wilkinson and Elijah Wood. Winslet's character never seems likeable, nor do they seem like the perfect couple, but you root for them all the same.

5. Collateral - Every new Michael Mann release will have me rushing to my nearest multiplex and this was no exception. Tom Cruise as a baddie. Jamie Foxx as a put upon taxi driver. Mark Ruffalo again as a cop on Cruise's trail. This coming year may well be when Jamie Foxx gets his just rewards with his turn as Ray Charles in Ray likely to bring him an Oscar nomination. I've been saying since I first saw him in Any Given Sunday that he has the qualities of a young De Niro. He can shift from Sunday's finely tuned athlete to Ali's junkie hanger on to Collateral's everyman turned hero. The pic had everything that we've come to expect from Mann. Swooping cameras, car chases, a pounding score and a gripping film.

6. I Heart Huckabees - Not for everyone certainly, but it was for me. Quirky and funny. David O. Russell serves up a beautifully shot film with great performances from Jason Schwartzman, Mark Whalberg, Jude Law, Naomi Watts, Dustin Hoffman, Lilly Tomlin and Isabelle Huppert.

7. 21 Grams - Taking the jumbled structure of his first film Amores Perros to another level, Alejandro González Iñárritu constructs and absorbing movie that you are constantly attempting to piece together. A quality cast with Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Naomi Watts again all at the centre of crime and tragedy.

8. Shaun of the Dead - A British film without gangsters and it's brilliant. Spaced with zombies is the simple way to sum this up. Edgar Wright always seemed to direct Spaced as if it were a film, so the look of this was no surprise. It got all the elements right, as it had the right ingredients, of horror, comedy and parody. Another great cast with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost at the centre. With the DVD going for £7.99 in Virgin right now, how can you go wrong?

9. Garden State - See post below.

10. My Summer of Love - Paddy Considine along with newcomers Emily Blunt and Nathalie Press all give superb performances in another brilliant British film by Pawel Pavlikovsky.

11. Fahrenheit 9/11 - I did an enormous blog when I went to see this back in the summer. Ultimately it failed in its mission - to get Bush out of office, but it still holds up as a fascinating work.

12. American Splendor - Part movie part documentary. Harvey Pekar's comic books come to life with Paul Giamatti, Hope Davis and Judiah Freidlander in standout performances.

As for the rest of the best 2004. The Cooler - Alec Baldwin in his best performance since Glengarry Glenn Ross. Dead Man's Shoes - Paddy Considine is outstanding as a vengeful brother. The Station Agent - An unusual story, where nothing all that much happens, but beautifully played out. Kill Bill Vol 2 - Much better than the first part for me. Lots of cracking action, roll on QT's next. Napoleon Dynamite - Oddball but loveable. The School of Rock - Richard Linklater and Jack Black make a rockin' team. The Fog of War - Yet another documentary as U.S. Secretary of Defense from 1961 - 1968, Robert S McNamara outlines his 11 life lessons.

A decent year for films. There were a few that I didn't get around to seeing that I really wanted to Before Sunset being the main one. Roll on 2005's bumper year for films.

Garden State

I went to see Garden State (4/5) last night. It was a very well made wee film. Nothing all that much happens but it's great. Zach Braff and Natalie Portman were excellent leads and of course the Scrubs star wrote and directed the thing himself. It reminded me slightly of films like Beautiful Girls and You Can Count On Me.

It's had a lot of acclaim for its soundtrack and it is really good. My favourites really were the songs I already knew well. The brace of tracks by The Shins and Simon & Garfunkel's The Only Living Boy in New York.

Wednesday 29 December 2004

Jerry Orbach

Law and Order star Jerry Orbach has died. Orbach was also a renowned stage actor and star of Crimes and Misdemeanors and The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.

The Fantasy League @ Christmas

The Fantasy League has taken on some new developments in this busy festive period. It's all change at the top with Ronnie's the von brauns overhauling Fizz for top spot. He sits on 603pts 9 clear of Big Fanny Failures. John Terry, Ledley King and Jimmy Floyd are doing the business for Ron this month.

In second spot the Fannies have suffered with Olof Mellberg having a disastrous month on minus 12, but Samuel Eto'o, Paulo Ferreira and Jimmy Floyd again have kept him well in touch.

In third on 567 is my outfit Serenity Now. Damien Duff has bagged 30 points for me this month. My other big scorers were like Fizz Samuel Eto'o and Paulo Ferreira. I think Jay-Jay Okocha could soon be on his way though.

Apart from the change at the top , the other big fantasy league story this month is the continued resurgence of West Bam United. From foot of the table also rans to title contenders. Karen's side has amassed 178 points this month taking her to 544 overall. Petr Cech in goal has bagged 35 points on his own, while John Terry and two goal hero John Arne Riise have also been doing the business.

Lokomotiv Sausages are in 5th place with 539. Dave's side is another suffering through Olof Mellberg's minus points. The big points come from Sol Campbell and that man Eto'o again.

Keith's Do you smell gas? have climbed up a spot. Although harboured by the insensitive blocking of the fantasy website at his work, he's had a reasonable month. Ledley King and once more Samuel Eto'o score Keith's big points.

Up off the bottom, through nothing she has done, is Nicola's CSFPG FC. Manager David O'Leary posts -6 and Diarra in defence a -5. Frank Lampard and Rio Ferdinand are the best scorers in a poor side. The CSFPG FC supremo did confide in me last night that she has been ignoring her squad and leaving them to rot. Bragging rights were once important to the team on 401 points, they could be again if she can turn this shoddy outfit around.

Propping up the table on 383 points is Neltic FC. A Guy at Keith's Work has similar problems to Keith in that he can't access his side from work. Birmingham City's Maik Taylor in goal is his biggest scorer as his side consist mainly of zeroes and minuses.

So an exciting league. I think Ronnie and Fizz will be leapfrogging each other for a while and who would bet against West Bam topping the table shortly. Not me.

Christmas Hangover

Some of the Talking Pish staff are back post Christmas and pre-New Year to keep you entertained. How was it for you? For me, I spent Christmas mainly in front of the telly watching DVDs. Series 3 of Cheers, Little Britain, Chapelle's Show, The Ben Stiller Show, Mr. Show, Holes, Shaun of the Dead and Alan King's Inside the Comedy Mind. I also found time to go to Oran Mor with the lovely Nicola.

Friday 24 December 2004

90 from the 90s

Here are the final standings in our 90 from the 90s poll.

A good response and quite a few surprise entries.

If we can get our shit together we'll try to make it available as a playlist, and might even arrange a wee night somewhere and play 'em all, with drinks, dancing and nibbles. We'll keep you posted.

Thanks to everyone who entered their top ten and big up to Ronnie at 160676, who did most of the hard graft.

Oh yeah, merry Christmas everyone, see you in the New Year...


1. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
2. Radiohead - Paranoid Android
3. Pulp - Common People
4. Smashing Pumpkins - Today
5. Oasis - Live Forever
6. Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy
7. Ride - Leave Them All Behind
8. The Breeders - Cannonball
9. Suede - The Drowners
10. Arab Strap - The First Big Weekend
11. Jane's Addicion - Been Caught Stealing
12. Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
13. Underworld - Born Slippy
14. Radiohead - Creep
15. Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight Tonight
16. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
17. Public Enemy - Fight the Power
18. Radiohead - Karma Police
19. Primal Scream - Loaded
20. Beastie Boys - Sabotage
21. U2 - One
22. The Shamen - Pro-gen
23. PJ Harvey - Sheela-Na-Gig
24. My Bloody Valentine - Soon
25. PJ Harvey - 50ft Queenie
26. D'Lacey - Hideaway
27. Beck - Loser
28. Leftfield & Lydon - Open Up
29. Blur - There's No Other Way
30. Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
31. Senser - Eject
32. Prodigy - Firestarter
33. Faithless - Insomnia
34. Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro
35. Everything But The Girl - Missing
36. KLF - 3am Eternal
37. Orbital - Chime
38. Verve - History
39. Oasis - Supersonic
40. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes
41. The Cramps - Bikini Girls with Machine Guns
42. Primal Scream - Come Together
43. REM - Crush with Eyeliner
44. Pavement - Cut Your Hair
45. Swervedriver - Deep Seat
46. Livin' Joy - Dreamer
47. Lamb - Gorecki
48. Jeff Buckley - Grace
49. The Frank & Walters - Happy Busman
50. REM - Losing My Religion
51. Suede - Metal Mickey
52. Garbage - Only Happy When it Rains
53. Half Man Half Biscuit - Paintball's Coming Home
54. Fountains of Wayne - Radiation Vibe
55. Beastie Boys - So Whatcha Want?
56. Tool - Sober
57. Dodgy - Staying Out for the Summer
58. Happy Mondays - Step On
59. Spice Girls - Wannabe
60. Archers of Loaf - Web in Front
61. Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper?
62. Pearl Jam - Alive
63. Spare Snare - Bugs
64. Supergrass - Caught by the Fuzz
65. Square Pusher - Come on My Selector
66. Kenickie - Come Out 2 Nite
67. Ben Folds Five - Eddie Walker
68. Fishbone - Everyday Sunshine
69. Prince - Get Off
70. Pavement - Gold Soundz
71. Dee-Lite - Groove is in the Heart
72. The Melvins - Hog Leg
73. Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Kill Your Television
74. Boo Radleys - Lazarus
75. Lewis Taylor - Lucky
76. Pavement - Major Leagues
77. 808 State & MC Tunes - Only Rhyme that Bites
78. Wu Tang Clan - Protect Ya Neck
79. Faith No More - Midlife Crisis
80. Pearl Jam - Rearviewmirror
81. Counting Crows - Round Here
82. Alpha - Slim
83. The Chills - Song for Randy Newman
84. Portishead - Sour Times
85. Sonic Youth - Sugar Kane
86. Placebo - Teenage Angst
87. EMF - Unbelievable
88. Weezer - Undone: The Sweater Song
89. Faith No More - Small Victory
90. Counting Crows - A Long December

Thursday 23 December 2004

It's A Wonderful Radio Play (that's not on the radio)

Last night's performance of It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol went quite well. Both plays had suffered a loss of a main actress (something that snowballed to effect You Owe Me Glue), but those who had to step in at short notice coped admirably.

