Scotsport SP Fucking Hell...

Jesus Christ, where to start?

Few of you will be old enough to remember the "by kids for kids" home made TV show of yesteryear "Why Don't You...?".

The guys who made the inaugural "Scotsport SPL" appear to however, judging by the pocket money style production values we were expected to sit through last night.

This was "Prisoner of Cell Block H" as a football show, and I was held an unfortunate captive for over an hour, before being released feeling as if I'd encountered some kind of broadcasting Mr Big in the showers.

Forget that these "highlights" are being shown some 52 hours after the games are finished.

Forget that STV have failed to shell out for a package that even includes a featured game.
We all knew it wasn't going to be very good. But this was spoof territory. It was Scottish football Spinal Tap style.

Why for example, can't Archie McPherson sit with the other two pundits? Is he prone to breaking wind? Is Andy Walker fucking his wife? Has there been a falling out? Tell us. It's bound to be a hell of a lot more dramatic than the actual show.

Then there are the three presenters, a wee lassie there presumably because of the big tits, some knobend who's only in tele because he can speak Gaelic and Jim "auto-cue" Delahunt. Why? Why are there three of them? Is the idea that three incompetents together somehow makes up for a single person who knows what they are on about?

And what is it that's making them think that all Scottish football fans love pumping dance? If you're trying to manufacture a bit of excitement for your show, I would suggest maybe showing some football, rather than having a "fifty minutes of nothings blathering shite/ten minutes of football" format.

"So Graham, massive game for Rangers tomorrow..."

"Yes it is a massive game for Rangers..."

This an example of the rubbish spouting from one of the best sports journalists in the country.

Then there is the stuff that's really annoying - the inane "talking to the fans" bit - a straight lift from "The Premiership on Monday", who abandoned it because no-one was watching. The brain melting "goalie keepie uppie" contest and the topper, a five minute piece in which refs road tested whistles. Road tested fucking whistles. It was at that point I began to wonder if this was an Armando Ianuuci stitch up.

Of course they still found time to get at least one goalscorer's name wrong, ask Andy Walker the same question twice, have an interview with a player who no longer plays in Scotland and have Graham Speirs (badly) play us out with a bizarre Elton John medley(!).

And of course the bottom line is there was hardly any football. In fact the actual highlights were often treated as if they were getting in the way of all the big tits, the chat and the comedy whistle bits.

And we have to put up with this surreal pish all season.

As they used to sing in the "Why Don't You...?" theme song:

"Why don't you switch off the television set and go and do something less boring instead?"

I would be best advised to do just that, but I know I won't.

You just can't not look at a train wreck.