Personally my multiple roles weren't enough for me to get really into it, but what I did I quite enjoyed. The performances from Anne-Marie, Charneh, Derek and especially James were all excellent. There was a very 'luvvie' atmosphere afterwards that Anne-Marie and I mocked, but then bought into...then mocked again.

Even the Ronnie, Tommy & Graham triumvirate enjoyed it.

Tuesday 21 December 2004

Who Wants To Be A Simpsons Fan?

Simpsons fans you'lll love this. See if you can become a millionaire like I did. However the lifelines don't appear to do anything.

Scotland's Best Footballer

Here is an interesting article about a Mexican woman who is being denied the chance to turn out for a men’s pro team by FIFA.

While I doubt we’ve heard the last of that, it led Tom and I to think of pretty much the only Scottish footballer currently playing who could accurately be described as a living legend.

No, it’s not Gary Bollan, it’s Julie Fleeting, the double winning Arsenal captain and Scotland international skipper with 78 goals in 73 games for her country.

Scotland hasn’t produced a male player anything like as prone to achievement for something like 30 years and she deserves far more credit than she gets, particularly as she has not only managed to achieve success in England, but also made a big impact in the US Women’s League, where the standard is much higher.

Typically, Julie banged in a hat-trick only a couple of weeks ago.

Monday 20 December 2004

Buses and Trains

To get away from Fizzy’s national concerns, I’d just like to touch on a subject Fizzy covered a few weeks ago and this is my continuing irritation with bus travel and while I’m here the trains too. Not enough that buses are often erratic in their timing, I just watched three 40s come down Maryhill Road in a virtual funeral procession or the prices get stuck up for no good reason it seems that every bus past 10pm has to have some near fight on it.

For weeks now nearly all every 62, 66 or 40 bus I get out of town has some sort of incident on it from your clichéd ned telling a daft looking heavy metal boy “Your bird’s mouth has just got you in a lot of bother,” to other clichéd neds asking “who wants it?” I’m constantly sick of having to look out the corner of my eye for something kicking off or having to sit for twenty minutes while the driver waits for the police to arrive. What is it about this part of the world and buses?

Last night I had to assist in forcibly throwing someone off the bus. After threatening to report the driver for some imagined indiscretion an obviously mental middle aged punter was holding us all up by refusing to be chipped off the bus, so me and another punter assisted him. He seemed to be plotting some kind of revolt against the driver and hoped to recruit the other 4 passengers on the bus. It was not to be for him.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I had to get the bus into this worthless job of a morning I’d go back to the trains in a shot. Even although they’ve slapped in their gate system at Queen Street, making out that they’re doing us all a good turn and clamping down on the handful of folk who skip their fare by irritating the rest of us. While using that cracking phrase, ‘revenue protection.’ The word ‘protection’ implying that they are experiencing some sort of attack on their finances and they now, poor defenseless them, they’ve had to take this drastic measure. If I’ve turned up in time to buy a ticket and there’s no manned ticket desk, then there’s no one on the train to sell me one, why when I have arrived at my destination in time, should I be forced to join a queue to pay for a journey I’ve just completed? I have no problem with queuing before my journey but after my journey has ended is cutting into my time. So to sum up it would appear that public transport is a nightmare, no matter what means you use.

Some useful links if you want to make a slight fuss about losing your freedom

MP's By Constituency

MSP's

White Rose Civil Liberties Movement

More will follow...

...and here they are:

no2id

My V for Vendetta Letter

Dear Local MP,

I have a few points to make about the proposed introduction of ID cards.

Firstly, none of the arguments forwarded in favour of the scheme stack up.

They won’t stop benefit fraud. Most people involved in benefit fraud lie about their circumstances, not who they are.

It won’t stop terrorism for two reasons. Firstly, the terrorist threat to this country is greatly exaggerated by the leaders of your party, who have a less than perfect record on getting their facts right about who’s a threat to who.

Secondly, ID cards did little to deter the Madrid bombings and the Hamburg Cell. Organised crime flourishes in Italy, where they also have ID cards.

ID cards have also failed to halt rampant illegal immigration in countries such as France, Italy Germany and Spain, so that one doesn’t wash either.

Considering the above, it seems silly to me to fork out my share of the £6 billion required for this system, particularly when it seems that all it’s good for is letting Tony Blair know where I am and how many times I’ve been to the doctor.
If Tony is so anxious to know what I’m up to, I suggest not trying to get me to pay for a big brother style national surveillance system, but simply that we swap mobile numbers. That way we can just ring one another and catch up that way.

We would also be able to spend the saved money on frivolities like the decent state pension I was expecting when I joined the workforce, some hospitals, or more foreign military crusades.

What the hell happened to you people? Didn’t you used to be socialists?

Yours, to do with what you will it would seem,

Fraser Campbell

Blogs The Way You Like Them

In this pishy job we have to write blurb for a lot of companies who brag that they provide work/bathroom/building ‘from start to finish.’ When did this become a selling point? We won’t piss off before we’ve finished? There’s too many companies using slogans that don’t mean anything. At the UGC one of their no point to it sayings is ‘See It Your Way’ which means nothing. Seeing it my way would mean not having anyone chatter or check their mobile phone during the film. ‘Seeing it my way’ would mean having no one kick my chair during the movie. It’s just a stupid phrase to make people think that they’re getting something when in actual fact…they’re getting nothing. ‘Fresh Milk’ who sells anything else? ‘Today’s newspapers!’ Not yet, but it won’t be long.

Pedro for President

Over the weekend I went to see Napoleon Dynamite (3/5). It was shot very well had some nice set pieces and some clever ideas. However it seemed to exist purely in its own world. A world where everyone was weird and Napoleon was just the goofiest of the weirdos. Some of it was kind of improbable even for the world that had been created in which for the story to exist. It was very likeable though so any gripes are just minor ones. I know I’ll buy it eventually.

It had a lot of the kind of things I like about these kinds of people in this setting. Napoleon’s Uncle Rico was obsessed with time travel and in particular getting back to the year 1982 where his football career went horribly wrong. In comedy I love the device whereby someone’s life is defined by a particular event. It usually turns a character into a laughable shell of a man, which makes for funny. Napoleon also features the geek who becomes cool, but still fundamentally stays a geek. Another perennial funny.

"You Be Ready to Kill Me or Be Ready to Die."

Here is a really good article about the pioneering stand-up comedian Dick Gregory.

It's Official: Orwell Was Out By 21 Years

For those of you with any interest in maintaining what we currently describe as freedom and privacy, the time to write a strongly worded letter to your MP is now.

With the government about to easily get past the first stages of their ludicrous and unbelievably expensive ID cards bill, New Labour (or old Nazi, whichever you prefer) are now well on their way to knowing far more about you than they have any right to.

There are many excuses being offered regarding the introduction of these stupid cards. It will combat benefit fraud they say, and most of all, it will deter terrorists.

Both arguments carry no water at all.

As others have correctly pointed out regarding benefit fraud, most people attempting it lie about their circumstances, not who they are.

As for deterring terrorists, ID cards failed to stop the Madrid bombings and failed to stop the Hamburg cell from operating. The idea that having to blag an ID card is going to put a terrorist off his (or her, lets not be sexist) stride may seem dumb reasoning on behalf of the Government, but really, this line is being trotted out simply because New Labour think we still believe them about their terrorist threat bullshit, in spite of everything and are still scared by their bogyman logic.

Why come up with skilful, reasoned arguments for a population they believe will respond perfectly well to tactics popularised by the Witch finder generals of the dark ages?

There is another reason why the government are confident of public support on this one though, and that’s their contention that it will tighten up immigration.

Again, this desired state of affairs has failed to transpire in several other countries with ID card schemes such as France, Italy and Spain but that has not stopped the government engaging in the seedy and intrinsically racist practice of implying that ID cards will mean a few less funny coloured foreigners on the streets of coastal Britain.

It is facile arguments like the ones noted above which have many Britons convinced that ID cards are a good idea, but will they think it’s so great when they have to be fingerprinted, iris scanned and DNA sampled for the privilege of paying for their card?

Will they be so happy about the idea when it becomes an offence not to carry your card?

Will they be so ready to give up their liberty when they discover that the technology to use the card as a means of tracking its carrier is almost in place?

Dear, departed David Blunkett, who has being trying to sell himself in the papers as the working class hero brought down by the arrogant rich bitch this past week, spoke in terms of ID cards creating a “perfect audit stream” for it’s users, meaning the government fully intent to use the data the card provides to observe and monitor the population in ways that it currently cannot and should not. He was also happy to let MI5 and MI6 have full access to the entire system, no questions asked.

And of course, the thing that makes my blood boil is that we are being asked to pay for this vast and complex erosion of our civil liberties, to the tune of £6 billion.

After which we have to pay again for the actual cards.

It’s like the Nazis asking soon-to-be victims of Auschwitz for train fare.

When my wife and I conceived our child the world was a pretty rough and ready place. But it wasn’t an Orwellian nightmare where a copper could stop you in the street and demand your papers like some Czech peasant in a war movie.

I think she will have some grounds for complaint if I don’t try to do something to preserve the freedoms I took and still take for granted as a UK subject.

While we may not be in “Big Brother” territory right at the moment, who is to say who will come to power in the future when this system is fully operational? I know it’s difficult to imagine a Government more sinisterly authoritarian than our current shabby band outwith the movies, but history has shown us it is not beyond the realms of possibility.

In the meantime, I am going to write my MP a letter asking him why Tony Blair needs to know where I am at any given time.

It's Nearly That Time of Year

Yes folks, it's getting closer. On the 23rd of December we reach Festivus. There's a great article in the New York Times. The most interesting thing is that we discover who the real creator of Festivus is.

Send a Festivus card or organise your Festivus party.

Happy Festivus when it comes!

Saturday 18 December 2004

Rehearsal

The second rehearsal for It's A Wonderful Life was much more fun. We ran the whole thing and it seemed to go quite well. At the moment we are rehearsing without microphones so it's hard to tell if you're getting into exactly the right spot when you go up to do your bit, but it shouldn't be too difficult. It appears to have been cast well, as the main players are all very good. There's one more run through before Wednesday's show.

Thursday 16 December 2004

The Resignation of David Blunkett

On the Blunkett affair Fizzy managed to crack up the handful of folk in work who listen to him, by summing it up in the phrase “He’s a liar, a home wrecker and a fanny.”

Fizzy - Political Speech Writer anyone?

Grounded

Non-league Exeter City have been drawn against Manchester United at Old Trafford in the 3rd round of the FA Cup. A massive financial boost for them as they will be able to live comfortably for a while on their cut of the gate. However if they are lucky enough to bag a goal, they have been banned from celebrating in their regular fashion by Manchester United fans.

The side’s sponsors Flybe encourage Exeter’s players to do an aeroplane impression when they score. For this they pay the £1,000. Nice, a wee bit corporate but harmless, a bit of fun and a grand in the back pocket of the goalscorer. Manchester United fans however claim that to do that at Old Trafford will be disrespectful to those who died in the Munich Air Disaster. Of 1958.

For one, no one would be doing it to mock anyone at Manchester United or anyone who died on a plane. I mean they’re not going to spread their arms and crash their heads onto the ground in celebration. For another it wasn’t last week it was 46 years ago. A tragedy. Everyone who follows football knows about it and knows about the great talents lost. In particular the 19 year old Duncan Edwards. However not something anyone should have to check themselves about when making any casual reference to air travel.

This spoil the party whingeing is almost fascistic. Where do Man U fans get off trying to censor anyone? Are they so sensitive that the mere sight of a plane or even someone spreading their arms to imitate one will cause offence. Exeter being minnows have of course little or no chance of scoring a goal, which makes this all the more petty.

I take it that this means that all players from all teams are similarly banned from celebrating a goal in this fashion?

The Pig

There was a programme on TV a couple of nights ago about Craig Johnston, the former Liverpool midfielder turned inventor. It was a very interesting show. He was always a player I liked and he’s been interesting to watch as an inventor as well. For a bit of background, a South African by birth and Australian by upbringing he was part of a very successful mid to late 80s Liverpool side playing alongside Kenny Dalglish, Ian Rush, Mark Lawrenson and John Barnes.

His first notable invention was the Predator football boot. What was interesting about him is that he ditched Adidas in protest at their use of slave labour. He also insists that his boots are not made with kangaroo leather. His latest invention is The Pig and also a football skills programme that gives kids quantifiable data on their skills and progress.

Not content just to make football better, he also invented a system for hotel mini-bars. An idea he came up with while rooming with Bruce Grobbelaar. While Bruce was figuring out ways to pocket cash for throwing games.

The gen on Craig Johnston and the pig is here.

When Is a Radio Play Not a Radio Play?

I was at the first rehearsal for It’s A Wonderful Life last night. I have to say I didn’t really enjoy it that much, though the rest of the cast found it to be a hoot. We made our way through about half of the script. The director seemed shocked when we got to the bits where I have to have a conversation with myself and immediately decided to give someone else one of the parts. For a real radio production this wouldn’t have made much difference, so long as the voices were clearly dissimilar in tone etc, and weren’t spoken in the same breath, there would be nothing notable about one person doing dialogue for different characters so close together. However there seems to be more emphasis here on what the audience sees. This is mainly because the end product in this case isn’t designed to be something that you listen to, but something you watch, which is odd in that the script has been written purely as aural entertainment. All that said, it wasn’t a bad experience, I just didn’t find myself loving it. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it more in the next few nights.

I did enjoy working with Charneh though as she comes over with a real 1940s radio starlet quality.

I’m confident that it’ll make for an entertaining production and a fun Christmas night out.

How To Go From "Dull" To "Wankstain" In One Simple Blog...

This is from the blog of one of Britain hardest working comedians Ashley Frieze. His blog is usually boring, but this entry as well as being stupid and disappointing (‘cos he’s actually quite funny), it’s also a perfect example of the delusional construct within which most of us are expected to work every day.

“I see it as important for everyone in the team to get on and will do my best to keep people cheery and talking. I don't want to pander to people's sensitivities; I also don't intend to ignore them. The goals of the team are collective goals. Every individual member is important, but it's selfish for any individual to make their feelings an issue for the team. It's also a poor team that steams ahead and crushes anyone (member or otherwise) in its way.

Management is a tough job. Keeping people happy is too hard and is not a management goal. It is, in my opinion, rather cowardly management that seeks always to have buy in and happy campers (ooh, there's that "camp" thing again). Management is about leadership, knowing when to dictate and when to impel. Management is about facing problems, not sweeping them under the carpet, or hoping they'll go away in the end. Management is about facing down individuals and protecting the team.”


It’s about time we knocked this “team” shit on the fucking head is it not?

A “team” is only a “team” when every member shares in the rewards of success. That’s not the case in the vast majority of British firms. At most firms “teams” exist to create a false sense of competition between employees in order to generate higher productivity for which the employees derive no real reward. A warm beer and a slice of pizza on a Friday is generally considered ample.

The “team” concept has another function of course, to make people who are unhappy within the “team” feel they are letting the side down if they complain about their, jobs, wages etc. Management use this false concept of reality not only to gain higher productivity without expenditure but to oppress and vilify any employee who dares question their overly regimented and constructed office lives.

In short, the moaning “team” member lives in actual reality, where he or she is struggling to pay the bills, exhausted by workload and pissed off by the corporate bullshit surrounding the job.

The manager lives in a delusional self constructed fantasy wherein all an employees genuine concerns about their wages etc are secondary to the fake concept of the “team”, a construct as much designed by company owners to oppress and exploit those in middle-management as well as the employees they pitifully attempt to lord it over.

In my experience, the only difference between a manager and a pleb in the British office environment is that the manager has swallowed a whole lot of fairly transparent bullshit, either because he or she is a moron, or they have no ambition beyond climbing the corporate ladder.

Since Ashley obviously has comedic ambitions away from the office, you have to assume he’s just a fucking idiot.

Your average pleb who wants to stay a pleb, and there are millions of us, can’t quite get used to the taste of corporate cock, and we really do wish these middle-management fannies would stop trying to think of ways to justify themselves and leave us alone. Who knows, they could even pitch in and do some actual work. Just a thought.


Ashley goes on at some length on the subject of what “…management is about”.
It seems fairly obvious reading between the lines that someone in his “team” has had a go at him and he’s trying to parlay his hurt feelings into something he can draw comfort from. Who cares if no-one likes me, I’m a good manager.

It’s important to remember though that what “…management is about” really is doing rich people's dirty work for them. Managers are worthless shills, pure and simple.

It may transpire that Tom and I will have to do some business with this clown during the course of the comedy festival and I will not be looking forward to meeting him. There are more than enough totals pricks in my life as it is (myself not least amongst them).

Tuesday 14 December 2004

Massivo Blogo

Well done to Tom there for leaping from his sick bed to batter out his thoughts on last night's tele. Going against Doctor's advice to give you pish to read every day is the kind of commitment the big man rarely gets the proper credit for.

As for me, no such large-ness, as I don't have my feet up and my hand half way down my kegs at home on the skive like some...

I am of course anxious to watch the Big Ron Documentry when the tape comes my way, but it will have to fit in around my latest passion, Football Manager 2005.
I have been barely functioning in reality since I got it a couple of weeks ago. So far three titles, two league cups and one Scottish...

One thing I will say though is ahahahahahahaha, to Nick Griffin and John Tyndall, two Nazi bastards who have been arrested for inciting racial hatred.

While I totally disagree with the new law, which infringes on everyone's basic human right to freedom of speech, I am quite glad that one of the first to get bitten in the arse by it is that daft looking David Bowie eyed toolbag, who, despite having his cover blown like a million times, still tries to masquerade as a legitimate politician. Nick being Nick, he will spin his arrest into martyrdom of course, for the benefit of the half dozen or so closet case basement dwellers who still give a toss about what he says and does.

The current Government have a truly dumb habit of helping insignificant fools like Griffin get into the papers with these idiotic "crackdown" style laws, that only serve to give front page space to a dullard most people, even most racists, stopped listening to several years ago.

Speaking of the Government, I don't want to get all preachy and Conservative here, but isn't the reason Blunkett should resign because he's split up a family?

I don't give a toss if he helped his lover get a nanny, or if he gave her a couple of train tickets.

I do however question the character of a man who casually decides he's telling a guy that the kids he thought were his are not. Why didn't he just announce it on Trisha? And since when did powerful men putting their cocks wherever they damn well please, sod the consequences, not go to moral character? You can't hide behind this "right to a private life" pish for everything. Besides, maintaining any kind of private life will be all the more difficult when Blunkett wastes billions on his completely unnecessary ID cards. Where's my right to a private life in all that eh, you boorish home wrecker?

Still on the Government, their latest "crackdown" is apparently going to be skiving, which I'm doing right now, or more accurately, cutting sick pay in their bid to trim tax spending down to just the Iraq war and free stuff for all their mates.

Apparently too many people are abusing "the system" and they'll be taking measures to cut Civil Service/Government employees sick pay forthwith.

Those cheeky bastards.

Maybe if we didn't work the most stressful jobs for the shittiest pay for the longest hours and the least holidays in Europe, there might be less sickies.

What are we paying taxes for nowadays, really? We're already being told oops, sorry, no pension, now sick pay is getting cut back?

What utterly infuriates me is this tremendously arrogant and sly New Labour trait of taking the total pish out of people by accusing them of letting the country down, as if Labour and Tony Blair "are Britain". It's exactly how big companies get folk to stay on for the hours of unpaid, off the books overtime, the kind you never hear Tony complaining about, despite the lost tax revenue.

It is difficult to comprehend the delusional gall of a Government who appear to genuinely believe they are entitled to our automatic respected just because they are in charge, like some bawbag call-centre supervisor.

Way back in the depths of time, respect was earned, with a demonstration of ability.

Not any more though.

These days, if we are to fall into line with New Labour thinking, we are dangerously close to showing a lack of respect for the nation as a whole if we so much as question our illustrious leaders.


It’s enough to make you want to phone in sick.

Oops, turned out to be quite a long one after all, eh?

St Richard & Big Ron

It was a pretty good night for documentaries on TV last night. First up was St Richard of Austin a doc on filmmaker Richard Linklater. I've been a fan of his work since Dazed and Confused. I had seen his debut Slackers, but it was only when I saw his 70s teen high school film that I really took to him.

Although the film touched on his cinematic influences like Robert Bresson, it also highlighted how he had reworked philosophies from people like Albert Camus and made them his own. What really struck a chord with me was a lot of it centred round Linklater's hatred for having a real job and his dislike of people working in offices.

"There's a job. A career. And a calling."

Linklater seemed to be hammering home a point, of if you have to work in an office, just don't buy their corporate bullshit. It was nice timing, since at work for some reason they have begun to attempt to get me to treat my nothing job like it's some first step on a career path. I will be having a rant about this at a later date. What would have made this a 5 star doc was if the documentary maker hadn't been trying to go down that Nick Broomfield route of making himself a central figure in it.

Onto the evening's second entertaining documentary. What Ron Said, an examination of the comment that cost Ron Atkinson his lucrative job on ITV and his column in The Guardian. This was part documentary and part damage limitation PR exercise for Big Ron. Basically Ron realises what he said was wrong, immediately resigned and has apologised several times for his comments. However he feels he has served his time and that 7 figures a year position should once again be his.

Sometimes it was hard not to feel sorry for him. He so hates the thought of being thought of as a racist that he would do anything and go anywhere to disprove it. Including heading over to Birmingham, Alabama and going on a right wing radio station where they put 'Ron on Trial.' "You're out of order there..." He then had to listen bemused as a veritable Lynch Mob of Rednecks phoned in to offer him support.

He then went to the local university to ask a group of black kids why it was all right for them to call each other 'nigga' when he couldn't do it. "It's all or nothing in my book."

It also turns out that Ron has previous for this sort of thing. In 1990 during the England-Cameroon World Cup Quarter Final he was caught out saying that he would only get in trouble for a borderline racist comment if the Cameroon player's Mum was "watching up a tree."
"That was just a bit of banter."

Atkinson has a history of playing black players in his teams and some of them like Brendan Batson and Carlton Palmer appeared. Batson was somewhat surprised by what Ron had said and asked for an explanation and Palmer was gushing in his praise. It may have been telling that it didn't appear that Ron had a history of using language like that.

He visited a museum where racist propaganda was on display and it was testament to Ron's honesty that he commented so honestly that he was almost on the fringe of getting himself in to more bother.

In my opinion I don't think Big Ron is a racist. I don't believe he thinks that any ethnicity is better than any other. However what Ron is, is a bit thick. He's from a time where casual racist comments were acceptable, Ron just hasn't moved on. One thing that illustrates this was apparent last night, though not commented on. A clip of West Brom playing in the 70s showed the late Laurie Cunningham (I believe the first black player, to play at any level for England and went on to play for Real Madrid and Manchester United) cross for Cyrille Regis. The commentator, John Motson, exclaimed "The two coloured players combining well there." Now if he uttered that on Match of the Day this weekend there'd be an outcry. At the time it wasn't out of place. Black footballers were few and far between and Big Ron was proud that he had most of them in his team. Ron just simply hasn't moved his thinking on from that time. He's the kind of guy that believes that the words 'nigger' and 'darkie' don't hold any more offence than 'speccy' or 'fatty.'

What Ron struggles to comprehend is that having shown himself capable of a racist comment and ignorant thinking that his career should be over for good. I don't know why he thinks something like this should have a time limit. Former players like Frank McAvennie and Paul Gascoigne have tried their hand at punditry and the reason they no longer do it, is cos they don't have the necessary skills. They were both incomprehensible and frankly a bit daft. (Gascoigne being a wife beater, should never have been allowed in the first place). Atkinson has ruled himself out of punditry for similar and more serious reasons. While representing ITV he showed himself up as an ignorant buffoon, happy to use language that should be confined to history. If Ron was commentating on the next round of the Champions' League, I would not be bothered, but plenty of people don't get the chance to do that, and I think Ron's time is over.

Monday 13 December 2004

Football, Cold and It's A Wonderful Life

On Saturday I went to the Rangers - Dundee game. I got a free ticket. Nice to get to a game again, even if it isn't my favourite crowd of folk to sit in, though the sectarian chanting wasn't all that bad. As for the match it was all over as a contest in the 4th minute when Rangers went 2-0 up.

I'm currently suffering from a miserable cold, that wasn't helped by going to the football on Saturday afternoon certainly.

In other news, I'm about to do a wee bit of acting next week. I've joined The Radio Theatre Group for their Christmas productions of It's A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. My part isn't all that big. I get to juggle five roles in It's A Wonderful Life. Having looked over the script I see that this involves me having a couple of conversations with myself. I'm confident that I can go The Hank Azaria School of Voice Acting and pull it off.

When Fate Nudges You Gently…

Some odd perhaps prophetic experiences this week to do with our upcoming show “You Owe Me Glue”. While the show itself remains a half-written shambles, I did run into a mate I hadn’t seen for over 10 years who now dishes out funding for the arts, who told me we might be able to get a few quid out of him.

The only catch is we would have to start up a proper company, which would be pretty pointless for just one event, wouldn’t it?

Step in Alan Anderson, who on Saturday, offered Tom and I the chance to take over running the comedy club at O’Neils. So there may be a point to starting up a company after all.

Is fate sharply booting me and the big man up the arse? God knows we need it.

Anyway, we’ll keep you posted on how we manage to fuck up this opportunity as events unfold.

Friday 10 December 2004

Where Have We Been?

We've not posted much this week...er, no real reason. What can I think of...Fizz and I were out with the Policeman who caught this guy last night. We did rubbish in the pub quiz though.

In other news, I'm going here for dinner tonight.

Here's some stuff about music.

Go have a look and listen to one of my new favourite bands Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. There's an album's worth of mp3s on the site. After that why not listen to some mp3s on Ben Kweller's site. You can also have a listen to Brendan Benson as well.

What about this courtesy of Tommy. Basically it's a legal music download site in russia. but mega cheap. instead of 99p a song, it's lke $5 for 500mb of downloads.

That's about it for the moment. I plan on a visit or two to the movies over the weekend. I'll be sure to post any reviews come Monday.

Monday 6 December 2004

A Sad Weekend for Footie

It's been a tragic weekend for footballers. Two deaths and one loss of finger to report. Former Aberdeen cult hero Hicham Zerouali was killed in a car crash in Rabbat and Brazilian Cristiano Junior died while playing for his club Dempo SC in India. He had bagged two goals in the game, as had Zerouali at the weekend.

Paulo Diogo of Swiss side Servette lost his finger after a goal celebration went wrong. The 5th paragraph of the story made me laugh though.

My Top 10 from the 90s

After some deliberation I have submitted my 90s Top Ten. All songs I played frequently some for years.

1. Metal Mickey – Suede
2. Teenage Angst – Placebo
3. The Drowners – Suede
4. Insomniac – Echobelly
5. Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction
6. Today – Smashing Pumpkins
7. Fighting Fit - Gene
8. Miss Misery – Elliott Smith
9. Iceblink Luck - Cocteau Twins
10. Cannonball - The Breeders


Be sure to get your list in if you haven't done so.

I Also Complain

Having endured a couple of nightmare incidents thanks to First Buses, I have decided to following in Ronnie's footsteps and have a good moan about it.

I'm posting the following off today:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I find myself once again forced to complain about the appalling standard of service offered by your company this past week.

On Thursday 2nd December I took me over an hour and a half to get from Maryhill to Battlefield. Just over seven miles as the crow flies, so congratulations on managing to make my journey time longer than it would have been had I been travelling to Edinburgh or Kilmarnock.

The reason? Well, apart from the fact that your company seems to have decided that it would be hilarious if every bus you run goes down Union Street at the same time, every passenger on the 44 service I was travelling on was unceremoniously turfed off at Larkfield depot for reasons the driver felt best kept to himself.
I did however manage to establish that there was nothing wrong with the bus itself, which leaves me mystified as to why paying customers were bundled off the bus and forced to wait another 10 minutes in the freezing cold until another bus deigned to let us on.

Have you any explanation for this incident? Usually when a company treat you like a mug, they do at least provide some sort of cursory explanation for their behaviour. See if you can come up with anything.

Onto incident number two. This occurred in the early hours of Sunday morning (5th December).
Having spend a pleasant evening with some friends at the Woodside Social (really, you must go), I decided to forgo the hassle of queuing for a Taxi and get the 66 back down the road.

Imagine my surprise then when I found that I was to be charged £2.00 for my journey, 80p above the normal fare.

Apparently your firm reckons it’s a great idea to arbitrarily raise prices in the kind of “take it or leave it” manner you might expect from a drug dealer. A kind observer might call this blatant profiteering, I however would describe it as extortion, and the remarkably shabby treatment of loyal customers.

So lets move on to redress.

For my nightmare Thursday I’m going to be looking for £14.50. That’s an hour and a half at your driver’s rate of pay plus a refund of my £2.50 day ticket. £2.50 of course because I work for a living and therefore have to be on a bus before 9.30 am, which apparently means I have to be charged more than people who just fancy nipping over to the park of an afternoon.

As for Saturday/Sunday, because you can’t be bothered employing people who can make change, I had already put my £1.20 into the machine before your driver demanded I cross his palm with 80 pence more. I only had another quid, so that’s another pound you owe me.

I will expect my cheque for £15.50 by return of post.

Big shout out to all the lads, you’re all doing a bang up job.

Oh and if you want to discuss the issues I have raised over the phone be sure and leave it until after 7pm to call. I only get out of work at 5.30 remember.

Yours sincerely,


Fraser Campbell

Friday 3 December 2004

Spot the un-deliberate mistake...

As if you needed any proof that I am in fact a giant fanny who rarely if ever knows what he’s on about, I’ve realised that 2 of my top ten of the 90’s are actually from the 80’s.

“Gigantic” by The Pixies came out in '88 and “Epic” by the mighty Faith No More came out in 1989.

As such, my top ten, all checked and verified now reads like this:

1. Web in Front - Archers of Loaf
2. Been Caught Stealing - Jane’s Addiction
3. Tunic (Song for Karen) - Sonic Youth
4. Smells like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
5. Sabotage – Beastie Boys
6. Cut Your Hair – Pavement
7. Sunless Saturday – Fishbone
8. Bullet in the Head – Rage Against The Machine
9. Leave Them All Behind – Ride
10. Fade into You – Mazzy Star


Sorry for any inconvenience and of course, sorry for making myself look like a big fud…

Thursday 2 December 2004

My 90's Top Ten

Here's my 90's Top Ten after quibbling for a fair bit. What I've tried to do is go for songs I just couldn't stop playing when I first heard them, even if now they are no longer my favorite tracks by that particular artist. So these are the ones that had a real impact at the time.

Also here is a detailed and fun top 100 albums of the 90's site, and guess what's number one?

Fucking "OK Computer".

"OK Computer simply is the nineties..." the guy writes. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Web In Front - Archers of Loaf
Been Caught Stealing - Jane’s Addiction
Epic - Faith No More
Tunic (Song for Karen) - Sonic Youth
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Sabotage – Beastie Boys
Cut Your Hair - Pavement
Sunless Saturday - Fishbone
Gigantic - The Pixies
Leave Them All Behind - Ride

90 for the 90s

Here Talking Pish join forces with 160676 to bring you 90 from the 90s. We're compiling 90 great songs from the 1990s. Hopefully we can post them up once the list has been compiled. Go to the site, get your list compiled and send it in.

Yesterday's Men Are Calling

Feeling blue? A bit down at your work? What if I told you that I could get Willis from TV's Diff'rent Strokes to give you a quick bell and see if you were all right? Or TV's The Hulk? Or ex-heavyweight Champ Larry Holmes? Well I can and so can you. Unfortunately Lorenzo Lamas appears to have called in sick today.

Mamme, How I loves Ya...

You have to take a ganders at this.

Apparently, Spanish football supremos reckon that getting their players to black up for matches will prove they are not racist.

Plus of course it's always great to have a few rousing verses of "Way down upon the Swanee river" before a game of footie.

Perhaps black players can return the favour by dressing up as matadors before matches while humming of garlic and onions.

Wednesday 1 December 2004

Oooh Funny Man

Last night I was out making wisecracks in some nightclub. This time I played The Stand in Glasgow. It went quite well. I got a good response and felt quite confident on stage. Some of my jokes are still slow burners though. The pound shops one-liner seems to take a moment or two to compute especially. The compere was Tony Carter who managed to forget my name. he could only remember that my surname had something to do with shoes. “Tom Shoes!” He did apologise quite profusely afterwards though. I wasn’t really all that bothered and other than that he was quite a good compere. He did though introduce himself at the start of the second part of the show as The Dead John Peel. Seems that was the only impression he can do. The same dilemma happened to me when Mother Theresa died.

Although it did go okay, I really do think I prefer The Stand in Edinburgh. I’ve played them both twice each now and the Edinburgh one just has a better atmosphere to it.

As for the other acts, well as per usual it was patchy. When you come up with a joke about leukemia what goes through your head? Do you think it’s funny? Think it’s an original thought? Are you aware that it’s not funny and firmly belongs in the 1970s? Two things to remember whenever you’re doing a piece of material that may be offensive. 1.) Have a fucking point. 2.) Don’t pick on people weaker than you.

The girl on after me, Susan someone or other was quite funny right enough. I guess I could describe her as a kind of female Peter Kay.

The star of the show though was an act called ‘Gayle.’ Only a few people will know what I’m on about here but I haven’t laughed as hard or as self consciously since the shaved teddy, which the spectacle brought to mind. ‘Gayle’ was a 4’5” middle aged man dressed as an 18 year old girl in fake breasts, T-shirt, tartan mini and boots complete with an ill fitting wig. It was the first time I had laughed at someone in a comedy club and felt quite bad about it. It’s pretty hard to describe ‘Gayle’s act, it revolved around sex, especially sex with ‘Leonardo.’ ‘Gayle’ was waiting for me backstage when I came off, which freaked me out a wee bit, as her act had finished about 20 minutes before. It’s kinda hard to take compliments off someone who you think might actually be mental. He was just wandering around in costume for the rest of the evening, chatting to folk and scaring them off.

My sole supporter last night was Pretty Boy Paul. I was just glad that someone was there to witness ‘Gayle’ with me. Jo couldn’t make it as she was on the guestlist to see Sting in Milan. “So I guess you’re not coming to see me at The Stand?” I can see where her loyalties lie.

Onto sadder news now as I regret to report of the untimely demise of Graham Hosie. I have no idea how Mr Hosie met his end, as I can only presume he has passed due to this e-mail he sent me a few weeks ago.

“No I will be a definite for the 30th of Nov at the Stand, that is a promise I intend to keep unless I'm dead. G”

I will be sending The Widow Hosie a bouquet of flowers post haste and asking her out after an acceptable period of mourning. However perhaps he was just in the huff after me picking him up on his Ted Demme/Jonathan Demme fuax pas the other day there over on TING. “No, Tom they’re like a cinematic Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased).”

If I was doing a gig in the bar of the UGC you’d make it Ho, eh? That is if you could fit it in between a double bill of Telles sont mes Pousses with Gerard Depardieu and Emmanuelle Beart and Registration Suspended starring Richard Greccio, Susan Dey and Cheech Marin. It’s no problem for Grant to fit me in to his busy schedule! 4th December Hosie! 4th December!

Tuesday 30 November 2004

The Indie 500

Here's a link courtesy of Ronnie. It's nonsense but it's had us whingeing away. There are very few bands on it before 1991 and to put every single by Snow Patrol, Blur, The Killers, Razorlight etc is just silly. Someone ran out of ideas somewhere along the line.

You Take Her Over Any Sweet Jumps?

About two years ago the film that everywhere you went people asked you if you had saw was Donnie Darko. In the next few weeks I reckon people are going to be saying the same thing about Napoleon Dynamite. From seeing the trailer, just the two words 'sweet jumps' is enough to crease me up.

I Heart Huckabees

I did a lengthy post about my action packed weekend yesterday, but alas it didn't publish. Probably for the best. So I'll just say quickly, I highly recommend I ♥ Huckabees (4/5). I struggled to describe it to folk before I saw it and I still struggle now. It's certainly not to everyone's taste, but it had the right mix of quirky and funny for me. There's some great performances from Jason Schwartzman, Mark Whalberg, Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin. There's also a wonderful soundtrack from Jon Brion.

Friday 26 November 2004

"Punk's Morecambe and Wise"

Today's Guardian has a good interview with Shane MacGowan and The Pogues. Which reminds me, I agreed to go and see them next month, but I probably won't.

Thursday 25 November 2004

"The Drum Tech Lost Them on the Tube."

There's a really good interview in The Guardian with The Beta Band.

He's a tit, he really, really is...

Loathe as I am to comment on this, I am finally fed up with this old firm shite that’s been flying around.
The SFA announced today that Bob Malcolm will be hauled in for making a gesture after we won a penalty last Saturday, on top of indulging Martin O’Neil’s pathetic and hypocritical claims of “racist and sectarian abuse” being directed at Neil Lennon.
No action is to be taken against Lennon of course, for spitting on a Rangers scarf and gesturing to the home supporters, or O’Neil for calling everyone who follows Rangers racist bigots. Or whoever it was who assaulted Peter Lovenkrands in the tunnel at half time.
O’Neil also remarked that Peter Lovenkrands should have a look at himself for diving to get Alan Thompson sent off, an interesting comment when you consider that’s not the line he took when his best bud Neil Lennon did the exact same thing to get Juanjo sent off earlier in the season.
Perplexed as I am that the authorities seem to want to indulge this hypocritical and childish conduct, it does please me in one way.
O’Neil commented after last nights draw with Barcelona that he “takes flack every day”. This is plainly not the case. O’Neil has been uniformly praised for his achievements with Celtic, for the most part quite rightly.
But on Saturday he watched his side throw away their dignity and quickly followed suit himself.
Celtic will be hard pushed to retain their championship this year. Without Larsson, I doubt they have the quality and it has become obvious they don’t have the bottle. It has also become clear that O’Neil himself, once touted to take over from Sir Alex at Manchester United barely has the balls to do the second biggest job in Scotland.
What doesn’t please me though is O’Neil calling me a racist bigot. That’s not funny and not appreciated by me or any other Rangers fan and he should be encouraged to shut his daft face and to remind himself that as Celtic manager, he has quite a stake in the bigotry business himself.

Tuesday 23 November 2004

No Hugging No Learning

Seinfeld comes out on DVD in America today, so there's bound to be a lot about it in the American press. And this post bears this out, as it's a bit of a Seinfeld special. First, here's a pretty good article that lists ten of the best episodes. I wouldn't argue with any of them, though they may not be my 10 faves.

Of the episodes selected from the current DVD collection, I would say that The Pen, was the episode I was left with a new respect and appreciation for. It's just a brilliant example of how to write a sitcom and how Larry and Jerry adopted a fearless approach to their show.

Anyway, if you have all day to do nothing but read articles on Seinfeld.

USA Today
MSNBC
Ottawa Citizen
AOL Online (The Best Seinfeld Moments)
The Hollywood Reporter
Houston Chronicle
News Leader
Ottawa Business Journal
People
E Online

Monday 22 November 2004

Fantasy Update

Another week in the Fantasy League then. Atop the table sits Fizz's Big Fanny Failures on 405 points. Samuel Eto'o chimed in with a goal for him in Barcelona's win over Real Madrid. Just two points behind is early pace setter Ronnie's von brauns. Ronnie suffered a blow in midweek with his striker Milan Baros picking up an injury that will sideline him for 4 weeks. So temporarily down to 9 men he picked up some points through his Middlesborough duo of Downing and Jimmy Floyd.

In third place is my own Serenity Now on 384. My Juventus defence duo were in cup action this weekend, so I had to look elsewhere for my big points. Eto'o and Klimowicz up front provided. Lokomotiv Sausages are another team to benefit from Samuel Eto'o's lovely finish into an empty net on Saturday night and on 350 points they sit in fourth. Atletico Madrid keeper Leo Franco and Cafu of Milan are his current two biggest scorers.

Karen's West Bam United on 330 also suffer from the loss of Baros, but Kevin Kuranyi hit a goal for Stuttgart, though Petr Cech in the Chelsea goal let her down a bit. Neltic FC are in 6th with 309. Muzzy Izzet? The now out of the game Finidi George? With 2 transfers remaining for the month this Keith's Work based supremo should be getting elbow deep into that transfer market.

Second from bottom come CSFPG FC yet to break the 300 barrier, stuck as they are, on 298. If it wasn't for Lampard and Ljungberg this side would be dead and buried. Nicola, move into the transfer market for goodness sake. Having said that she's only scored 1 point less than I have for the month, but the potential in the side is there, with a good few pounds and pence in the transfer kitty and 2 transfers sitting. Don't waste them like last month. Propping up the table is Keith's Do you smell gas? His boss Mourinho weighs in with 54 pts and his St James Park ground help him out with 42. Ledley King at the back and the surprise Gary Holt in the midfield chip in with 33 points apiece. Eto'o also bagged a goal for the gas boys, but there's just too many players not pulling their weight in this leaden side.

Based on this month's points only the league would look like this:

1. Big Fanny Failures 118
2. West Bam United 96
3. Lokomotiv Sausages 91
4. the von brauns 82
5. Serenity Now 72
6. CSFPG FC 71
7. Do you smell gas? 61
8. Neltic FC 56

Still a long way to go though.

Ha Ha Hamilton

Last night we were both in Hamilton at Bar Strada for another gig. When I stepped out into the wind and rain, I did wonder 'what's the point?' and when we got to the gig, that was reinforced as even though we arrived about 8 there was only a handful of punters. However a few more folk arrived, though the two of us still thought it was going to descend into chaos as there appeared to be a bit of a drunken rabble going on.

It turned out though to be a really good gig. Although there were only about 20 folk in the crowd they gave us a good reception, I enjoyed my spot. My stuff went down well and although I could have performed better I was pretty happy with it. Fizz went on after me and he too went over well.

The evening was headlined by Vladimir McTavish, who was pretty funny and very complimentary of both of us.

The real star of the show though was Frankie, a guy who was asleep at the bar when the show started. Every act including myself indulged in some sort of banter with him.

Friday 19 November 2004

Play With Rabbits

You may (or may not) remember Fizz's Alasdair - Awright Guy or Irritating Pipsqueak dilemma the other week. Well we've found out a couple of less than interesting things about him. First of all playing The Gotan Project, gets him positively incensed and second of all he has a mad website all of his own. Bless.

Thursday 18 November 2004

You Owe Me Glue

Well, we've went with the title that we've had kicking about for ages.

Oozing like hilarious goo from the brains behind the infamous Cheery Bananas Magazine “You Owe Me Glue” is a collection of darkly tragic funnies written especially for the festival. Come see the only live sketch comedy show bold enough to say “Yo’mama” right to your stupid face.


You can keep tabs on our sure to be hilarious progress at the website.

"Women to Zak Were Like Scallops..."

Is anyone reading The Infiltrator? If so feel free to offer your opinions and suggestions for where it may go next to its author.

"If Only Smart People Like Your Shit, it Ain't That Smart"

Here's a great interview with Chris Rock by The Onion.

The Laughs Keep Comin'

First off thanks for all your suggestions for a name for our show. All zero of them. Actually, no, we did have one suggestion, but Fizzy and Tom's Laugh-In probably isn't going to cut it. So you have one day to stamp your name on comedy history, as we pretty much have to confirm the name by tonight.

Second of all the Tom and Fizz double act rolls on. Fraser 'You'll Never Get Me in Lanarkshire' Campbell has another gig lined up in Hamilton and you can come back to O'Neills on Saturday 4th December to see the pair of us again. We're both currently threatening to perform 'new material.'

Wednesday 17 November 2004

If it Wisnae For Yer Wellies, Where Wid Ye Be?

As a follow up to Fizz's last post, I too read that Billy Connolly interview this morning. He's entitled to wish to be called whatever he wants, if he wishes to distance himself from guys like Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon or Bill Bailey then that's up to him. However portraying comedians who go out with written and re-written prepared material as a lesser art form only encourages the huge number of folk who step onto a stage and ramble for however long they're allowed, with no respect for their paying audience. The people who can do this to some success are few in number.

Let's just look back at The Big Yin's career a wee moment. Surely he's not attempting to convince us that he made The Crucifixion up on the spot, or The Jobbie Weecha? He's not saying that he went on to Parkinson that first time with no semblance of an act?

Woody Allen is rightfully acknowledged as one of the greatest stand-ups of all time. When he first went on stage he read his material out from sheets of paper. He soon learned that didn't work and memorised it all, but he wrote it, every word. As does Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright and many others. Even Bill Hicks, wrote and honed his stuff, even though he made it sound like it was all falling out his mouth for the first time. Of course he could if he wanted to speak off the top of his head, but it wasn't always guaranteed to be funny. Stanhope too, writes his material down and hones it as he goes. When we saw him at the Festival the reason he wasn't so funny on the night I was there was because he was constantly interrupted and had to devaite from his prepared stuff to deal with the fannies in the audience.

Perhaps the reason that Billy Connolly's not had a noteable and quotable piece of material for about 15 years is becAuse he knows he can get away with going on stage and talking about various subjects with not that much preparation. The suggestion that if you write stuff down beforehand makes you less of a comedian or less funny is a shabby argument. Sit through twenty minutes of 'So the war in Iraq then. If it's over someone forgot to tell the Iraqis. Someone heckle me...so anyway...' and see if you think that's funnier than watching Chris Rock or Denis Leary do prepared material.

Standing Up

I’ve just been on the comedy site Chortle where Billy Connelly has been on slagging off “stand ups”, not viciously really but the implication is that if you are a natural patter merchant who does stuff off the cuff, it’s better for an audience than prepared material.

I can see his point.

There’s nothing like a Raymond Mearns or a Billy Connelly on top form, and the freshness in the way the stuff comes out is better than it is with prepared material, there is no barrier between performer and audience.

I’ve encountered this problem – occasionally people have interrupted my act, trying to join in and help really, and I’ve had to break the flow of what I was saying to respond.

Afterwards I’ve had to try to remember what it was I was saying. It breaks the flow, makes the act seem stilted and it does give the impression to an audience that I’m talking at them rather than to them.

So I take the point.

The only problem is it applies only to the guys who are good patter merchants. Unfortunately the comedy scene is cluttered with gibbering fannies who spend 10, 15 and even 20 minutes spouting utter pish.

Not naming any names, but I have worked with a few.

I would much rather watch someone with some well thought out, prepared material that some guy gibbering on about his holiday in Spain with his mates for ten minutes at the climax of which he fails to tell a joke.

I can’t ad lib, or don’t very well at least. So what’s wrong with putting a bit of work in?

And it is work. You write it, you change it, you learn it and you learn to perform it. It’s not a doddle. And all the best guys in my book do it that way. Maybe it’s a British thing. Most of the comedians I admire are American, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock etc. Don’t tell me they don’t have prepared material.

I have been told by Raymond Mearns that I am “not a comedian”, although he did say he liked my stuff and Connelly is spot on when he says that most stand ups really want to be writers, not comedians. That’s certainly true for me.

But I don’t waste people’s time while I’m on stage talking a lot of unfunny pish and I don’t hassle folk in the audience with that “Where ye fae? Wishaw? Wishaw’s a hole, you must be a pure plum!” rubbish you get from so many of these so called patter merchants.

At the end of the day, if you can make a room full of people laugh, who cares how you do it?

Name Our Show

Here's a challenge for any of our readers. We are staging a sketch show for the Glasgow International Comedy Festival next March. We need a name. We have a couple kicking around, but none that we're totally thrilled by. So suggest a name for the show. You want a prize but don't you? Well if we use your suggestion, how about we give you a free ticket to the show?

Tuesday 16 November 2004

John Pinette

You know how we love anything Seinfeld related here, so I liked this feature. I enjoyed the irony at the end. Here is the big man's website.

The Hilarity Continues

My comedy comeback continued apace last night with a gig at The Stand in Edinburgh. This was much more like it for me as I went down really well and enjoyed it on stage. I even felt like I wanted to do more. I was on first, as I had predicted on my way there. Generally I quite like being on first, as for one thing if it goes well you can enjoy the rest of the night. Some of my jokes were slow burners, but everything got a laugh.

As for the rest of the evening, as these nights tend to be it was a bit of a mixed bag. My mate, the ever unpredictable, Tony was on. Mad dancing, a toy drum kit, a brilliant bit of improvisation with a lighter and a terrific closing line made him the best of the evening for me.

Other acts on the bill. The double act who spoke in faux American accents all night long absolutely done my head in backstage. An Australian guy who was flashed 12 times to finish up was probably the most excruciating part of the night.

It was the second time I've played the Edinburgh Stand and the second time I've went to The Basement for dinner beforehand. I dunno if I like the idea of forming some sort of pre-match ritual, but perhaps I have.

On this occasion my solitary supporter was Jo and lucky I took her as she offered a detailed critique, not so much of this performance but of gigs previous. This time I didn't do any of the things she said I had a bad habit of doing. Like swinging back and forward for example, I had no idea.

As for the secret details of forthcoming gigs, I am on in Hamilton next week and don't worry I don't expect anyone to come along to that one.

Monday 15 November 2004

A Date With...Hilarity

Aye, well done us on our stand up comedy come back on Saturday night. Tom's first gig since may, my own first since January. I though we both did pretty well, even if I had a pretty nervy opening when my tried and tested "Crunchie" joke fell flat on it's tired old arse.

Good night all round really considering we lost our headliner, had someone turn up out of the blue and only secured a compere at about half eight that night. It was also great to see so many folk turning out to fake laugh at our stuff.

Tom is back with a few more dates in the next few weeks - see the big man for secret details.

ODB

I thought I'd post ODB's obituary, if only for the last line.

The Laughter Returns

As some of you will know, both Fizz and I made our stand-up comedy comebacks on Saturday night at O'Neills. Appearing on the bill together for the first time, we had the dual roles of performing and organising the gig. Without a compere until 8.30, when Simon McKinney was drafted in at short notice, we also had an unexpected arrival in Bill Bruce, who we managed to squeeze in as well. We also had our headline act Des Clarke replaced late on by Gary Little.

As for us two, Fizzy's nervously anticpated comeback went off with a bang. Despite the fact that he was confused as to when he was going on, he rose to his name being called with great aplomb. His stuff old and new went down a storm.

For my part I thought I performed poorly, although I did still get the laughs.

Cheers to those who turned up to support us, Ronnie & Claire, Iain, Grant, Tommy, Cathy, Johnny & Pauline, Jon, Gregor and Jason & Lindsay.

Sunday 14 November 2004

Steven Wright

Here's a feature with Steven Wright.

Caroline's

Here's a bit about the comedy club that Jerry Seinfeld started out at.

Friday 12 November 2004

Armando Iannucci Shows

I have just discovered that you can download some epsiodes of Armando Iannucci's mid 90s radio series. It's from a Lee & Herring fan site and I think the episodes relate to guest appearances Lee and Herring made on the show.

Fuck the Bus Company

When I purchased my weekly bus ticket this morning, the bus driver practically sat bolt upright in his seat, implored me not to put my tenner in the chamber but in his grubby paw. He then told me to keep the additional pound, advising me to "Fuck the bus company."

Obviously a man not shy of dipping the takings for himself. I wasn't sure how keen I was on this deal. I get my bus ticket with a quid off, but he pockets a tenspot. If I was offered that sort of deal beforehand I don't think I would have taken it. I end up with less than 10% of the scammed cash.

He printed me off a ticket in the normal fashion. I did wonder how his scam works, surely the tickets put through would have to relate with the money in his takings. Anyone any ideas?

An All Day Session

Yesterday I went out on a day long drinking session with Jo and Moira. That said it wasn't booze the whole way. Having found half of Byres Road shut due to waterworks and renovations we finally ended in out of the rain in the new Bar Buddha in Creswell Lane for breakfast.

From there though we headed for the movies and saw (oh my good God) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (1/5). It was much as I had anticipated and is indeed the first film all over again. My favourite bit though is when the Thai authorities allow Bridget to open the minds of the Thai women in prison with Men are from Mars Women are from Venus books, Galaxy chocolate and lingerie. Despite the fact that one of Britain's best comedy writers, Richard Curtis has had his hand in this, it smacks of the boring rubbish any day dreaming housewife could knock out in 90 minutes. Start with an insecure woman prone to jumping to conclusions, chuck in some daft fantasy about a dream wedding proposal, a few know-it-all friends, a cad and a (shock) happy ending and there you go Bridget Jones 3. As we left the cinema my sarcastic comments of "What an ending! That was like The Sixth Sense! What a twist. I'm floored," weren't welcome.

Back in the real world we spent most of the afternoon in The Universal on Sauchiehall Lane. We had our tea there and I was pleasantly surprised by how good their food was. In the evening we drank cocktails in Gong. The Tooty Fruity proved popular. When that shut we finished off in Oran Mor. I think we were all surprised we had lasted that sort of pace.

By the end of the night we had amused ourselves by playing games such as Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and this easier version of the same game. Though Jo did comment several times, "Tom, I've never heard of any of those films."

I can't say I'm really looking forward to my return to the workforce next week.

Wednesday 10 November 2004

David Boring

Yesterday I bought and read, within about 90 minutes David Boring by Daniel Clowes. I don't read many graphic novels and I think this may be the first one I've bought. It was really good, if quite dark and seedy.

Hark The Closet Tory...

Well, it looks as if the Government is going to ban smoking in pubs and restaurants from 2006. For me, that means an end to enjoying the pub, in the same way as a ban on smoking in cinemas meant I pretty much stopped going to see movies.

I understand and totally sympathise with anyone who has genuine health concerns about smoking. I have no beef with not smoking at the movies, neither do I have a problem with not smoking while people are eating. But while having a drink? That’s like saying no sniffing glue while you spike up with heroin.

There is nothing to reconcile the hypocrisy of banning one damaging activity while one is in the act of committing another.

Besides, this is not the real issue here.

There is no more a case for banning smoking than there is for banning crisps or drinking alcohol, and that’s what this is really about. It’s about denying people a right they once took for granted. With this ban in place, what is there to stop health officials from banning fatty foods or alcohol, further eroding a person’s right to live as they choose?

What I really resent is the nanny attitude that still exists within the Labour movement, where you pay taxes and national insurance all your life and then get shit from NHS doctors and politicians if you take up any part of the Health Services precious budget because of your diet or lifestyle.

These people have to be reminded again and again that the system only exists because of the money that we break our arses for in our shitty jobs every week.

This attitude that working class people don’t have the wherewithal to look after themselves and must have legislation designed to help them live longer rammed down their throats is grossly insulting, and likely to be the tip of the ice berg.

Why do they want us to live longer anyway, you have to ask yourself? So we can work longer and keep their sorry little racket going, that is why.

Nanny knows best, and while these Labour doyens enjoy an excellent quality if life on our dollar, they’re not worried about any health problems they might face in the future. They’re all members of BUPA.

The hypocrisy and arrogance displayed in this upcoming legislation is incredible and begs the question: “What are they going to ban us from doing next?”

Tuesday 9 November 2004

Write up North

On Saturday I went up to Inverness, where Jennifer and I went to a playwriting workshop run by Liz Lochead. She was quite entertaining, although probably performed a wee bit too much and therefore there wasn't enough time for questions.

Jennifer also provided me with a brief local history lesson.

Monday 8 November 2004

In Some Schools...

You must read this hilarious article with Big Ron Atkinson. His attempts to talk himself out of the whole racist thing had me laughing for ages. His forthcoming TV show on racism reminds me of that episode of Father Ted when Ted, having offended Craggy Island's Chinese community, organises a slide show to prove he's not racist and only proves that he is in fact an ignorant, big fool. That's pretty much what Ron succeeds in doing here.

Sugar Rape, Anyone?

Here's a feature on Chris Morris and his rumoured new series. And here's another.

All Change in the Fantasy League

A disastrous weekend for league pacesetters The Von Brauns and Serenity Now has seen November start with my own Big Fanny Failures replacing Ronnie at the top of the league with Tom pushed down into third.

While Failures managed an incredible 61 points this weekend thanks to my policy of spend and re-build, Ronnie and Tom pulled in 6 and 5 respectively, thanks in part to injuries, bookings and the sending off of Man U firebrand Alan Smith.
Not a man to stand for being let down in that manner, Tom has already replaced him in his team with Barca front man Samuel Eto’o, although too late to capitalise on his goal scoring performance this Saturday.

Ronnie has also made changes, looking to free up some cash for a third striker, bringing in Boro’s in form Stuart Downing, as good a cheap option as there is in the game perhaps. However, Ronnie will have been rocked by news that after just 13 games, the departure of Tottenham coach Jacques Santini has left him without vital managerial points for the rest of the season.

Further down the table, Neltic FC, West Bam Utd and Locomotiv Sausages have all pulled back to within genuine striking distance of the leaders. Particular credit must go to West Bam, who looked dead and buried just a few weeks ago.

Below the chasing pack are two teams in serious trouble. CSFPG FC’s dramatic slide down the table seems to be the only thing going for Keith’s “Do You Smell Gas?” with Nicola’s team in dire need of an overhaul.

So, an amazing weekend in the Iomartership, with the team who finished the first week bottom going top after some wise spending in the transfer market. Extra transfers are available on the website at £1.50 for two.

Friday 5 November 2004

Who Are The Digerati?

Cos we were pub quizzing last night we missed Ronnie's band rock out at Barfly. Anybody go? Anyone like to report on it?

Ron has just posted some photos on his site.

Taking the Quiz

Last night at The Rock we helped Cathy with their pub quiz. We finished a commendable 5th out of 20. However we were lying in second place going into the final round, so it turned out to be a bit disappointing. We scored a perfect round on the Films section.

As I was going to the toilet the guy coming out pulled the door just as I was about to push, 'sorry,' he said, 'no bother,' said I. The notable thing about this encounter is that the guy in question was Colin McCredie, who punched Ewan McGregor in a toilet in Shallow Grave. Maybe he wouldn't have tried the same thing with me, but who was willing to risk it?

Does anyone know where Napoleon died? Fizz did, but sadly no one lsitened to him.

Wednesday 3 November 2004

Poor Cathy

Cathy is still experiencing flatmate woes.

I got up this morning and there was a full A4 size note ranting that I had left the window unlocked in the lounge and how unimpressed she was by my window behaviour and what a mar it was upon our flat security. It was quite nasty actually. But the thing that really got me about the rant was she had forgotten to lock the front double door to the flat last night! Security my arse.

I wrote a very pleasant note back saying the last time I opened that window was 2 months ago so it has either been sitting unlocked since then or someone else did it. I also pointed out that I would rather my last few weeks in the house be pleasant and the tone of her note was in no way encouraging.

Needless to say she sent me a grovelling text saying sorry it must of been the girl who stayed on the weekends fault (you know the one that left early because **** is a psycho).


She's moving out tonight.

?

Why the fuck is this considered news? Is every fucker just phoning it in now? Last week The Sunaday Mail thought that the biggest story in the world that day was that the latest lottery winner is a shiftless bevy merchant. Can anybody explain to me why people get into journalism nowadays? Surely it's not to report on what some daft bint watches on the telly or interview some jakey who's hit it lucky?

Bullet In The Head

So, the BNP have managed to get Jeremy Hardy banned from performing in Burnley for suggesting that the world would be better off if the BNP and its supporters were “shot in the back of the head”.

They claim “thousands” of their supporters would have been offended by his remarks.

Awwww, poor wittle Nazis. Did big bad, Jeremy Weremy make woo cwy?

I’m sure the oft cardiganed japester isn’t all that bothered as Burnely is a fucking toilet, but where do these malodorous clods get off complaining about being offended by Hardy’s comments?

We tolerate these wannabe ethnic cleansers and allow them freedom of speech because to curtail their rights would affect us all. No one gives a fuck about what offends you, you cunts. Your very existence is an affront to human decency. We put up with you, not the other way round.

Oh and by the way, half a dozen overweight dribblers who couldn’t get a ride at the fucking shows fisting each other off in a basement over a can of warm strongbow isn’t “thousands” of people.

Being shot in the back of the head is the very least the BNP and those who vote for them deserve.